Internet Told Me Too...

New Blog Location...

2010-06-27T11:29:00.000-04:00

www.marisaurusrev.wordpress.com

Check it out. I will still post on this sometimes, but wordpress is where its at for the most part!

I'm not poor...

2010-04-27T10:38:00.000-04:00

Old post from August that I found looking for old pics of art...

I have graduated from Seminary and got blindsided by the real world. I am having a hard time this summer because I am kind of stuck in no woman's land. I am supposed to do CPE in the fall. Maybe... I want to get a job. I need to get a job. I really NEED to get a job.
I have applied everywhere. I have tried calling, personally showing up, mailing in my resume and a cover letter, emailing, using the online sites for finding jobs... How does one get a job? It was suggested that I quit putting that I have a masters degree on my resume so I will cease to be overqualified.

I just have to wait. Why organizations feel it is fair for them to leave weeks between initial contact and asking you to interview, then more weeks before they decide not to hire you is beyond me. Churches are just as bad. I need a job like yesterday. I have been in a job finding frenzy since I realized I would not be at UrbanSpirit this summer. It is incredible how stressful this is.

I was discussing the things I really cannot afford but are things I take for granted with one of my friends and she said to me, "Marie you have never had to live without money have you."
She is right. I never really have. I lived and worked last summer at a poverty immersion program, but I still had an apartment to go home to and a bank account (full of student loans) to support my needs when I ran out of options... Now, when it runs out its all gone and there is nothing I can do but go home with my tail between my legs... I don't want to do that. But why would that be so bad? What is the worst thing that could happen? I would be ashamed? I would live with my parents? I would turn thirty having accomplished nothing but a masters degree and an ever increasing pile of debt... Really I don't want to know, but at least I wouldn't be dead.

What I keep thinking about is that I can at least go home, what about the people who feel this everyday that have no other options. Who if they cannot make their car payment will have their car taken away or who if they get sick might not be able to pay for a cure (if there is one)... The anxiety that I feel about potentially not being able to pay bills is just eating away at me. Its hard to get things done when you are worrying all the time. Also because I am busy constantly trying to do every odd job that comes along because I have to be able to have money. It runs my life and I hate it. I loathe money, the need for it and the lack of it. I would rejoice if I won Publishers ClearingHouse or the lottery though. It would be nice not to worry, but then I would have a whole set of new worries.

Ani Defranco says in one of her songs 'Back when I had a little, I thought that I needed a lot. A little was over rated, but a lot was a little too complicated. You see-Zero didn't satisfy me, A million didn't make me happy. That's when I learned a lesson. That it's all about your perception' - I listen to this, to lots of music like this and I wonder what is my deal? Great, I have a little, I shouldn't have any worries, but having a little doesn't provide peace of mind. The poor aren't nice pets to be admired and put back into their cages when we are ready to retreat back to the middle class bubble. I am so angry with myself for not being capable of being satisfied with what I (can) have. I am also frustrated with the system that allows obscene stratification of wealth and that doesn't even care that people suffer because of it.

I guess I also feel invisible. My friends have jobs and significant others, I don't really see them because I have to work every insane odd job that I can take. Who cares that I am scared? There are so many people out there, living in houses, apartments, cars and street corners that are scared that have no one. I guess I should count my blessings, but tonight I wish I could count dollars... :(

walk these halls...

2010-03-16T16:53:00.002-04:00

Each day I enter the hospital, trudging through two parking lots and downtown insane traffic, cut through the back Emergency Department entrance and weave my way through the Emergency Department main desk area. Dodging moaning patients in transport beds on the way to X-rays I badge out and breathe for a second as I reach my key down and unlock the door to our closet of an office. Opening the door I hardly even notice the key whip back into place on my spring loaded name tag holder and I sit for a minute and listen to the walls. Literally, because our office shares a wall with the the psychiatric department, and I listen for more than just sound.
The chaplains have a ritual for handing over the on call beeper. First, because you have been alone with the weight of crises care for the whole hospital on your shoulders for 8 hours, the chaplain gushes about the day, what happened, who died, who survived, how families are doing, where they are and who needs a visit. The incoming chaplain takes this opportunity to listen, to hear between the lines to be sure their colleague isn’t drowning in this sloshbowl of information.
Its an overwhelming position, chaplain. More happens in a day than is possible for a human being to take in at one time… ever. It is intimidating, especially in a culture where our iron grip on the surface level distractions cannot be budged except by a power outage. Unfortunately, as chaplain, this is an impossible posture. Everyday we gather ourselves and turn from our own lives to face the raw energy and unbridled emotions compulsively rush forth from those impacted by a crisis, death or sickness. We are the bottom line, we are the roots, the way back to reality for these folks, and this listening we do at the beginning of a shift is what grounds us in our day. It is sort of like putting your uniform on I guess.
Then the incoming chaplain gives an update on themselves and how they are doing and we pray. I find that my prayers during this time have a phrase that they cannot shake. It just bangs around in my head until I eventually rattle it out… ‘walk these halls…’ God be with me as I walk these halls (I chuckle about this as I say the world ‘walk’ because its more like a trot, a cha-cha and a marathon all mixed up together). These halls, here in the hospital are sacred. The rooms are intimidating, they hold life, stories, machines and medicines. The halls hold people who are trying their damndest to keep their shit together long enough to figure out whats going on. For doctors and nurses it seems to be a natural habitat. For chaplains, I think we are more of interlopers in this community. We dont come with medicine or tasks to fulfill. Instead we bear with us comfort, presence and hope.
We dont walk these halls on our own, we pray every day for God to go with us into that crazy jungle out there. To attend to each camp and be a grounding wire for them in their shock, fear and anxiety that washes over folks, like waves in a storm.
It isn’t an easy job on the feet, walking shoes are required. It is an active job, stamina is required and so is fuel. This time we spend praying at the beginning of each shift is our fuel. Our supervisor like to say we need to ‘eat the word’ each day. In taking the opportunity to listen to our colleagues and to help them digest what they have been through, and to pray it out of these walls, I think we do get the fuel to keep on walking another day.
I thought I was getting tired of the same old phrase ‘walk these halls…’ I dont think I can stop using it, it will have to be a mantra. Its so literal – yes, for a living I do walk up and down hallways, I do inhabit the gray space between nurses counter/dr’s office and patients room. It is also a metaphor for Christian life isn’t it? We live in the world but we are not of the world. I can see it now clearly in this way. As a Chaplain I connect people with each other and sometimes with reality, as a christian I connect my experience in the world with my knowledge and experience of God. Walking these halls of life is just as much a challenge as chaplaincy isn’t it then.
Its a facinating little phrase. Maybe its a call to loosen my white-knuckled grip on the surface level and allow myself to descend into my life, to really be a full participant in my life. Perhaps I should see that God does offer me a grounding wire of hope through my too often neglected faith. In these halls, God assures me that my Creator understands the explosive, primitive and uncontrollable emotions that I brew myself in the basement of myself.
These halls are a strange territory in the current world. The economy is crashed, the world is warming, people are starving and fighting wars over oil, diamonds and that metal that makes cellphones vibrate… Those who can afford it escape into virtual palaces made of sites, sounds and silliness and those who cant march warily along side the rest of us. They beckon us into the halls, just for a second, to tell us something, but its too hard, to scary, facebook is better, youtube is safely hilarious.
Its hard to be in these halls, but we have to, we are called to poke around in these places that can feel unprotected and serious. We do have protection and grounding though, God watches over us, providing help as we walk these halls… Help in what manner no one can predict, only watch for.

Pastoral Care and Social Networking

2009-11-17T15:46:00.000-04:00

Can you do pastoral care via social networking?
your thoughts please!!

Church.

2008-12-26T00:17:00.004-04:00

For the last semester I have been working on the idea of 'making visible the invisible' in art and religion as I went through the semester. I built a church for my African American Christianity Class and collaged the inside of it to represent all the concepts we talked about from religion in slavery through the present times.
This is the unpainted version that I sent to my professor so he would not lose hope!
the gray dribblies are a kind of rusting paint that is now orangish...

front of the church; table, pulpit and chairs

View from the front of the downstairs

Left Balcony

Right Balcony

Whole thing...

CHRISTMAS BIRDS!!!

2008-12-26T00:10:00.003-04:00

Ok, I hate olives, however I made the coolest things ever today and I just had to share them. I got bored on Christmas while the fam was cooking and I was sitting in front of some toothpicks and the vegetable platter and these are the result! i made a penguin, a tucan and a pelican!!! :) SO FUN!!!

Making Visible the Invisible

2008-12-15T13:17:00.005-04:00

So this is my Senior Seminar Project "Making Visible the Invisible"
I am still adding things to it, but this is the direction I am going!

This picture turned out TERRIBLE online, in person its great.
Each screen has different marginalized peoples on it - India, Africa and Brazil are represented on the screens.

These are awesome pics I took laying down in front of the alter in my church. It has the table, the light of Christ, the pupit for the word and the cross representing Jesus. The pictures in the back are things we forget. Water for our baptismal vows, money that runs the world (or money we have an others dont), disasters that occur, things that have happened in the past, or that people are dying unjustly in other place in the world, blood spilled...

This has a painting of the trail of tears on it.

Spirit pic!

Japanese Americans lining up to be sent to internment camps.

industrial rusting cross

B&W

Slave Ship with full load :(

yea... beyonce

2008-12-05T17:16:00.003-04:00

so, i heard this song today on my way here to the heine bros to do work and it is apparently what i have been waiting to hear for a long time. I think if you change 'hero' to 'pastor' or 'friend' or 'parent' or anything really. i know posting lyrics is lame, but whatevs im doing it.

lets face it i also like it because i am obsessed with "heroes" the show and because "SHE saves the world" - like I and my super powers will. someday!

i am of course blogging again during exams... go figure. only while i am too busy to do anything else. :p

"Save The Hero"

I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everyone wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.

I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind it’s dead or die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
(?)

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself

Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.

New Art

2008-12-03T16:43:00.005-04:00

Photos from the newest project for my senior seminar project!
i couldnt have done it without my dad, carriebell, rachel morris and my baby sister!!!
woot!
they arent edited yet... so not complete. but they will be soon!

sooo... uhhh... yeaaa...

2008-10-22T23:25:00.001-04:00

so i need to blog aye?
i mean it needs to happen. i have no fans, buts fun, lets face it... and BETTER THAN FACEBOOK. WOO.
ok... i will write one in the next 3 days!

postsecret.

2008-04-06T11:39:00.002-04:00

so i love postsecret, its become a spiritual practice for me to start obsessively checking every 20 minutes on Saturday night to see if the new ones have been posted yet. but in discussing this phenomenon with other people i have become a little concerned about the popularity of the postsecrets. Why is it so popular i ask? As i read them each week I wonder why these things are secret and i wonder what these secrets say about the things we actually value. I would say the root of most of them is an inability or the desire not to make yourself vulnerable. Things you couldnt tell your partner, things that would expose you as different from the impossibly odd standards society has laid upon us, expressions of thoughts that might condemn you or even change you by simply saying them out loud. Do i read these each week because i identify with the plight of these people, trapped inside my own sense of decency, unable to put myself out there enough to even stand next to someone at the grocery store.
Do we all live lives of secrets? If our society works because we keep things from each other what does that say about us? We might all be living a lie. How have we been made to feel so bad about ourselves that we cant even share our thoughts without worrying about being attacked for them, or for just being effected by feelings. Has capitalization bullied us into thinking that we actually dont have enough, dont look good enough, dont have someone, arent thin enough, arent muscled enough, arent happy enough, arent smart enough, dont matter enough unless we have all this stuff...etc... I think we may have been more effected by all of these things than we think. I mean just look at what has become of christmas over the last 50 years.
how does all this impact our faith. I have to dress a certian way to be a christian, be branded if you will. How can i be saved enough, happy enough, have enough christian art, the right bumper stickers and all that...? Just trying to be all that is exhausting. God made humans not clones. why all the secrets? what made some things ok to talk about and other things not.
secrets destroy communities. The one i am in here at school is still suffering from the aftermath of secrets. Its not fun because everyone is so suspicious of each other, the class above me particularly suffered i think. its horrible. its like everyone things the other guy has a gun in his pocket. why are we fascinated with these secrets. what are these secrets doing to America and how can we start truth telling again? Theres more power in truth than there is in cohesion or secrets. ask Martian Luther King, Thomas Merton or the womens rights activists. people respond to truth, but we have gotten so cynical that we might not even believe it. we need Jeremiah, Micah, Amos, Isaiah, Elijah, Elisha to come and get us to listen or at least work at it. now it feels like all the sides are sitting in a different rooms of a corporate high rise congratulating each other on the great job we are doing ignoring the fact that the building is on fire.
dunno what to do about that, or how i got here from postsecrets, but it is what it is. how can i start this honesty movement. transparency of communication. illumination of the people.

do it

2008-03-16T13:01:00.000-04:00

http://www.dothetest.co.uk/

A cat poster

2008-02-29T19:27:00.005-04:00

This is AWESOME!!!

some things...

2008-02-21T20:32:00.008-04:00

I felt like I MUST share this comic with as many people as possible. I am not entirely sure its legal for me to post it, but i did - so whatever. this comic sometimes absolutely rules. Like many others, sometimes it doesnt. I am also going to put my favorite postsecret so far on here. it was perfect because it was on just as I started class on Sexuality and Pastoral care and was in a relationship that made me wish it was appropriate for me to print this out and hand it to those of the appropriate gender... Its just not that hard, and I have never understood why we are so afraid of our bodies, of each others bodies and why we cant be comfortable with sexuality. You would think that since American culture has sexualized absolutely everything that we would be a little more comfortable with it. Instead, we cant just have regular relationships because EVERYTHING is sexual. It stinks, makes life awkward and
boring because there is no mystery when you know whats coming every time. Its just weird how we do. We cant touch without wondering what was behind it, men cant sit directly next to each other, hugs can be considered overstepping your boundaries. In Brazil everyone gives a hug and two kisses every time they see you. It was great. If you need 10 touches a day to be human, then Americans are robots. I am getting off the soap box now, but one last thing. I just think its sad that you have to second guess why you would put your arm around someone to comfort them. ya know?
I mean, who ever made this one was a genius. It think its fantastic. I guess its gonna be picture sharing time. I have another one i really like. I stole it from the Rethinking Youth Ministry blog. Its just wonderful, I LOVE the image of the leaning rusty broken cross. I think it speaks to what has happened to Christianity when we domesticated it.
Its towering, still visible, but decaying and hollow and i question whether there is still life to it. When i look at this picture I wonder if it used to light up at night and if it still does - because that would give leave a glimmer of hope to me. I got one more, then i HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK - which lets face it is lame. well its not lame, i have to learn how to preach. HAVE TO. so i guess its good homework. here is a picture i took at the beach in Mississippi on the Highland Pres mission trip this summer. That was such a good trip for me. I love mission work, anywhere. This is what was left of the Pier after Katrina, 2 years later. I have no idea what that sheet on it is, but it sure looks like a ghost or something. so... i lied and there are a few more pictures that need on here. I took these on the snow day. I dont know what was up with my camera but it took these amazing pictures. The one to the right is the first one. IT IS CRAZY. thats a tree outside out library. the tree is dead. they have been having all these arguments on campus about what to do with it, because it might fall over or whatever. A tornado came through a few weeks ago and other HUGE LIVE trees fell on campus, and that one was completely fine. The next picture is also a little out there. I didn't edit these at all or anything. they just came out of camera land like this. What is going on here? Your guess is as good as mine. homework time!!

dinosaurs r us

2008-02-20T18:58:00.004-04:00

umm. this is the most hysterical thing i have seen all day. well, in a long time anyways. JESUS WITH A T-REX!!!!
HOLY CRAP! made my day! I wonder if "all are welcome at the table" includes dinosaurs? maybe just the plant eaters? I mean, I wouldn't want to get eaten by a valosa raptor or a pterodactyl while gathered around the lords table. but who knows, Jesus could and should love dinosaurs. and honestly, i hope its a real advertisement, because that would make it more funny. we do have to have to let politicians to the table, and politics, but we don't have to let personal beliefs impact working for the people. aye? i dont know about that, because its my beliefs that make me want to work for the people. hmmm. i dont want the church to guide the state, in any way. doesnt work. I would prefer that those who are governing would keep in mind they dont work for themselves, they work for the people. ok im done. homework now!

holy crap! now check this out:
http://www.christiancentury.org/

its dinosaur week!! how fantastic!!!

i suck at this...

2008-02-18T23:59:00.002-04:00

well, i suck at this. being sick, i haven't really left the house all that much and i still manage to over my spending limits. not on food, but on stuff. i had to buy books, glasses, medication and some other stuff that i apparently couldn't resist. ugh. I so badly need to be in a world of simple living, where having more stuff doesn't make life easier. I don't think i ever realized how much all of this effects all the parts of our lives. i want to be somewhere i just get up and put on clothes in the morning and go about my business. i don't want to worry what i look like, what other people are thinking about what i am wearing and how i look in it. i want to have to have a thousand pairs of shoes, ten hundred shirts and like eleventy billion other kinds of things so i can be trendy. i dont.
BUT then i go into the mall and all of a sudden im a fashion expert and im wanting to purchase everything i see. sure i like to look nice, i dont mind wearing clothes that make my body look nice, but i dont want it to run my life. i so frustrated with myself. ugh. things keep happening.

yep...

2008-02-13T12:01:00.002-04:00

I am always astounded by the uncreativity involved in the titles of my blogs... Seeing as how they are few and far between, you would think I could come up with something a little better. I am still stuck on all this financial stuff. Obviously I am still appalled with my own spending practices. I have been chronicling every expenditure that I have made since January started, because the simple living dude made me understand that I am living the ridiculous, hypocritical life of a typical American Christian. I can talk until i am blue in the face about poverty, hunger, food deserts in the city, classism, oppression of the poor and the next moment spend 5 dollars on coffee and 50 dollars on nothing at target. The thing is that having more stuff isnt helping anyone. The desire for more things really is just perpetuating a system that depletes the world or resources so a bunch of things can pile up in my house then they can go sit in a dump somewhere polluting the world we attempt to live in. We are like locusts. I am completely disgusted that the government is now trying to jump-start the economy by giving everyone money and encouraging us to spend it on things we probably don't need. Well, I'm going to damn the man and pay off my credit card with it. woo! Why don't they find another way to make things work? Why are we cloning animals to eat? Why not instead encourage better eating habits so we don't need the excess? I guess I, because I am American, deserve everything i want at the moment, and in large quantities.
I am also astounded at how everything costs money. I forget because I guess I have been programed to get my credit card out and swipe it. Maybe I am even addicted to the habit! the doctor costs money, insurance costs, the phone costs, the internet, coffee to sit in the cafe and have internet costs money, groceries cost money, hanging out with friends inevitably leads to spending money, eating out is ridiculous these days, getting sick costs, staying healthy costs, school costs money, books, pens, pencils, paper, pictures, drawing, art, gas, car repairs... what is free? I went over my 50 dollars a week with a doctor's visit. Is that ok? Kt says its find because I have to get better for school, but if I really only had the 50 bucks, I would not have had the money for the doctor and would have been screwed. So now I just feel guilty. Luckily we have had snow days so I haven't even been tempted except for buying books, because I had to. Honestly, I haven't even been tempted to leave my apartment feeling this way, so whatever its all good. I start over tomorrow so, maybe it will go better.
I just get so frustrated with so many things in the world I live in. I hope i survive my simple living experiment. Well, more than survive, I hope I am changed by it. More later.

Just American I Guess

2008-02-09T17:15:00.000-04:00

I have gotten like 4 Lenten devotionals in the mail so far and I find this a bit frustrating. Am I really going to read these? No, I dont even have time to do all my reading for school. Why did someone send me this? Were they that concerned that I would need help reflecting during this period? Lets face it, probably. I do need help focusing all the time, particularly during lent. It seems that when I have to think about giving up something, or doing something extra, then I just want to do it less.
This year for lent i am going to start doing more of these reflections (time permitting, I'm taking an ass-ton of hours this semester) on my Lenten practice. Last year i started riding my bike everywhere, which is fabulous. I start that again tomorrow. Cold or not, I need to keep that up. Just giving it up makes me feel crappy because I like riding the bike and I typically feel guilty for driving around town. This year, in an attempt to further my understanding and actually practice simple living, I am going to try and only spend 50 dollars a week on stuff and 50 dollars a week on food. Having this allergy to wheat makes 50 dollars a week for food a hazard because I cant compromise on the cheap stuff if it has a wheat protein in it anywhere.
So far it hasnt been bad because I just havent been anywhere or in a crunch. Grocery shopping is going to be a challenge because I am going to have to plan my meals out pretty well before I go, so that I wont be tempted to buy things i don't need. I feel a little weird needing to experience simple living though, because I am doing it by choice. Other people that I would like to be in solidarity with are not choosing, they are just existing. I guess I feel a little fake, but at least now I might have a more clear understanding of what it is like for some people everyday, not just 40 days of a year.
So I have always been obnoxious in stores, ask my mom. I have no idea how it got programed into me, well i guess i have some idea. But when I would, and now do, walk around places like walmart (sorry) and target I pretty much want everything I see. I don't know why, but I also like to point this out to the people i am with (normally my mother). I may not actually have any intention of purchasing an item, but I still want it. Today it bothered me in the store that i felt that way. I went there to get pens, so i could write things down in my apt, because i had no pens for some reason, and i ended up in the craft section, the video section, the curtains section, the underpants section and the clothes section. What is my deal?! Its like a rush, looking around at all those things, it was like an adrenalin rush, because I am always get so tired about an hour into shopping... must be the adrenalin wearing off. I could have justified buying any of that stuff if I didnt have this spending limit. it makes me mad that i think this way and i think part of it is because its the American way. individualism and materialism. It is so frustrating that I have been impacted so deeply by these two "ism's." I wonder how i will pull myself out of it? I think my lent thing will for sure help me break the cycle of senseless impulse purchases.
I think part of it also comes from the fact that I always have the cushion of support that is my parents, should i mess up too badly on any front. That is wonderful, but I guess knowing that i'm tight rope walking with a net causes me not to be as careful as i would be otherwise.
It must (well i know it is, ive been there a little i guess) be SO frustrating to walk around in stores and know that you cannot buy any of these things even if you wanted to. I mean giving gifts is impossible, tithing is impossible, even eating is sometime difficult. You cant eat organic, you cant have natural food products, you cant even avoid transfat, but when do you have time to do the research to find out what you should and shouldnt be eating if you are working all the time to pay rent, bills, for gas and then have 50 dollars left over to spend. ugh.
Ill keep thinking, we will see. Simple living seems to be the way to go, especially if after just a few days i am completely disgusted with whatever fever i seem to catch when i get into these huge box stores. I certainly dont want to be elitest about what ive decided to do, or to be all in peoples faces about it, but I feel almost called to this experience. i dont know how this will work out, but we will see.

incident at bellarmine

2007-11-18T12:00:00.000-04:00

So its lame to post something i did for school, but whatever... deal with it!

Background: This is my second year as an intern at Bellarmine University. Last year I worked in the Student Affairs office with a different supervisor and this year I am with in the Campus Ministry Office. My duties generally include answering the phone at the desk in the office, hanging out with students, attending events, helping play and execute the protestant service on Wednesdays. I am in the office pretty regularly Tuesday – Thursday and for some retreats.

Description: I am going to give the website for the Courier Journal article on what happened in addition to my own description (http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2007711071070). At Bellarmine University in Anniversary Hall (a residence hall for sophomores and up) on the second floor a young woman gave birth to a baby in her suite bathroom and let the baby girl “slide into the toilet.” She then asked her room mate for a trash bag, put the baby into it and took the bag about 40 feet down the hall to the trash room. Her room mate followed her down the hall, found the newborn in the garbage and called the police. First responders, ambulances and police cars then arrived at the dorms at approximately 1:00 am and stayed until around 6 am in the morning. The student was taken immediately to the hospital and the baby was pronounced dead at 1:05 and taken to the coroner. I did not find out until Wednesday morning at about 9 am when I checked my email. I packed up and went immediately to the BU campus ministry office. I was in the office and at school all day. I worked about 30 hours wed to Friday. My coworkers and I worked all day putting together a liturgy for a worship service that night. After the service there was a school wide meeting that about 20 students attended with the Student Affairs Dept, the Campus Ministry staff and the Counseling Staff. The school has sent out a few campus emails about the event since it happened, but not much information has been provided to the students. There has been a lot of anger on campus since the event that surfaces in different ways in each person. What happened impacted everyone in the Bellarmine community, staff included. My own inability to name what happened is a solid example of its impact on me.

Analysis and Evaluation: The main thing to report here is that since I first read about what happened I have been completely resistant to blame the student for her actions. I have been defending her throughout because I can empathize with her situation. I am sure she was scared, confused and in denial at first. I cannot imagine what loathing something inside of you would do to a person after a time. Just look at super villains. I could not believe, and still can’t, believe how her reputation was dragged through the sewers both verbally and on facebook. It was odd to think that facebook was something we needed to worry about, but the first action we needed to get done was to delete her facebook.

There are 1,500,000 sperm and one egg, so someone else contributed to the situation. She didn’t give herself a reputation; no one said anything about the young men (there were 2 by the way) who had sex with the student. No one said anything about the people who were slandering her either. I found myself extremely defensive to males especially because they seemed insensitive to her situation. I absolutely could not believe the way the press covered the situation either. They were like vultures, lurking on the edges – waiting for a student to say more than they were supposed to. It really puts you out of sorts, kind of hyper-defensive I guess. Luckily, the press were not allowed on the private campus, but they swarmed around on the boarders of campus. The paper called the student a young mother and a murderer and I don’t think those are fair labels yet. She did kill her child, but shouldn’t she be innocent until proven guilty in the press. Most recently the courier journal reported her as a mother who murdered her child, and that is not unbiased reporting. I don’t think that having a baby makes you into a mother automatically, you have given birth to a baby, but you don’t automatically get the skill and aren’t ready for the mold you are expected to conform to as a “mother” in our society. I mean she was 19, she was a scared child herself, obviously.

Also, on the courier journal site there is a place for readers to respond to articles and the things people were writing just wounded my soul. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I feel like maybe Christians should have more compassionate opinions. I believe Jesus would have given this student a hug and had a conversation with her. We are not allowed to contact her either right now and as a part of the campus ministry office I think we should be. I agree that she needs to be held accountable for her actions; I also don’t think she deserves a chance to explain them, and to be forgiven. Redemption is a part of Christianity as well isn’t it? She also needs a chance to get some help and to figure out who she is in this instead of dodging stones for the rest of her life.

My supervisor agreed with me that a male perspective of a situation dealing with issues related to women, pregnancy and childbirth to be more black and white than the perspective of someone who could potentially host another being inside of them for about 9 months or so. That was a relief because I was starting to think I was the only one confused by their reactions. I cannot imagine being in her situation and having nowhere to turn. I would be terrified, but I am lucky to have a solid network of friends and family whom I know would help me through. I also have the great privilege of knowing my options, knowing where to go to get help. But not everyone knows that most clinics actual purpose is to inform people about their reproductive rights works on a sliding scale and is anonymous.

I finally came to the realization the affidavit came out that she might have planned this, though I wonder at what point she began to wonder what would happen when she went into labor. It also made me think differently about the movie Saved. What was that girl going to do if her friends hadn’t discovered her pregnancy?

The reactions at Bellarmine have been many and various since it happened. The captain of the golf team has been suicidal, a lot of this students friends have been suffering with guilt and from not knowing what’s happening because the school has not been exactly open. I believe the two suitemates came back and moved into a different room, I don’t know if the room mate came back. I can’t imagine being the parents having to move the students stuff out of the dorm, because she is suspended from Bellarmine because she is charged with a federal crime. The first part of the grief cycle is anger, confusion and denial and that has been apparent in the staff and students throughout the last few weeks. I have noticed it in me too. There were a few arguments and unfair actions by the Student Affairs office towards the Campus Minister that was just ridiculous and probably partially the result of residual anger. We did prayer services and offered counseling but those are ethereal/abstract and I feel strongly that we need to do something lasting and concrete as a reaction to and a way of healing from what happened. It would be something for the whole community, something that would last. People need to know that this isn’t going away and that we aren’t sweeping it under the carpet. I think a prayer wall, or a wall of lament would be a sweet gift, maybe when I get some time I will work on that.

Theological Reflection: This whole situation made me think a lot about how Jesus acted. I work for a Christian institution and I attend a Christian institution and I don’t understand why we haven’t done a better job reaching out to each other for help and for aid. We are connected through the Spirit and belief in Jesus Christ. Courier journal readers have condemned Katie already, as would a society that is obsessed with CSI, Law and Order and News programs that only report the bad news. If Jesus were here I believe he would stand up for Katie and remind everyone to examine the log in their own eye and rethink if they have the right to cast the first stone. I also think Jesus would be appalled at our inaction. Some things you just can’t plan for, but you can learn from and this is one of those things.

Reflection on a funeral

2007-11-18T11:59:00.000-04:00

I work at Bellarmine University, through this internship i have been able to participate in some pretty amazing things. One these things are the St. Joseph of Arimathea Society. SJOAS is a program that was started by a group of high schoolers and their teacher because they realized that those who could not afford too, or that had no family were not getting funerals or even being buried with dignity. They started doing prayer services for each funeral and eventually ended up working with other local catholic high schools and eventually the colleges in the area to alternate doing funerals (because there are a LOT of them.

Last Tuesday, September 11th was a particularly interesting funeral experience for me. It was interesting because it was moving, a nerving and enraging at the same time. I never really know how to act at these things because I am the Presbyterian intern with a catholic group and because i just haven't been to a lot of funerals (thank god). First of all it was September 11, and even in a liberal like me that stirs up all sorts of feelings and the General Patrais shit had just hit the fan. It was seriously a gross² day outside - which means it was cool and windy enough to need a sweater, misting a little and ominously overcast. On the trip from the bell to the cemetery we chatted and prepared to do a prayer service. As we pulled into the long skinny drive of the cemetery the yellow bulldozer resting temporarily like a tired dinosaur up to its ass in the brown mud that someone would be laid to rest in later that day. The sky seemed to get grayer as the reality of our task sunk in, surrounded by sinister gray mounds of coal punctuated with menacing clusters of smoke stacks vomiting gray smoke into the sky and power lines slicing the horizon.

Normally when we arrive the only live people present are the deputy corner and his assistant, occasionally there is a pastor, family member, ministry or case worker, but generally not. On this bleary Tuesday there were nearly 20 people there. They were ministry workers, hospice workers, emergency workers and pastors who had been a part of Ralph’s later life. It was clear just from the gathering that this man had touched a lot of peoples lives. Those who had gathered to honor Ralph had prepared a service, so all we from Bellarmine were asked to serve as pallbearers. I have never seen a dead person at all much less carried one from a hearse to the little porch where he would be honored and then to the graveside for some more prayers and farewell. I was moved that we would be allowed to participate in this way. I always thought that choosing the people who would carry your casket would be sort of like picking your wedding party or your top 8 on spacebook… I have no idea why I rationalized like this, I would imagine that I merely had no perspective at all before this point. I guess more things in life than you can imagine are completely unpredictable. I carried the body of a man inside a casket (not by myself, I had help). It felt so weird, so final and so real all at once. Honestly, that might be the only real part of life left, you will die.

The memorial service for Ralph was deeply touching for those who knew him I could tell. The group, which was mostly women, had put together a wonderful service. The pastor read some prayers and spoke briefly about passing. We all sang a version of amazing grace I had never heard before, but sounded very nice on the CD player. One of the women from hospice had written a poem brought tears to the eyes of everyone present (even me…) with the final line "i will get you a ham sandwich because I know you are allergic to turkey..." He was beloved to some people. They said he had good days and bad days, but to me it seems the good outnumbered or were more potent than the bad for once. I swear God smiles at moments like that. I could feel the spirit moving among these women, I could almost see how the spirit had strung them all together over the last few years of Ralphs life.

Then they opened up the floor to anyone else who would like to share. There was a short pause and the man standing beside me signed and stepped forward. I hadn’t really noticed much about him besides that he was totally disinterested in sharing the song sheet I was holding. He was holding a purple flower (I am not good with flowers) and a sheet of paper. He took three brisk steps to the coffin and haplessly tossed the flower and paper he had been holding on the coffin (like it was a coffee table or something) and put his hands into his pockets and looked at us. He said that he was from lost sheep ministries. He had been friends with Ralph for the last 5 years. He told us how Ralph had cancer and how Ralph would never let him find him somewhere to stay or get help. He said that Ralph probably knew God because Ralph had asked this fellow to pray for him 5 days before he died. While this man could have gone on to tell stories about Ralph what he wanted to say was that he wasn’t sure he would see Ralph in heaven. It seems that Ralph did not live his life in the manner in which Jesus would have preferred and that meant he probably didn’t make it through the pearly gates. However, he says as he takes his hands out of his pockets and motions to the coffin, we should all take this opportunity to examine our own lives and make sure that we are living for Jesus.

So at this point he was pretty much done because I had totally quit listening. I MUST quit reacting this way to people, but I feel strongly that this man was totally out of line. So I was imagining myself turning into a WWF wrestler (probably Hulk Hogan) and breaking chairs on this mans head. He deserved it. I didn’t have to make any crazy wrestling moves though because the woman who had written the poem stepped forward and said that she did not believe that because Ralph was an angel to her. The Coroner then directed us all to the bulldozed area and the giant gaping hole in the ground. They drove the coffin the 40 yards away from the little carport and we took Ralph out of the car one last time and laid him next to the big yellow dinosaur that would plant him in the earth moments later. They are not legally allowed to bury the bodies while we are there, so we said some brief prayers and then went on our way. I just cant believe that is all there is. It is so anticlimactic.

Heyyy

2007-11-18T11:56:00.000-04:00

i am the worst blogger in the history of bloggers. wow. because i have taught a spirituality class to middle schoolers, visited Brazil for three week, and been back at school for all this time and not reported anything. i have two reflections i can post, but i gotta study for a greek test today. greek is fun though, its so similar to latin its ridiculous. at any rate. i suck! weeeeeeeeeee!
also some people need to see these!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQJD1ura7G4

at the beach

2007-06-13T18:48:00.001-04:00

so i have been here for less than 24 hours and im already worn out. i LOVE the beach. i want to live at the beach someday. its just warm people are happy when they are at the beach, i hate to wear clothes and it is just so beautiful here. there is so much fun stuff to do at the beach. im SO sad i didnt get to bring my bicycle here. i got it fixed specifically because i wanted to ride it here. oh well, there are crappy bikes that i have to buy a new tire for so i can ride them here. the road bike that needs fixed isnt actually that bad. it will be nice. i want to ride over the bridges and back, its an adventure i need to go on. WOO WOO!!!
So when i was running (I love having time to run and do whatever i want, its great, having a job is not going to be fun -which is why i need to be a writer or a painter or an artist or something...) i was thinking about the differences in when i run really really far and when i just stop running for no reason sometimes. when im running along staring at the road or sidewalk or whatever right in front of me, just keeping like 5 feet ahead of where i am then i run really really far. i just keep going and going. i dont like to vary my pace or to even to make adjustments for things crossing my path like potholes, other runners or bicyclers or even cars, i just get angry, grumble to my sweaty self and keep on running. when i realize this is what i am doing and that i am probably missing out on a lot, esp running at the beach. there are a TON or people here to look at, theres beautiful marshlands and ocean to see and there i am just plodding along staring at the ground, blind to everything around me. its kind of necessary when i run cause when i look up and see how far away i am from where i am going (with no one chasing me), or just everything around me i get distracted or start thinking more than just "right, left, right, left" i guess i get sensory overload and just stop running. i slow down to a walk without even thinking. i might not even realize i have slowed down. its crazy. its like my friggin life. when im just going along with what i am doing (school or whatever) and not paying attention to everything that is happening on the periphery (men, drinking, friends...). but when i look around and get distracted by all these things i tend to get totally off track. i have GOT to find some middle ground, like a treadmill. that works for me cause it just keeps going and i can look around provided i dont fall off... i dunno. holla!

So Its summer and im bored...

2007-06-12T00:36:00.000-04:00

wow. im back, again. get excited. WOO WOO. I have a feeling that no one actually reads this blog, but i figured that i would record some of my thought from this horribly unproductive summer. Thus far i have completed my exams (late of course), moved out of the two bedroom and into a studio apt on campus, drank for like 3 weeks straight, worked for like 14 hours at the library and drank every night for about 3 weeks. its been real i guess. i also managed to have a bit of a fling which is probably cause for whole-nother post. it will be an interesting one for sure. im not even entirely sure that i am capable of relating the absolute ridiculousness of the last three weeks. in the next few weeks ill be at the beach with my sister and mom, then joined by my brother and friends. then i will be here, hopefully working somewhere, for a bit, then volunteering at Montreat, then leading a workshop at massenetta and then off to Brazil for three weeks. seriously, in the next several weeks who knows what i will end up in. all i know is that i will be leaving for Brazil July 17th. im stoked.
the inbetween time has been crazy though. it started the weekend of exams and just kept on going. karaoke, foosball, pool and burritos as big as your head. also a little punk rock, mohawks and pirates. i mean, im not sure how exactly it could have been a more exciting three weeks. also i got a new bike, its PINK!!! i thought it was fixed cause i took it in for a tune up but apparently one of the sprokets is broken or something. blegh. now i cant take it to GA and im pissed about that. super pissed. ill take mom's bike instead. i was really looking foward to riding around on the island, i guess you cant always get what you want. also im going with my anorexic sister so thats going to be interesting. i like to eat, i've recently been told (and love to hear) that i have the perfect body, so i could give a shit and i dont need disordered thinking anymore. none. i realize this is insensitive but you gotta preserve yourself ya know? its all good. im chillin here at 2 in the morning, watchin law and order and some scary move on TV. i miss my friends and sadly, my fling. it was nice to have somebody to make out with (and etc...) whose fingers werent broken (actually called me back) and who seemed to enjoy spending time with me. watcha gonna do? cant win em all i guess.
and i just killed the largest roach EVER. with a mop. because i am AWESOME. i HATE bugs.
im gonna hang with matil now! peace!

so im back...

2007-03-01T00:52:00.000-04:00

I CANNOT believe its been nearly a year since i typed in this little white box. CANT believe it. i nearly let my blog die. i have SO many thoughts but none of them seem to have been able to matriculate into the internet... sad i know. grad school and summer camp jobs are busy. junk and stuff piles up to do. i cant help it. but i shouldnt have waited nearly a whole year... seriously, in the time i have been absecent from the fabulous life of little white box typing i could very well have had major surgery, traveled to africa, invented a cure for the common cold or had a baby. none of those things have happened... im in seminary here in louisville. so i should have more insight than ever one would think, and i do... another day i will have to share all that with the internet via this little white box, but until then. im not dead. just in school. peace out!

you HAVE to check this out

2006-04-26T12:06:00.000-04:00

See a Secret... Share a Secret...

Dream journal

2006-04-14T10:31:00.000-04:00

I think I should maybe start a dream journal. Just so I can go back through it in a few month's and be like, whoa, I must have been on something. Only I would read it though, because the most boring thing to other people is to hear about dreams that aren't their own. Yah know?
I mean, I cant remember my dreams exactly, and besides they are mostly feelings. It just seems silly to write down things like warm, cold, cool, basic, stings or whatever...
I haven't had BAD dreams in a while, which is probably a good sign. I think that having dreams a lot means that you are unsettled or a lot of changed is happening because its (I think) your brain decompacting your day.
I wish my brain wouldn't do it in such a freakin weird way. I think that my dreams might have soundtracks too, because I always wake up with a song in my head. Sometimes it goes away, and sometimes it stays there for weeks at a time.
maybe everyone should have a dream journal, or maybe no one. Why do I need to remember 2 months from now that I woke up thinking I had to go on a 30 hour trip into space, because this lady wouldn't get better if I didn't take her there. Or that I got pushed (or I fell, I dunno which) off a really tall dock into some really green water where there was an alligator swimming around, and then I had to race a lady and her husband to the dock that's in the middle of the lake, and I was terrified this whole time, cause I don't deal well with water that's not clear and alligators that might be hungry or ornery... ick. also in that dream there was some like, HUGE water thing... i dunno, my sister and i were talking about how cool it would be to have an "END OF THE WORLD" movie night and watch Waterworld, Mad Max (cause its all desert), The day after tomorrow, the matrices... and there was another one that i cant think of right now. we had all the types of parcipitation covered. dangit!
but im sure that had some sort of influence on the that deal in my dream, there were all these platforms and caves and stuff... but it looked like a Younglife camp or something.
i do sometimes have dreams that happen (im not alone in this, lots of people have these). usually if i stop having those, im doing stuff im not supposed to be doing. its really sad. it is real weird to be doin something, minding your own business, and the BAM! deja vu! grrrr.
ok, so i did some research, not real research though. i looked on wikipedia, and it said that lots of people have tried to figure out what the deal is with this, and some of it is linked to memory problems... whatever, and heres a in interesting bit
"A clinical correlation has been found between the experience of déjà vu and disorders such as schizophrenia and anxiety, and the likelihood of the experience increases considerably with subjects having these conditions. However, the strongest pathological association of déjà vu is with temporal lobe epilepsy. This correlation has led some researchers to speculate that the experience of déjà vu is possibly a neurological anomaly related to improper electrical discharge in the brain."
awesome. Why does science have to spoil everything?
stupid logic and reasoning.
marie out.

confusion

2006-04-05T15:42:00.000-04:00

i want that trinity symbol tattooed on my arm...

additionally, i would like this cross on my calf
these are paintings by some dude... Paul Myhill. should i ask him if i can get his paintings tattooed on my body? i dunno. hopefully that doesnt count as plagiarism? i dunno...

Main Entry: con·fu·sion
Pronunciation: k&n-'fyü-zh&n
Function: noun
: disturbance of consciousness characterized by inability to engage in orderly thought or by lack of power to distinguish, choose, or act decisively —con·fu·sion·al /-zhn&l, -zh&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;n-&l/ adjective

Confusion is always the most honest response.
Marty Indik

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.
Larry Leissner

for real, im feelin pretty transparent today...

so its pretty fun how on dictionary.com you can pick the definition that you want... make words mean what you want them too. its super. i am confused though, and tired. i think most of the confusion is a direct result of the tired. whatever, i got some coffee, which burned my mouth a lot. i think all the good luck i was previously experiencing is fading out. maybe i gave it to some one who needs it more than me. maybe i just started sucking really bad all of a sudden. who knows?

since no one reads this, i feel like its going ot be ok to type out my thoughts and confusion on here a little. whatever, i can delete the post if it becomes a problem. i am a creature of habit, i think that everyone who knows me understands that. i settle into my routine when i get my schedule each month and get completely and utterly thrown off when my stinkin pattern of existance gets altered in some way. im not like OCD or anything, just not as spontaneous as i may have previously imagined.
*i deeply wish that people wouldnt talk while i am in a coffee shop trying to think... god im a jackass... i do that all the Fing time*
im really not feeling pitiful in any way right now, not down or anything silly like that, which is weird because i generally get a pretty good case of the springtime blues. all this stuff is up in the air and its driving me NUTS. i like to have a few balls in the air, you know, keep my options open or whatever, but theres too much. at least i got into school, so theres that. i am going to louisville, its just a question of when as far as that goes, i guess. woo hoo. i have to find a job up there, im not real sure if i shouldnt just move up there and look for one once i get there. but i am REALLY scared to do that by myself. im torn between staying here for the summer and going there now to work. I dont know what kind of financial aid im going to get, so i dont know what i need to raise. i have to do all these stupid essays for these grant applications and describe myself as a person... etc etc... so maybe im being thrown back down that existential black hole again. well at least part of me is. i know what i want to do, just not how to do it. i really do feel called to this vocation. so whatever, at least thats settled.
i hate my job at the YWCA. its just so over i think. ive got like senioritis or something. i LOVE the people i work with, its just such a dead end situation. i feel like i went through such a rough patch with them, and helped them out and nothing will come of it. nothing but more stupid stupid work. i am pretty tired i think i need a nap.
plus on top of all these ridiculous feelings swirling around in there, ive got more.

i just like to make my own life harder. grrr. so you really cant even discuss whats up because
who needs all this crap... lets sing that big country song

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered"

or Citizen Cope
"Sideways"

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

i need to get them outside my head, so i can feel what im gut is telling me to do without my stupid brain getting involved. ive been trying to put all this in the god box, and let it marinate there, just trust that everything will work out, but im really sucking at doing that right now.
i know i could just go by myself to louisville and work it all out, but it wouldnt be as fun or interesting or happy with out at least one person to share it with.
ugh. i feel better a little right now.
am i crazy? i feel pretty normal. ive always been a little neurotic. we all know thats the truth.

more citizen cope (im like addicted)

"My Way Home"

Sometimes I miss a step
I stumble here and there
I'm findin' my way home
If I'm lost then I'll admit
Sometimes i plain forget
I'm findin' my way home
You can try and stand in my way
You can say what you're gonna say
But I'm finding my way home

questions for reflection...

2006-04-04T14:01:00.000-04:00

here is a really awesome quote:
These days an income is something you can't live without--or within.
- Tom Wilson

for some reason, i find it easier to reflect within the padded walls of this little blogger box, as opposed to the hard, cold and complicated boarders of a word document. I think it might be because i know that no one reads this (except maybe chris), therefore there are no expectations. With the other i guess i always think that i will have to turn it in, or something... i dunno.
i have to answer these questions in order to become an inquirer with the church, so that i can be approved by my congregation, and the the presbytery and then the national church so that i may be allowed to become a minister. its really a ridiculous process... i forsee lots of ridiculous red tape, essays and hard questions in my future. rar. some days i wish i was a dragon so i could burn it all up and start over.
ok. so, the questions thats got me spinning right now, keep in mind these people are expecting "insightful reflection" not "scarcastic satire" or any kind of whit... they are middle aged, protestant white people, so any kind of modern humor will be lost on them anyways... i dont get this phenomon at all, but whatever. older people dont even TRY to get younger people.
so i have got to "describe myself as a person" HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT?
what do they mean by that? more appropriately -> what do they want to hear?
WTF!!!
i hate these things, people really should consult me before they make really stupid application questions. i mean at least ask an interesting question, to which the answer would have reflect the appropriate themes and general information. *GOSH*
i certianly couldnt tell them what im really like, or i would get revoked for sure. like totally. dude.

dictionary.com says:
per·son (pûrsn)
n.
1. A living human.
2. The composite of characteristics that make up an individual personality; the
self.
3. The living body of a human.
4. Physique and general appearance.

it says some other stuff, but it wasnt applicable at this time.

the US attorneys website says this about a person:
1048 Definition -- "Person"

The term "person" is defined in 18 U.S.C. § 2510(6) to mean any individual person as well as natural and legal entities. It specifically includes United States and state agents. According to the legislative history, "(o)nly the governmental units themselves are excluded." S.Rep. No. 1097, 90th Cong., 2d Sess. 90 (1968).

the legal encyclopedia says:

Person

In general usage, a human being; by statute, however, the term can include firms, labor organizations, partnerships, associations, corporations, legal representatives, trustees, trustees in bankruptcy, or receivers.

A corporation is a "person" for purposes of the constitutional guarantees of equal protection of laws and due process of law.

Foreign governments otherwise eligible to sue in United States courts are "persons" entitled to institute a suit for treble damages for alleged antitrust violations under the Clayton Act (15 U.S.C.A. § 12 et seq.).

Illegitimate children are "persons" within the meaning of the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

The phrase interested person refers to heirs, devisees, children, spouses, creditors, beneficiaries, and any others having a property right in, or a claim against, a trust estate or the estate of a decedent, ward, or protected person. It also refers to personal representatives and to fiduciaries.

it pisses me off because its just so vague... i could write like infinity pages about myself as a person, because lets face it, out of everything i know "me" is the thing i know the most about, and i would never be finished because the information is being constantly updated... its really a pretty stupid situation in which i currently find myself.

WIKIPEDIA has a long ass entry about what constitutes a person... im absolutely not cutting and pasting it though.

the philosophical dictionary says:
person

An individual capable of moral agency. Although the details of their theories of human nature differ widely, Descartes, Locke, Kant, and Strawson all accepted a functional description of the person that includes both mental and physical features: the attribution of responsibility to a moral agent requires both the ability to choose and an ability to act on that choice.

i couldnt find a religious definition, which is just silly.

grrrrr...

i mean as a person, do they mean, describe yourself as a human? describe your personality? are you sane? describe your sense of your own humanity? describe your limits or your talents? describe your emotional aptitude? describe your attitude? do you understand your mortality?

describe me as a person? am i even a person? according to the sources ive found today, i might qualify. which is good i guess. cant be an inquirer if im not a person.

im just going to take a bunch of internet quizes and maybe they will tell me what i am like as a person. there. i solved it.

so its been a while...

2006-03-30T21:01:00.000-04:00

whatever. i got a job that decided it wanted to take up all of my time for a while, and i had to write like a billion and one grant applications so that i can afford grad school/seminary. some how or another ive ended up in washington DC this weekend hangin out at the planned parenthood annuel conference. the secular world is a weird place to be. i very much prefer the the world of religion where everything is a little more familiar, i at least recognize people and you dont have to protect your conference info with your life. it is interesting though, being a seminary representative (for a school that doesnt know you are there) to something that isnt really church related. i mean, the issues are church/religious business, they are everyones business. i just dont know. i dont want this issue to become my main focus. but its very important. i realize that when you say "abortion" it completely turns people off. its ridiculous. if you say miscarriage, its the same thing. but nobody cares about the people beyond the loss or gain of a kid... honestly, im not going to bring a child into this world just to put them in the american foster system. i just couldnt do that to a person. if it is a soul, a real human being given to us by god, then it deserves the best possible care and guidance in life, THROUGH THE ENTIRETY OF LIFE, not just to be alive or dead at the start. i just dont understand. people need education, compassion, and help... not to be made to feel guilty and ashamed for things that might not be their fault or in the best interests of ANYONE at the time. grrrr. im totally and utterly confused about the issues at that time, and would appreciate some outside opinions.
im in DC and im bored, i cant even believe this is happening. i wish i had come here with some other people that didnt have a family to entertain. or were at least fun. hpmph.

2006-01-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

pic for profile

2006-01-24T12:53:00.000-04:00

EVERYONE should see this movie!!!
heres the site where you can watch the preview

http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/mirrormask.html

and im posting the poster on the site too!!
i want to work with these guys someday that would rock my world.

the poster from mirror mask!!

wikipedia

2006-01-19T14:56:00.000-04:00

so i love wikipedia, its pretty freaking awesome.
i learned that Hot could mean:
Hot can have several meanings:
Look up Hot in Wiktionary, the free dictionary

* Relatively high temperature. See also heat conduction.
* Can describe spicy food.
* Jargon used to describe radioactivity. "Be careful, the room is hot".
* Hot is also the name of a 1970s pop music group whose best-known song is "Angel In Your Arms".
* In some areas of the United States, it is another name for a hot dog.
* Slang adjective describing something that has been stolen.
* Slang adjective describing something or someone that is sexually attractive and/or provocative (ie. Josh is hot).
* Slang synonym for "impressive", "great", "cool", or "excellent". The usage of the word in this manner is notably used by Paris Hilton as a catch phrase: "That's hot!".
* Hot is an acronym for Heal over Time. (antonym: damage over time)
so think about that next time you call some one hot....

and that apparently no one can get together on what exactly a young adult is:

The term "Young adult", when used in different contexts, can refer to slightly different age groups:

* In psychology, people of the age 20 to 40 are considered Young adults.

* In the marketing of literature, books for Young adults are roughly targeted for ages 12 to 18.

* In health and human development, young adulthood is considered to be the stage between adolescence and adulthood, roughly ages 15 to 24.

* In popular usage, "young adult" is sometimes simply a euphemism for adolescent.

thats pretty dissappointing. apparently the generations before us managed to create a new section of development, but never bothered to figure out what it was... *gosh*

there is also what david brooks said in his article called "bondage and bonding online" its about myspace and facebook and other stuff... its not exactly a positive image he sets forward. apparently we are all socially inept so we turn to the internet for help. grrrr.

" Some sociologists worry that we're bowling alone, but these sites (MySpace has 20 million visitors a month) are all about community. They're commonly used by people in the new stage of life that's been created over the past few decades. They are in their early to mid-20's; they're out of school but have no expectation they should marry soon. They're highly mobile, half-teen/half-adult, looking for a life plan and in between the formal networks of school, career and family.

So they bond online with an almost desperate enthusiasm. The Web pages they create are part dorm-room wall, part bulletin board, part young person's society page. They post photos of favorite celebrities, dirty postcards and music videos. And there are tons of chug-and-grins: photos of the gang gripping beers at a bar, photos of the tribe chugging vodka on the beach, photos of the posse doing shots at an apartment. Scroll down the page and there are people falling over each other, beaming and mugging for the camera phone."

perhaps we should consider equipping young people with more skills that they will need for life, as opposed to force feeding them facts that they barf up on standardized tests without ever using their brains once... huh? huh? huh?

ahhhhhh

2006-01-19T14:20:00.000-04:00

man, blog!! its soo good to see you again. i give up on myspace, frankly, i didnt want to be on it to begin with, you know... on principle. then my sister made me one and i got sucked into that whole world for a little while. thanks GOD i got out. myspace is nice and all, but its not really my space. its not ever really real. its virtual space, and not what i need to even be doing with my time.
man, i cant believe i stayed healthy through the fall though. it was all over in december and january damnit. ive not been this sick since i was a kid i think. its like i stored up all the little colds i could have had over time and the turned into one whammy of a disaster. my dad didnt even think i was really sick and told me not to go to the doctor, i was sick though. my parting gifts for this 3 week fiasco were a sinus infection and the worst ear infection ive ever had (seriously the doctor said it was the worst ear he'd seen this week, crazy). so now im on the ole antibiotics and drinkin lots of water. its just super. at least i dont feel like im going to die anymore, right?
so i did read a book while i was sick, so there is an upside i guess. ive been listening to a lot of lectures on tape because theres nothing else to do in the 30 - 45 min drive i have to work everyday. i have heard some talks by rikk watts and marva dawn on the pastor and the prophetic ministry of jesus, and of course the NT Wright ones on apocloypse. they are all really good, but have left me wanting more, which is good since i am really hoping and praying that i get into seminary for the fall. that would be REALLY REALLY SUPER. but i hear that the best way to make god laugh is to tell god your plans. which i believe is probably true, but probably not as theologically sound as we would like it to be.
man this blog is dated, i gotta change the colors and stuff soon. its far to pink. i like pink, but not this much.
oh! the book i read... i read anne lammotte's "Traveling Mercies" and it was pretty awesome. its just stories from her life and her thoughts on faith. its beautifully written and not cheesy at all. i mean its kind of a trend in christian books to tell stories about your life and tie them to jesus, but she does it in a different way and sticks to a lexicon that the average person would appreciate. the stories she tells are ones that a lot of people can empathize with. i just really enjoyed her approach to life. "god loves us too much to let us stay the way we are" i learned so much from that book. i cant wait to read the next one called "plan b"
first im reading a book by kathleen norris called "amazing grace:a vocabulary of faith" its pretty good so far. she takes the "scary" words of teh faith and explains them in an intelligent and thoughtful way. i want to write a book like this someday. mine will be different though.
apparently the PC(USA) is attempting to bring young adults into the loop. my dad gave me this pamphlet that the church got in the mail. its SO cheesy!!! its called WE BELIEVE (i think thats a childrens cirriculum too), its short small group studies designed to be for young adults, ugh, jesus and the hip hop generation, mix it up: faith and politics, healthy living: stewardship of the body, checklist of life, discerning gods call, seekers, saints and other hypocrits, islam and christianity, urgency born of hope, the matrix and the gospel, beyond the outer limits.... i mean WHAT? apparently young adults have absolutely NO interest in studying the actually bible or anything that isnt really fakey pop culture rip offs. we dont want to just get together and enjoy being in a community of like minded individuals, or just of people who share a faith. no wonder i dont like going to church.
i think im done for now, but ill be back after my meds kick in again and my brain clears up...

2006-01-05T00:13:00.000-04:00

L E T S B E H O N E S T

In the last month have you...
1. Had sex: no
2. Bought something: yes
3. Gotten sick: a little...
4. Sang: yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
5. Been kissed: sure
6. Felt stupid: yeah
8. Missed someone: yea
9. Got drunk: of course
10. Gotten high: nope
11. Danced crazy: yep
12. Gotten your hair cut: yes
13. Watched cartoons: duh
14. Lied: i doubt it

T H E L A S T P E R S O N T H A T

1. Slept in your bed: matilda, the cat
2. Saw you cry: dunno... melissa mack in college...
3. Made you cry: probably a stupid boy or my parents
4. Went to the movies with: rachel, ben, essie and adam
5. You went to the mall with: margo
7. You went to dinner with: ben
8. You talked on the phone with: casey
9. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it: ???
10. Broke your heart: i think we all know
11. Made you laugh: margo and her freezing feets
12. Bought you something: margo cause shes an awesome sugar mama

W O U L D Y O U R A T H E R

1. Pierce your nose or tongue? nose, duh
2. Be serious or be funny? funny, fo shizzle
3. Drink whole or skim milk? SOY!!
4. Die in a fire or drown? neither
5. Spend time with your parents or go down on someone? ...

A R E Y O U

1. Simple or complicated? probably more complicated than not...
2. Gay? straighter than you
3. Hardcore? whats that supposed to mean
4. Honest? yes

D O Y O U P R E F E R

1. Flowers or angels?: flowers
2. Gray or black?: black
3. Color or Black and white photos?: black and white makes everything look serious
4. Lust or love?: love...but there are times when lust is so good
5. Sunrise or sunset?: i see more sunsets
6. M&Ms or Skittles? neither i hate candy
7. Rap or rock?: classic rock
8. Staying up late or waking up early?: up late = better

T E L L T H E T R U T H

1. Do you like anyone?: always
2. Do they know it?: whatev...
3. Do you have a boyfriend?: no, and thats really ok.

D O Y O U L I K E

1. Being hot or cold?: HOT HOT HOT
2. Sun or moon?: moon
3. Winter or Fall?: fall
4. Left or right?: far left
5. Having 10 acquaintances who will have sex with you or having two best friends?: two best friends
6. Sun or rain?: sun
7. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: pinaple
8. Boys or girls: i like boys!!!

A B O U T Y O U

What time is it? 11:30
Nickname(s): grams...

U N I Q U E

1. Nervous Habits?: biting my lip, hair twirling, obnoxious nail biting
2. Are you double jointed?: nope
3. Can you roll your tongue?: yes!
4. Can you raise one eyebrow?: sure
5. Can you cross your eyes?: sure thang
6. Do you make your bed daily?: not really, weekly

C L O T H E S, E T C

1. Which shoe goes on first?: one of them
2. Ever thrown one at someone?: yes
3. On the average: this is not a complete thought, therefore not a question
4. Do you have your ears peirced?: yes, and my nose

F O O D

1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: i am allergic to wheat
2. Have you ever eaten Spam? GROSS
3. Favorite ice cream flavor?: pinapple
4. How many kinds cereal are in your cabinet?: 3 or 4
5. What's your favorite beverage? COFFEE
6. What's your favorite restaurant?: EL JELISCO
7. Do you cook? when i can

G R O O M I N G

1. How many times do you brush your teeth?: 1 or 2
2. Do you do your hair?: what does that mean exactly?
3. Have you ever dyed/highlighted your hair?: yea, otherwise its pretty much grey and im NOT OLD YET!!!

M A N N E R S

1. Do you swear?: when its necessary
2. Do you ever spit?: gross
3. You cook your own food: sometimes
4. You do your own chores?: i take care of myself
5. You got laid today?: no
6. You like beef jerky?: no
7. You like Pepsi or Coke?: orange juice
8. You plan on going to college? already been, going back soon.
9. You're happy with your hair?: not really, but who is?
10. You own a dog?: lucky and a cat
11. You spend your money wisely?:i am really stupid with money
12. You're always making new friends?: yes, YAY MYSPACE
13. You like to swim?: yeah im a FISHYYYY
14. Have you ever gotten so bored you called a friend?: all the time
15. You're patient?: im a patient
16. You like this survey?: NO TOO LONG

H A V E Y O U E V E R

1. Wished you were the opposite sex: yes, but just so i could have a really awesome part in a musical.
2. Snuck out of your house: honestly whats the point.
3. Gave money to a homeless person: yes

more than this...

2005-12-26T23:44:00.000-04:00

I woke up and the world outside was dark
All so quiet before the dawn
Opened up the door and walked outside
The ground was cold

I walked until I couldn’t walk anymore
To a place I’d never been
There was something stirring in the air
In front of me, I could see

More than this
More than this
So much more than this
There is something else there
When all that you had has all gone
And more than this
I stand
Feeling so connected
And I’m all there
Right next to you

It started when I saw the ship go down
I saw them struggle in the sea
And suddenly the picture disappears
In front of me

Now we’re busy making all our busy plans
On foundations built to last
But nothing fades as fast as the future
And nothing clings like the past, until we can see

More than this
More than this
So much more than this
There is something out there
More than this
It’s coming through
And more than this
I stand alone and so connected
And I’m all there
Right next to you

Oh then it’s alright
When with every day another bit falls away
Oh but it’s still alright, alright, alright
And like words together we can make some sense

Much more than this
Way beyond imagination
Much more than this
Beyond the stars
With my head so full
So full of fractured pictures
And I’m all there
Right next to you
So much more than this
There is something else there
When all that you had has all gone
And more than this
I’m alone
Feeling so connected
And I’m all there right next to you

More than this
More than this
More than this

i like this song!! A LOT!!
peter gabriel wrote it, and he did a good job, but the polyphonic spree cover is AMAZING!! im not gonna lie.

sorry guys i suck at blogging lately! oh well... too bad for you! bwahahaha! no one checks this anyways.

holy crap ive been cubed...

2005-12-08T00:18:00.000-04:00

The Cube. Answer each question for yourself thoroughly before moving on to the next.

1.) Imagine a desert landscape. It's very simple . . . horizon, sand, sky, whatever you see when you think of a desert.

2.) In this desert there is . . . a cube!
What does the cube look like? What's it made of (if you know)? What color is it? How big? Is it sitting on the sand, or in some other position? How close or far away is it?

3.) In this desert there is also a ladder. Where is it (in relation to the cube)? What is it made of? What position is it in? Does it have many rungs? A few rungs?

4.) In this desert there now appears . . . a horse. Where is the horse? What color is it? What is it doing? Does it have on a saddle or bridle, or not?

5.) Now, somewhere in the desert there is a storm. What kind of storm is it? Where is it? And does it affect the cube, the ladder, the horse, or not?

6.) Finally, somewhere in the desert are flowers. Where are they (in relation to the cube, ladder, horse, storm)? What kind are they? Are they many or few? Scattered or clustered?

http://ambivablog.typepad.com/ambivablog/files/the_key_to_the_cube
http://personal.ansir.com/cube/glossary.html
to to that site for teh answers!

here are my answers!
1. its your typical desert, yellow sand, blue sky, dunes and a few cactii

2. its 3ft by 3ft... translucent cube... mainly ungulating shades of blue and green and opaque, its in the sky, pretty high up, taller than me

3. the ladder is wooden and leaning up against the cube...just hitting the bottom of the cube, it is old, weatherworn...

4. the horse is pretty close, on a different dune though, rearing up and white, a stallion. not going away, but not comming closer either. no saddle or bridle.

5. the storm is off to the left, like the nothing from the neverending story... but its holding in place for now, some wind and clouds are blocking a little sun from the horse and the cube, not effecting the ladder at all...

6. flowers are everywhere in lil clusters. all around. on everything.

2005-12-05T02:54:00.001-04:00

the source

2005-12-05T02:54:00.000-04:00

the source

2005-12-05T02:52:00.001-04:00

letting go

2005-12-05T02:51:00.000-04:00

letting go 3

2005-12-05T02:50:00.005-04:00

growth, other side, crappier pic

2005-12-05T02:50:00.004-04:00

desloation3

2005-12-05T02:50:00.003-04:00

growth, crappy pic

2005-12-05T02:50:00.002-04:00

same thing

2005-12-05T02:50:00.001-04:00

angst

2005-12-05T02:50:00.000-04:00

selfportrait

2005-12-05T02:49:00.001-04:00

desloation2

2005-12-05T02:49:00.000-04:00

desolation

2005-12-05T02:48:00.000-04:00

backwash front

2005-12-05T02:47:00.002-04:00

backwash closeup

2005-12-05T02:47:00.001-04:00

backwash 1

2005-12-05T02:47:00.000-04:00

jam band

2005-12-05T02:45:00.000-04:00

it was requested that i put some of my stuff up so here they are!

2005-11-23T20:07:00.000-04:00

*TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey*
Name:	Marie
Birthday:	08-11-82
Birthplace:	spartanburg, sc
Current Location:	charlotte, nc
Eye Color:	gray-blue
Hair Color:	dark blonde
Height:	5'3"
Right Handed or Left Handed:	right
Your Heritage:	czech and american mutt
The Shoes You Wore Today:	mary janes
Your Weakness:	beer and hot wings
Your Fears:	the dark amongst other things
Your Perfect Pizza:	i cant eat pizza, im alergic to wheat, rub it in already
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:	get into grad school
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:	all of them
Thoughts First Waking Up:	my clock is 10 min fast, i can still sleep
Your Best Physical Feature:	im gorgeous
Your Bedtime:	whenever... usually 1 or 2
Your Most Missed Memory:	friends my own age
Pepsi or Coke:	pepsi
MacDonalds or Burger King:	gross
Single or Group Dates:	single, but dates arent all that fun
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:	dunno the difference
Chocolate or Vanilla:	vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:	COFFEE
Do you Smoke:	sometimes
Do you Swear:	yes, but not at work
Do you Sing:	you cant stop me!!
Do you Shower Daily:	well i teach swimming lessons, so i dont have to right?
Have you Been in Love:	sure
Do you want to go to College:	already did, more than once
Do you want to get Married:	eventually
Do you belive in yourself:	sometimes
Do you get Motion Sickness:	no, why?
Do you think you are Attractive:	sure do
Are you a Health Freak:	absolutely not
Do you get along with your Parents:	yes
Do you like Thunderstorms:	when im not driving
Do you play an Instrument:	i used to
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:	sure did
In the past month have you Smoked:	sure did
In the past month have you been on Drugs:	nope
In the past month have you gone on a Date:	nope
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:	unfortunately yes, and much to my dismay i will go again
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:	ew
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:	yes!!!!
In the past month have you been on Stage:	yep
In the past month have you been Dumped:	dont think so
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:	too cold
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:	not on purpose
Ever been Drunk:	absolutely
Ever been called a Tease:	probably
Ever been Beaten up:	in elementary school
Ever Shoplifted:	i once stole a pack of gum
How do you want to Die:	i dont, but its ok if i do eventually
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:	something important
What country would you most like to Visit:	costa rica
*In a Boy/Girl..*
Favourite Eye Color:	brown
Favourite Hair Color:	blonde-dark brown
Short or Long Hair:	doesnt matter all that much
Height:	taller than me
Weight:	not a complete blob
Best Clothing Style:	clean
Number of Drugs I have taken:	not many, brain still intact?
Number of CDs I own:	i dont care
Number of Piercings:	dont care
Number of Tattoos:	love em!
Number of things in my Past I Regret:	as few as possible
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!

so its time for another quote page!

2005-11-22T14:33:00.000-04:00

thanks google quote of the day for these! i did my junior exit project on James Thurber. hes a funny guy!
All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.: James Thurber

To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.: Robert Orben

Nowadays men lead lives of noisy desperation.
James Thurber (1894 - 1961)

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.: Robert Louis Stevenson (1850 - 1894)

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
James Thurber

I loathe the expression "What makes him tick." It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm.: James Thurber

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.: James Thurber

There are two kinds of light--the glow that illuminates, and the glare that obscures.: James Thurber

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.: James Thurber

You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.: James Thurber

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.: James Thurber

im gonna try to stop being a hater!

2005-11-18T11:41:00.000-04:00

RECLAIM CHRISTMAS!

Take Christmas back from advertisers and pagans this year by NOT giving presents!!
CELEBRATE by helping to put right some of the brokenness we have caused in the world! DONATE to your favorite charity, church or whatever organization you prefer in the name of the person for which you are giving. Work in a soup kitchen, invite over family and friends and listen and care about them instead of throwing presents at them and scooting them out the door. Celebrate the incarnation of Christ by honoring what that did for christians... gave us a relationship with God. for those in the dark about the term, its the act of grace by which Christ took our human nature in union with the Divine nature and became flesh! The union is hypostatical, i.e., is personal; the two natures are not muxed nor confounded, and it is perpetual; Acts 20:28, Rom 8:32, 1Cor 2:8, Heb 2:11-14, 1 Tim 3:16, Gal 4:4. its crazy i know.
Quit being hypocritical and remember that if you say your a christian you shouldnt be distracted by santa claus. if you get the gimmies, cure them with the givies! you dont need all that poorly manufactured crap anyways, AND those sales arent real, these companies plan their year around christmas, so they can gouge you for every dime that you have! kind of like oil companies.
remember what we wouldnt have without christ (from a christian perspective), relationship with god (its not that im an evangelist, im an informant who reads too much doctrine. for real. i know you guys didnt think i could read, but it turns out... IM LITERATE! woo hoo)
Celebrate your relationships with friends and family to honor the incarnation of christ! woo hoo!
im gonna stop being a hater someday!

ok for real! i went and heard this really famous dude, NT Wright, Bishop of Durham
check out this site its pretty informative.
this dude is SO well read and he remembers it all. he did a fantastic job of highlighting empire in modernity and post modernity and then Jesus and Lord vs Caesar as Lord and the Power struggle in the current economic empire. i cant explain to you how glad i am that i was able to go!

so my notes are outside, so ill fill in the rest later!

i hate christmas and thanksgiving

2005-11-15T15:54:00.000-04:00

Happy "its not quite the holidays" time. Take a deep breath, and brace yourself. we are in the final days of very near peace, cause the air is electric like the whole world is about to exlpode.. its the lull before the GREED tsunami that we call family holidays... don't worry your seat cushion turns into a floatation device and your armrests turn into a mask and snorkle. pull the cushion up and out then hug it to your chest because your life depends on it, while trying frantically to secure your mask and snorkle to your head so you will be immune to all the bullshit that is about to hit you like a ton of bricks. i don't like these holidays... clearly.
they just seem so cheap. its certianly not christian anymore. i dont want ANOTHER pile of shit i didnt even know i wanted. there is a difference in giving out of love and just shoveling it at people to keep up appearances. i mean i know for a fact that the people in my family who arent my parents or siblings will just rummage around in their basements, garages or "re-gifting" drawers wrap it and call it a gift. well its crap. i hate it. do they really need to REaffirm that they dont like me EVERY year? i just dont think its necessary. thanksgiving used to be painful until we stopped making it a family affair and started having friends over and parting hard. thanks giving needs to be just that, or we just shouldnt celebrate it at all, cause honestly its like celebrating that our ancestors very nearly killed off a whole race of people in order to form a less perfect union and destroy the world!! woo hoo!
sorry i got a little carried away there. i wouldnt really have a family that knew anything about each other if it wasnt for these cheesy holidays. now as far as the reason for the season and all... christianity is all about relationships, forming them, maintaining them, not breaking them... so i guess we are very nearly on the track next to the right track. halmark, walmart, KB toys, etc... are nudging us HARD in the wrong directions though.
we should all be like my friend scott and be generous, loving and forgiving ALL YEAR ROUND.... i know its hard to fathom, but lets give it a shot... ok?
im really not asking for presents this year. if you feel like giving me something, stop yourself, and they donate to your favorite charity or contribute to my campaign for my own higher education, because school aint free yet.
yea, its true, i also think its poor stewardship to make people pay for seminary, but the church aint got much money blah blah blah...
i hate money. its the root of all evil, far too friendly with power, which is absolutely corrupting...
christmas is is a really sucky time of the year for some of us. people without families, people who arent christians, single people, those prodigal sons and daughters... it might be better this year though, since its in vogue to find yourself and all. well shit if maddonna did it, so can i!
also in vogue is getting married and then divorced as quickly as possible. i mean for real, this trend is BAD. its completely cheapening the sacrament of marriage, and dating in general. when you marry someone you make a committment to them, for better or for worse. its not a cheap magic trick. there is more at stake here than just you, when you get married you become "we" which means two individuals together. its hard work man, but its totally worth it. breaking that relationship is bad for all parties involved. its just riduculous that people are profiting off marrages and divorces, and the pain of other people. its so dumb. dumd, dumb, dumb. it has completely cheapend the idea of marriage and relation, did i say that already. no one had any respect for anyone else anymore. rar.
even david spade did a bit in his "there i said it" segment on it. i wish i could find it. i searched for like 20 min. rar.
well i guess im done now.
ill talk to ya lata!

2005-11-07T17:07:00.000-04:00

so it turns out im totally a yuppie... a vintage yuppie... tee hee. for real this is the most awesome outfit pretty much ever.

2005-11-07T17:01:00.000-04:00

here is a collage of pics from my trip to KY... i would say its a pretty accurate representation...

2005-11-01T15:31:00.000-04:00

finally!

2005-10-31T20:38:00.002-04:00

the whole crew!

2005-10-31T20:38:00.001-04:00

margo again

2005-10-31T20:38:00.000-04:00

margo

2005-10-31T01:48:00.000-04:00

me and my boyfriend napolean..

2005-10-30T22:44:00.000-04:00

new haircut and awesome glasses!

odd todd

2005-10-28T14:23:00.000-04:00

i forgot to put this on there
you dudes out there gotta check this out.
http://www.oddtodd.com/index2.html
its pretty funny. i wish i had come up with it myself.
~m'ree out

2005-10-28T12:48:00.000-04:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(70% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(8% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

so thanks courtney, this site is really cool! who doesnt love online quizs after all. i mean i already knew this about myself, but neato. i dont really know what those percentages mean... 8% permissive? 70% permissive? what?!
k im done now...
the reason im taking these quizzes is because i had an interesting evening last night to say the least. i was just minding my own business up at the front desk... i wasnt feeling amazing to begin with yesterday, but then i blacked out. ugh. it was not fun. i had to stumble as best i could, stopping for short breaks back to the lifeguard area and lay down on a matt while i waited for my mom to come and get me. suck.
i still dont know whats wrong with me. i thought it was food poisening. im starting to think maybe i was dehydtated or something. cause im still not all here today.
it will be ok. im going to sit right here adn keep taking online quizes... woot. and checking other peoples blogs...

2005-10-27T14:10:00.000-04:00

so i wish i had a pic of my new hair cut real bad. its pretty short, and pretty awesome!
so i figured id give an update on a day in my life, just in case anyone was wondering, not that anyone is actually reading this.
moving on.
so i work at the YWCA at night... teaching swimming lessons, lifeguarding, and mostly working at the front desk- none of these are my favorite activities but whatev, the people are nice and its not bad to have something to do.
usually after work i have shit ass nothing to do so i drive the 30 min home and sit around pretending to do one art project or another, but mostly helping my father finish off a bottle of wine or something like that. i watch MASH and the stupid shows on cartoon network and often go to sleep shortly after that.
in the morning i get up.. usually around 11 (i work at night remember so i am allowed to sleep late now... well late-er). i tried getting up earlier but it just didnt work out. i think the invention of the snooze button is the downfall of society. i mea honestly, who do you trust to make decisions seconds af i do the morningtime stagger down the stairs... nearly tripping over things ive left there the night before. since it decided to get cold outside there are now boots and coats and scarves laying everywhere. which i think adds a nice spash of color to the foyer... tee hee.
i very nearly drink a pot of coffee by myself (not really but it sounds cool, i try to limit it to 3-4 cups)...
i spend most of my day very nearly doing things... i very nearly clean up my room. then i very nearly read a book... im reading the "idiot girls' action-adventure club" right now and it is probably the funniest book i have ever read. i can only read 3 chapters at a time cause im drowning in my tears of joy by the end of them. its now too cold to fart around outside... at least by my standards. i used to work out a lot, but ive been really slack about that lately. i mean I WORK AT A GYM.... its not as tough its not convient for me to just pop over to work like 30 min early... whatev. its not like im turning flaberific or anything.
i spend a lot of my time very nearly hanging out with friends, very nearly getting into relationships, i do actually frequent caribou coffee houses in the area where i work.
i am now scared to go alone because there is apparently a serial rapist on the loose, and due to a minor law and order addiction (im seeking help... dont worry) i am now too scared to persue my favorite activity. its sad. you would think that i would be under the delillusion (sp?) that i could solve the case, not become a case.
and then i go to work and fart around for a few hours every day.
it will be nice in november, i will actually have some days off, so i might be able to get into some trouble! woo hoo!
shit
im late.
peace

identity... check

2005-10-19T14:57:00.000-04:00

pile of faces...

pile of faces...
identity... check
so i wanted to post pictures, so now i figured out a way and we are all in trouble!
i like this site, its pretty easy to figure out when i have, ya know, an hour to do it cause im slow.
so im updating. i need to read through (i always need to do something...) that last entry to see if ive improved any from that time, which was like a month ago. there have been things i wanted to post, but i needed to switch to different ... blog jungle.
so now im in the blogger jungle, cause i like google. k? good. now that we have that cleared up lets talk about identity.
thats the topic i have been dealing with this past month. not my own identity, i think ive got a pretty firm hold on who i am and what im about these days. ive also got a firm grasp on the idea that we are constantly "reforming." so nothing is really a constant, or is it? i dont know.
lord... there is too much of all this to sort out, and my philosophy class in which i discussed these things was a long time ago.
so i wikipedia-ed it.
and it really didnt turn up too much at first. identity turned up mostly math related results. NOT what im looking for. rar. so i clicked on some other stuff and ended up with self, self-concept, etc... thats a little more like it.
so i guess we will be talking about the self, which is the idea of a unified being which is the source of an idiosyncratic consciousness. Moreover, this self is the agent responsible for the thoughts and actions of an individual to which they are ascribed. It is something which endures through time; thus, the thoughts and actions at different moments of time may pertain to the same self.
or
in psychology the self refers to the conscious, reflective personality of an individual.

i apologize in advance for the following bit of add.
disambiguation- what?!
i just learned that word... that was probably the most helpful word i have ever clicked on though. aww man, wouldnt it be amazing if everywhere you went if you got confused a little blue box would would appear that said "DISAMBIGUATION" in large block letters. when you hit the box everything would suddenly be clarified! how novel. you could only see it if you needed it though... kind of like idea of SEP (somebody elses problem) in the hitchhikers series. we will have to work on our bistromathmatics first...

and we are back on track! so we are going to be discussing HUMAN IDENTITY (please read this in a big announcer voice, thank you)
get excited.
so after spending a few work days surfing the information superhighway, gleaning all that i can about "SELF" which is not near as fun to say as HUMAN IDENTITY, but includes just as many big and scary topics.
people are weird. there. glad we got that out of the way.
people are dumb. whew!
people are complicated...
i mean its that whole thing who am? what makes me... me?
is it self?
i mean it all boils down to just asking "who am i?" over and over and over until you finally give yourself an honest answer. but will you ever get around to it? maybe, maybe not.
this is pretty sweet though, i seem to be following a natural progression from what is it all about? and why are we here? to who am i and what does it mean to me?
its nuts. guess thats ok.
identity is a some kinda intense subject. i mean, according to erikson i should have my personality pretty well in order by now... but is my personality all i am? Lord, im in trouble if thats the case. though my wiki friend says "In the healthy personality there is constant assimilation of new ideas and expulsion of old ideas throughout life." so thats good, there is hope.
luckily, i am also biologically a human, a female human... woah! stop. now some have tried to tell me that the soul is sexless (teehee... go ahead giggle at that word, it will make you feel younger)... well thats nice, but currently this soul or whatever you wanna call it is currently lodged in this feeble female body and that effects the way i see the world. other things like that, blondish red hair, blue eyes, not really thin or fat... short... those sorts things. you can change they way you look a little easier these days... for example if you go from fat to skinny, it really does impact they way people treat you oddly enough. also temperment and all those other things mother nature bestows on us whether we want it or not.

theres your worldview... *some people dont like this term, so if your one of them please ignore it, think of perception or maybe your perhaps a giant microscope where the lenses are your experiences, culture, ideas, and general temperment, dunno if that helps or not but at least i tried* ... also has a pretty big impact on who you are. i dont know about memories and all that. theres a lot of arguing to be done about memories apparently. we will discuss that at another time. for now lets assume that everything that happens to you, from the time you are aware of it, and maybe a little before, effects the way you see things. for example, if your parents are often of the absence of mind enough to forget to pick you up from swim practice, you are likely to assume you need to call them as soon as practice is over or be left out in the cold, right?
but that is an experience that has effected you... i dont mean to be leading into behaviorism or anything, i just couldnt help it. i mean we get programed in all sorts of ways.
we are american, unfortunately (or not...), and this impacts they way you will be raised, what you will want out of life, how you interact with other people. most of us were raised witn early 80s parenting styles, which is ok i guess. it has given us a value system, a social code, language, group identity... this book even sites mythes as answers to big questions (religion??), legends and heros to provide group identity...
but how much of that is actually you, and how much of that is just sort of a lense through which you look at the world. cause your perception is def a part of it. how you react to things i guess.

how much a part of you is what you do? im a lifeguard, a recptionist, a swimming instructor and a fitness lady... i mean i am not that. i certianly dont want to do it forever. some dude told me to get a real job the other day... i was like you can take that real job, sit on it and spin. assface.
not really, but i did think about it.
in america its VERY important to have a job, or a purpose that makes you money and my generation of people are doing the thing were we live at home and work crappy jobs to save money... its tuff and hard to get straight in your head.
i guess family has something to do with it, im the oldest of four.
i try to be an artist.
i try to be nice...
i try to be productive...

I. I! I? how did this suddenly become about me!? guess it was inevitable, we are essentially egocentric when it comes down to it arent we? i mean we can sympathize and sometimes empathize with other people, but eventually it comes down to being all alone inside your head.
but thats not the end of it either, cause we want to be a part of something so we keep trying. or do we? because we still will see ourselves in a different way than others see us...
i live in this time and space, so this is all thats real to me. suck. thats no good. but true.
but then apparently weve come back around to this question...
"HOW MUCH OF ME IS ME???" precisely where we started. isnt it. i dunno im too lazy to scroll up and check for real.
i really dont know..
so there are some more things about your self concept... its apparently organized... and stable... so it tends to resist change.

this quote explains the existance of assholes "Individuals strive to behave in ways that are in keeping with their self-concepts, no matter how helpful or hurtful to oneself or others."

I guess because we are ego-based creatures... the self-concept usually takes precedence over the physical body. Individuals will often sacrifice physical comfort and safety for emotional satisfaction. maslow would have a fit!

ok im done with this for now! peace.

2005-10-19T14:46:00.000-04:00

so this is me

2005-10-19T14:35:00.000-04:00

what?!

quotefest!!

2005-10-19T14:15:00.000-04:00

woo hoo! for my first real entry im going to have a quotefest! im excited.
who even knew there were this many quotes out there about reality? i didnt. and clearly ive been reading a little too much douglas adams... which is aweome! eventually ill figure out how to put some pictures on this bad boy!
have fun with these!

Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
- TS Eliot

Everything is a dangerous drug except reality, which is unendurable.
- Cyril Connolly

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
-Garrison Keillor

Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
- Jane Wagner

Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Jules de Gaultier

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Lily Tomlin (1939 - )

we have the power marie.
the president is just there to make sure we don't get pissed enough to use it
-matt

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.... one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whome you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.
to summarixe: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. to summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made president should on no account be allowed to do the job. to summarize the summary of teh summary: people are a problem.
- Douglas Adams

Reality is frequently inaccurate.
- Douglas Adams

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss
- Douglas Adams
(try it!)

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do
so.
- Douglas Adams

It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.
- Douglas Adams

help...

2005-10-17T10:47:00.000-04:00

so ive read "on the road" by jack Kerouac, tom Wolfe's "kool-aid acid test" and seen i heart huckabees (like 10 times, once with commentary) for that matter... i keep getting in deeper and deeper with this beatnik stuff... its nuts, like wading around in the manure of human drama or something... i think i started in on it because i was wondering if there was anyone out there that wondered "what is going on?" too.. ya know? so now i cant stop thinking about stuff... like what does it mean to be? just be? "to be" or "i am" is where God comes from... the great i am... is it possible to just be... why would you want to merely exist... how do you do it? why would you want to... isn't there more to life than just existing... why is love the first thing people think of as being more to life, what about hope, faith, fellowship, comfort, safety... but also fear, loathing, anger, contempt, hurt, frustration... and the mixing of them all... why would you want to break it all down, or stop feeling... does there need to be a point to it all or can we just keep trying... like janis says "try just a little bit harder" do we need a sign...?
and also... all these books i have been reading are by men.. im sick of that shit... the movies are produced, directed and written by men... and the women aren't exactly portrayed as intellectual...
what am i supposed to think of all this. i listened to the commentary on i heart huckabees and they are talking about narcissism, what?! i mean the is the entire pursuit of "meaning" or a "higher level of understanding" completely ego-fueled and a uniquely individual experience...
I need to know there is something out there... more to life... that there is something more or better to come... like nirvana or something... but the seven steps don't work for everyone and you cant really share it with anyone, nor can you have the exact experience of someone else. but i cant do it the way everyone else has done it, im not reassured the same way... i dont want my emotions manipulated, my money stolen or my brain tapped...
YOU experience it, from YOUR worldview which will give you YOUR OWN understanding of the universe as it is... YOU break down YOUR identity to figure out whats going on with events in YOUR life... YOU have to decide what has meaning to you and waht doesnt... what is your purpose, who are you....
regardless of how this will effect other people...
is everything connected and we should only see the good or is nothing connected and everything meaningless?
either way its gonna keep going, the world... whether you participate in it or not... you exist... you are...
it goes on without you..
at the same pace as when you left it.
i think that women have more complex worldviews than men. we have to be flexible thorugh out life and we live inside constant dualities. so many simultaneous pressures...
OUR worldviews are more communally based i think. no, i believe.
women are always depicted as superficial or caring more about everyday drudgery than philosophy, marthas if you will (pardon my biblical reference, ive been doing that a lot lately) because that WAS our place, a long time ago. right?
wrong, its still the same, but with tighter pants and implants.
im not saying that women are above the narcissic flight from reality that a lot of men take via philosophy... thats a buz word... thinking about stuff in a deeper way is nice, contemplating why we are here is great, but we ARE here, do something... decide your call and do it right? not that easy... philosophy... pffff.
wouldnt just "being" be close to god the great "i am" ?
im also saying that we are here in this life, with lots of other people... why not treat them like other us's? people arent as different as we want them to be. we all need a sign, and a reason for they way things have to be, from time to time, we also need intimacy... an open honest relationship... not necessarily involving with another human... thats the other thing those damned men in those books and movies were lookign for, a completely open and honest relationship.. really they wanted into some one elses head. but you cant, (unless your on acid apparently,) we are existentially lonely... alone... thats it, you cant understand someone else completely because only YOU have had the series of experiences blah blah... maybe they were trying the wrong ways... they were too proactive, didnt dismantle to calm down and avoid emotions... or are we all connected through the pain and the cracks... i mean you cant really haveone without the other... i think emotions are the meat of life. i think that women experience these same things as men, same ideas, they just deal with them in a different manner. we are wired differently... not necessarily better, just different. we are all neurotic, definitely different... different is not bad, just not the same... there is no weird... dont limit yourself, normal doesnt exist... different is not scary, just sometimes hard to understand.. i found this in the dictionary, prolly doesnt apply, but whatever... its livejournal...
Source: THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993)
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white,
together drew And having each a pleasant sense
Of t'other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed Their feelings.
Then they effervesced!
So Nature executes her feats
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who don't apply,
That you are you and I am I.

the men in these movies and books just use most of the people around them as if they are toys places in their path for them to play with, not real people that could possible have the same thought and feelings or sense of being as they do. ultimtely we are all like brad from i heart huckabees... just playing different parts in different situations to watch out for number one... really this is an american sentiment, other countries have a better sense of corporate identity. america, army of one (which also means everyone is disposable) people are madly searching, but not finding what they need and falling into everything else that cant fill them up... you cant be above everything... we all fall back into human drama no matter what right? isnt understanding/connecting with another being is the ultimate experience?
intimacy?.
the need for this is often confused with sex, religion, sports, drugs, love... its all the same. whatever...
there comes a point when we realize there is something missing, or we get lonely... we all need somthing to fill that hole inside us, if there is a hole inside you, sorry i made an assumption there. but its an existential thing... needing purpose. and dying.
but what is the answer?
why doesnt anyone care enough about womens struggle with the infinite to deal with it? eating brownies and wearing a bonnet are not it. NOT. i resent beign considered neurotic just for thinking.
the beatniks dug on life right? they were in the here and now for the most part? i dunno.
other related things im pissed off about... in regards to the selection of an interview outfit why do i have to play a game to succeed? i dont want to sell my body to make a living, if i did id be a prostitute. i shouldnt have to play this game, im too smart to waste time worrying if my outfit will turn on some guy at work making it hard for him to get his job done... sounds like his problem to me. they are body parts, just because my collar bones are exposed doesnt mean i want to you. i should be able to look and dress like a woman, be intelligent and emotional and sensual and have people not be scared of me or think i am dumb. i should be able to be pretty and smart and taken seriously with out having to proove something to all the assholes that look down my shirt and dont listen to the words that are comming out of my mouth because i couldnt possibly have anything to say that would make sense about the world. who cares anyways?!!!! i know there have been female philosophers but they have played the game to get there and i dont want too... but if i speak out they will roll their eyes and try to put me in a jar so they can poke at me and laugh... dont placate me!!
youll be hearing from me again.
can i trust my habitual mind... no!
what matters everything? nothing?
why am i here? who am i to me, who am i to otherS?
is this reality real or is the next? is there a next? is this hell?
do i have all the answers? can i understand the answers?
is my mind limited too human manure?
ha! dismantle... what?! faith? hope? pish. not the same thing, but cant hvae one with out the other... weird
i dont know.... :)