www.marisaurusrev.wordpress.com
Check it out. I will still post on this sometimes, but wordpress is where its at for the most part!
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I'm not poor...
Old post from August that I found looking for old pics of art...
I have graduated from Seminary and got blindsided by the real world. I am having a hard time this summer because I am kind of stuck in no woman's land. I am supposed to do CPE in the fall. Maybe... I want to get a job. I need to get a job. I really NEED to get a job.
I have applied everywhere. I have tried calling, personally showing up, mailing in my resume and a cover letter, emailing, using the online sites for finding jobs... How does one get a job? It was suggested that I quit putting that I have a masters degree on my resume so I will cease to be overqualified.
I just have to wait. Why organizations feel it is fair for them to leave weeks between initial contact and asking you to interview, then more weeks before they decide not to hire you is beyond me. Churches are just as bad. I need a job like yesterday. I have been in a job finding frenzy since I realized I would not be at UrbanSpirit this summer. It is incredible how stressful this is.
I was discussing the things I really cannot afford but are things I take for granted with one of my friends and she said to me, "Marie you have never had to live without money have you."
She is right. I never really have. I lived and worked last summer at a poverty immersion program, but I still had an apartment to go home to and a bank account (full of student loans) to support my needs when I ran out of options... Now, when it runs out its all gone and there is nothing I can do but go home with my tail between my legs... I don't want to do that. But why would that be so bad? What is the worst thing that could happen? I would be ashamed? I would live with my parents? I would turn thirty having accomplished nothing but a masters degree and an ever increasing pile of debt... Really I don't want to know, but at least I wouldn't be dead.
What I keep thinking about is that I can at least go home, what about the people who feel this everyday that have no other options. Who if they cannot make their car payment will have their car taken away or who if they get sick might not be able to pay for a cure (if there is one)... The anxiety that I feel about potentially not being able to pay bills is just eating away at me. Its hard to get things done when you are worrying all the time. Also because I am busy constantly trying to do every odd job that comes along because I have to be able to have money. It runs my life and I hate it. I loathe money, the need for it and the lack of it. I would rejoice if I won Publishers ClearingHouse or the lottery though. It would be nice not to worry, but then I would have a whole set of new worries.
Ani Defranco says in one of her songs 'Back when I had a little, I thought that I needed a lot. A little was over rated, but a lot was a little too complicated. You see-Zero didn't satisfy me, A million didn't make me happy. That's when I learned a lesson. That it's all about your perception' - I listen to this, to lots of music like this and I wonder what is my deal? Great, I have a little, I shouldn't have any worries, but having a little doesn't provide peace of mind. The poor aren't nice pets to be admired and put back into their cages when we are ready to retreat back to the middle class bubble. I am so angry with myself for not being capable of being satisfied with what I (can) have. I am also frustrated with the system that allows obscene stratification of wealth and that doesn't even care that people suffer because of it.
I guess I also feel invisible. My friends have jobs and significant others, I don't really see them because I have to work every insane odd job that I can take. Who cares that I am scared? There are so many people out there, living in houses, apartments, cars and street corners that are scared that have no one. I guess I should count my blessings, but tonight I wish I could count dollars... :(
I have graduated from Seminary and got blindsided by the real world. I am having a hard time this summer because I am kind of stuck in no woman's land. I am supposed to do CPE in the fall. Maybe... I want to get a job. I need to get a job. I really NEED to get a job.
I have applied everywhere. I have tried calling, personally showing up, mailing in my resume and a cover letter, emailing, using the online sites for finding jobs... How does one get a job? It was suggested that I quit putting that I have a masters degree on my resume so I will cease to be overqualified.
I just have to wait. Why organizations feel it is fair for them to leave weeks between initial contact and asking you to interview, then more weeks before they decide not to hire you is beyond me. Churches are just as bad. I need a job like yesterday. I have been in a job finding frenzy since I realized I would not be at UrbanSpirit this summer. It is incredible how stressful this is.
I was discussing the things I really cannot afford but are things I take for granted with one of my friends and she said to me, "Marie you have never had to live without money have you."
She is right. I never really have. I lived and worked last summer at a poverty immersion program, but I still had an apartment to go home to and a bank account (full of student loans) to support my needs when I ran out of options... Now, when it runs out its all gone and there is nothing I can do but go home with my tail between my legs... I don't want to do that. But why would that be so bad? What is the worst thing that could happen? I would be ashamed? I would live with my parents? I would turn thirty having accomplished nothing but a masters degree and an ever increasing pile of debt... Really I don't want to know, but at least I wouldn't be dead.
What I keep thinking about is that I can at least go home, what about the people who feel this everyday that have no other options. Who if they cannot make their car payment will have their car taken away or who if they get sick might not be able to pay for a cure (if there is one)... The anxiety that I feel about potentially not being able to pay bills is just eating away at me. Its hard to get things done when you are worrying all the time. Also because I am busy constantly trying to do every odd job that comes along because I have to be able to have money. It runs my life and I hate it. I loathe money, the need for it and the lack of it. I would rejoice if I won Publishers ClearingHouse or the lottery though. It would be nice not to worry, but then I would have a whole set of new worries.
Ani Defranco says in one of her songs 'Back when I had a little, I thought that I needed a lot. A little was over rated, but a lot was a little too complicated. You see-Zero didn't satisfy me, A million didn't make me happy. That's when I learned a lesson. That it's all about your perception' - I listen to this, to lots of music like this and I wonder what is my deal? Great, I have a little, I shouldn't have any worries, but having a little doesn't provide peace of mind. The poor aren't nice pets to be admired and put back into their cages when we are ready to retreat back to the middle class bubble. I am so angry with myself for not being capable of being satisfied with what I (can) have. I am also frustrated with the system that allows obscene stratification of wealth and that doesn't even care that people suffer because of it.
I guess I also feel invisible. My friends have jobs and significant others, I don't really see them because I have to work every insane odd job that I can take. Who cares that I am scared? There are so many people out there, living in houses, apartments, cars and street corners that are scared that have no one. I guess I should count my blessings, but tonight I wish I could count dollars... :(
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
walk these halls...
Each day I enter the hospital, trudging through two parking lots and downtown insane traffic, cut through the back Emergency Department entrance and weave my way through the Emergency Department main desk area. Dodging moaning patients in transport beds on the way to X-rays I badge out and breathe for a second as I reach my key down and unlock the door to our closet of an office. Opening the door I hardly even notice the key whip back into place on my spring loaded name tag holder and I sit for a minute and listen to the walls. Literally, because our office shares a wall with the the psychiatric department, and I listen for more than just sound.
The chaplains have a ritual for handing over the on call beeper. First, because you have been alone with the weight of crises care for the whole hospital on your shoulders for 8 hours, the chaplain gushes about the day, what happened, who died, who survived, how families are doing, where they are and who needs a visit. The incoming chaplain takes this opportunity to listen, to hear between the lines to be sure their colleague isn’t drowning in this sloshbowl of information.
Its an overwhelming position, chaplain. More happens in a day than is possible for a human being to take in at one time… ever. It is intimidating, especially in a culture where our iron grip on the surface level distractions cannot be budged except by a power outage. Unfortunately, as chaplain, this is an impossible posture. Everyday we gather ourselves and turn from our own lives to face the raw energy and unbridled emotions compulsively rush forth from those impacted by a crisis, death or sickness. We are the bottom line, we are the roots, the way back to reality for these folks, and this listening we do at the beginning of a shift is what grounds us in our day. It is sort of like putting your uniform on I guess.
Then the incoming chaplain gives an update on themselves and how they are doing and we pray. I find that my prayers during this time have a phrase that they cannot shake. It just bangs around in my head until I eventually rattle it out… ‘walk these halls…’ God be with me as I walk these halls (I chuckle about this as I say the world ‘walk’ because its more like a trot, a cha-cha and a marathon all mixed up together). These halls, here in the hospital are sacred. The rooms are intimidating, they hold life, stories, machines and medicines. The halls hold people who are trying their damndest to keep their shit together long enough to figure out whats going on. For doctors and nurses it seems to be a natural habitat. For chaplains, I think we are more of interlopers in this community. We dont come with medicine or tasks to fulfill. Instead we bear with us comfort, presence and hope.
We dont walk these halls on our own, we pray every day for God to go with us into that crazy jungle out there. To attend to each camp and be a grounding wire for them in their shock, fear and anxiety that washes over folks, like waves in a storm.
It isn’t an easy job on the feet, walking shoes are required. It is an active job, stamina is required and so is fuel. This time we spend praying at the beginning of each shift is our fuel. Our supervisor like to say we need to ‘eat the word’ each day. In taking the opportunity to listen to our colleagues and to help them digest what they have been through, and to pray it out of these walls, I think we do get the fuel to keep on walking another day.
I thought I was getting tired of the same old phrase ‘walk these halls…’ I dont think I can stop using it, it will have to be a mantra. Its so literal – yes, for a living I do walk up and down hallways, I do inhabit the gray space between nurses counter/dr’s office and patients room. It is also a metaphor for Christian life isn’t it? We live in the world but we are not of the world. I can see it now clearly in this way. As a Chaplain I connect people with each other and sometimes with reality, as a christian I connect my experience in the world with my knowledge and experience of God. Walking these halls of life is just as much a challenge as chaplaincy isn’t it then.
Its a facinating little phrase. Maybe its a call to loosen my white-knuckled grip on the surface level and allow myself to descend into my life, to really be a full participant in my life. Perhaps I should see that God does offer me a grounding wire of hope through my too often neglected faith. In these halls, God assures me that my Creator understands the explosive, primitive and uncontrollable emotions that I brew myself in the basement of myself.
These halls are a strange territory in the current world. The economy is crashed, the world is warming, people are starving and fighting wars over oil, diamonds and that metal that makes cellphones vibrate… Those who can afford it escape into virtual palaces made of sites, sounds and silliness and those who cant march warily along side the rest of us. They beckon us into the halls, just for a second, to tell us something, but its too hard, to scary, facebook is better, youtube is safely hilarious.
Its hard to be in these halls, but we have to, we are called to poke around in these places that can feel unprotected and serious. We do have protection and grounding though, God watches over us, providing help as we walk these halls… Help in what manner no one can predict, only watch for.
The chaplains have a ritual for handing over the on call beeper. First, because you have been alone with the weight of crises care for the whole hospital on your shoulders for 8 hours, the chaplain gushes about the day, what happened, who died, who survived, how families are doing, where they are and who needs a visit. The incoming chaplain takes this opportunity to listen, to hear between the lines to be sure their colleague isn’t drowning in this sloshbowl of information.
Its an overwhelming position, chaplain. More happens in a day than is possible for a human being to take in at one time… ever. It is intimidating, especially in a culture where our iron grip on the surface level distractions cannot be budged except by a power outage. Unfortunately, as chaplain, this is an impossible posture. Everyday we gather ourselves and turn from our own lives to face the raw energy and unbridled emotions compulsively rush forth from those impacted by a crisis, death or sickness. We are the bottom line, we are the roots, the way back to reality for these folks, and this listening we do at the beginning of a shift is what grounds us in our day. It is sort of like putting your uniform on I guess.
Then the incoming chaplain gives an update on themselves and how they are doing and we pray. I find that my prayers during this time have a phrase that they cannot shake. It just bangs around in my head until I eventually rattle it out… ‘walk these halls…’ God be with me as I walk these halls (I chuckle about this as I say the world ‘walk’ because its more like a trot, a cha-cha and a marathon all mixed up together). These halls, here in the hospital are sacred. The rooms are intimidating, they hold life, stories, machines and medicines. The halls hold people who are trying their damndest to keep their shit together long enough to figure out whats going on. For doctors and nurses it seems to be a natural habitat. For chaplains, I think we are more of interlopers in this community. We dont come with medicine or tasks to fulfill. Instead we bear with us comfort, presence and hope.
We dont walk these halls on our own, we pray every day for God to go with us into that crazy jungle out there. To attend to each camp and be a grounding wire for them in their shock, fear and anxiety that washes over folks, like waves in a storm.
It isn’t an easy job on the feet, walking shoes are required. It is an active job, stamina is required and so is fuel. This time we spend praying at the beginning of each shift is our fuel. Our supervisor like to say we need to ‘eat the word’ each day. In taking the opportunity to listen to our colleagues and to help them digest what they have been through, and to pray it out of these walls, I think we do get the fuel to keep on walking another day.
I thought I was getting tired of the same old phrase ‘walk these halls…’ I dont think I can stop using it, it will have to be a mantra. Its so literal – yes, for a living I do walk up and down hallways, I do inhabit the gray space between nurses counter/dr’s office and patients room. It is also a metaphor for Christian life isn’t it? We live in the world but we are not of the world. I can see it now clearly in this way. As a Chaplain I connect people with each other and sometimes with reality, as a christian I connect my experience in the world with my knowledge and experience of God. Walking these halls of life is just as much a challenge as chaplaincy isn’t it then.
Its a facinating little phrase. Maybe its a call to loosen my white-knuckled grip on the surface level and allow myself to descend into my life, to really be a full participant in my life. Perhaps I should see that God does offer me a grounding wire of hope through my too often neglected faith. In these halls, God assures me that my Creator understands the explosive, primitive and uncontrollable emotions that I brew myself in the basement of myself.
These halls are a strange territory in the current world. The economy is crashed, the world is warming, people are starving and fighting wars over oil, diamonds and that metal that makes cellphones vibrate… Those who can afford it escape into virtual palaces made of sites, sounds and silliness and those who cant march warily along side the rest of us. They beckon us into the halls, just for a second, to tell us something, but its too hard, to scary, facebook is better, youtube is safely hilarious.
Its hard to be in these halls, but we have to, we are called to poke around in these places that can feel unprotected and serious. We do have protection and grounding though, God watches over us, providing help as we walk these halls… Help in what manner no one can predict, only watch for.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Pastoral Care and Social Networking
Can you do pastoral care via social networking?
your thoughts please!!
your thoughts please!!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Church.
For the last semester I have been working on the idea of 'making visible the invisible' in art and religion as I went through the semester. I built a church for my African American Christianity Class and collaged the inside of it to represent all the concepts we talked about from religion in slavery through the present times.
This is the unpainted version that I sent to my professor so he would not lose hope!
the gray dribblies are a kind of rusting paint that is now orangish...
front of the church; table, pulpit and chairs
View from the front of the downstairs
Left Balcony
Right Balcony
Whole thing...
This is the unpainted version that I sent to my professor so he would not lose hope!
the gray dribblies are a kind of rusting paint that is now orangish...
front of the church; table, pulpit and chairs
View from the front of the downstairs
Left Balcony
Right Balcony
Whole thing...
CHRISTMAS BIRDS!!!
Ok, I hate olives, however I made the coolest things ever today and I just had to share them. I got bored on Christmas while the fam was cooking and I was sitting in front of some toothpicks and the vegetable platter and these are the result! i made a penguin, a tucan and a pelican!!! :) SO FUN!!!
Monday, December 15, 2008
Making Visible the Invisible
So this is my Senior Seminar Project "Making Visible the Invisible"
I am still adding things to it, but this is the direction I am going!
I am still adding things to it, but this is the direction I am going!
This picture turned out TERRIBLE online, in person its great.
Each screen has different marginalized peoples on it - India, Africa and Brazil are represented on the screens.
These are awesome pics I took laying down in front of the alter in my church. It has the table, the light of Christ, the pupit for the word and the cross representing Jesus. The pictures in the back are things we forget. Water for our baptismal vows, money that runs the world (or money we have an others dont), disasters that occur, things that have happened in the past, or that people are dying unjustly in other place in the world, blood spilled...
This has a painting of the trail of tears on it.
Spirit pic!
Japanese Americans lining up to be sent to internment camps.
industrial rusting cross
B&W
Slave Ship with full load :(
Friday, December 05, 2008
yea... beyonce
so, i heard this song today on my way here to the heine bros to do work and it is apparently what i have been waiting to hear for a long time. I think if you change 'hero' to 'pastor' or 'friend' or 'parent' or anything really. i know posting lyrics is lame, but whatevs im doing it.
lets face it i also like it because i am obsessed with "heroes" the show and because "SHE saves the world" - like I and my super powers will. someday!
i am of course blogging again during exams... go figure. only while i am too busy to do anything else. :p
"Save The Hero"
I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everyone wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine
Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.
I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind it’s dead or die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
(?)
Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.
I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself
Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.
lets face it i also like it because i am obsessed with "heroes" the show and because "SHE saves the world" - like I and my super powers will. someday!
i am of course blogging again during exams... go figure. only while i am too busy to do anything else. :p
"Save The Hero"
I lay alone awake at night
Sorrow fills my eyes
But I’m not strong enough to cry
Despite of my disguise
I’m left with no shoulder
But everyone wants to lean on me.
I guess I’m their soldier.
Well, who’s gonna be mine
Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help.
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl…
After she saves the world
After she saves the world.
I bottle all my hurt inside,
I guess I’m living a lie.
Inside my mind it’s dead or die
What can bring me back to life?
A simple word, a gesture
Someone to say you’re beautiful
Come find this buried treasure
(?)
Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.
I’ve given too much of myself
And now it’s driving me crazy
(I’m crying out for help?
Sometimes I wish someone would
Just come here and save me…
Save me from myself
Who’s there to save the hero
When she’s left all alone
And she’s crying out for help
Who’s there to save the hero
Who’s there to save the girl
After she saves the world…
After she saves the world.
Wednesday, December 03, 2008
New Art
Photos from the newest project for my senior seminar project!
i couldnt have done it without my dad, carriebell, rachel morris and my baby sister!!!
woot!
they arent edited yet... so not complete. but they will be soon!
i couldnt have done it without my dad, carriebell, rachel morris and my baby sister!!!
woot!
they arent edited yet... so not complete. but they will be soon!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
sooo... uhhh... yeaaa...
so i need to blog aye?
i mean it needs to happen. i have no fans, buts fun, lets face it... and BETTER THAN FACEBOOK. WOO.
ok... i will write one in the next 3 days!
i mean it needs to happen. i have no fans, buts fun, lets face it... and BETTER THAN FACEBOOK. WOO.
ok... i will write one in the next 3 days!
Sunday, April 06, 2008
postsecret.
so i love postsecret, its become a spiritual practice for me to start obsessively checking every 20 minutes on Saturday night to see if the new ones have been posted yet. but in discussing this phenomenon with other people i have become a little concerned about the popularity of the postsecrets. Why is it so popular i ask? As i read them each week I wonder why these things are secret and i wonder what these secrets say about the things we actually value. I would say the root of most of them is an inability or the desire not to make yourself vulnerable. Things you couldnt tell your partner, things that would expose you as different from the impossibly odd standards society has laid upon us, expressions of thoughts that might condemn you or even change you by simply saying them out loud. Do i read these each week because i identify with the plight of these people, trapped inside my own sense of decency, unable to put myself out there enough to even stand next to someone at the grocery store.
Do we all live lives of secrets? If our society works because we keep things from each other what does that say about us? We might all be living a lie. How have we been made to feel so bad about ourselves that we cant even share our thoughts without worrying about being attacked for them, or for just being effected by feelings. Has capitalization bullied us into thinking that we actually dont have enough, dont look good enough, dont have someone, arent thin enough, arent muscled enough, arent happy enough, arent smart enough, dont matter enough unless we have all this stuff...etc... I think we may have been more effected by all of these things than we think. I mean just look at what has become of christmas over the last 50 years.
how does all this impact our faith. I have to dress a certian way to be a christian, be branded if you will. How can i be saved enough, happy enough, have enough christian art, the right bumper stickers and all that...? Just trying to be all that is exhausting. God made humans not clones. why all the secrets? what made some things ok to talk about and other things not.
secrets destroy communities. The one i am in here at school is still suffering from the aftermath of secrets. Its not fun because everyone is so suspicious of each other, the class above me particularly suffered i think. its horrible. its like everyone things the other guy has a gun in his pocket. why are we fascinated with these secrets. what are these secrets doing to America and how can we start truth telling again? Theres more power in truth than there is in cohesion or secrets. ask Martian Luther King, Thomas Merton or the womens rights activists. people respond to truth, but we have gotten so cynical that we might not even believe it. we need Jeremiah, Micah, Amos, Isaiah, Elijah, Elisha to come and get us to listen or at least work at it. now it feels like all the sides are sitting in a different rooms of a corporate high rise congratulating each other on the great job we are doing ignoring the fact that the building is on fire.
dunno what to do about that, or how i got here from postsecrets, but it is what it is. how can i start this honesty movement. transparency of communication. illumination of the people.
Do we all live lives of secrets? If our society works because we keep things from each other what does that say about us? We might all be living a lie. How have we been made to feel so bad about ourselves that we cant even share our thoughts without worrying about being attacked for them, or for just being effected by feelings. Has capitalization bullied us into thinking that we actually dont have enough, dont look good enough, dont have someone, arent thin enough, arent muscled enough, arent happy enough, arent smart enough, dont matter enough unless we have all this stuff...etc... I think we may have been more effected by all of these things than we think. I mean just look at what has become of christmas over the last 50 years.
how does all this impact our faith. I have to dress a certian way to be a christian, be branded if you will. How can i be saved enough, happy enough, have enough christian art, the right bumper stickers and all that...? Just trying to be all that is exhausting. God made humans not clones. why all the secrets? what made some things ok to talk about and other things not.
secrets destroy communities. The one i am in here at school is still suffering from the aftermath of secrets. Its not fun because everyone is so suspicious of each other, the class above me particularly suffered i think. its horrible. its like everyone things the other guy has a gun in his pocket. why are we fascinated with these secrets. what are these secrets doing to America and how can we start truth telling again? Theres more power in truth than there is in cohesion or secrets. ask Martian Luther King, Thomas Merton or the womens rights activists. people respond to truth, but we have gotten so cynical that we might not even believe it. we need Jeremiah, Micah, Amos, Isaiah, Elijah, Elisha to come and get us to listen or at least work at it. now it feels like all the sides are sitting in a different rooms of a corporate high rise congratulating each other on the great job we are doing ignoring the fact that the building is on fire.
dunno what to do about that, or how i got here from postsecrets, but it is what it is. how can i start this honesty movement. transparency of communication. illumination of the people.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 21, 2008
some things...
I felt like I MUST share this comic with as m
any people as possible. I am not entirely sure its legal for me to post it, but i did - so whatever. this comic sometimes absolutely rules. Like many others, sometimes it doesnt. I am also going to put my favorite postsecret so far on here. it was perfect because it was on just as I started class on Sexuality and Pastoral care and was in a relationship that made me wish it was appropriate for me to print this out and hand it to those of the appropriate gender... Its just not that hard, and I have never understood why we are so afraid of our bodies, of each others bodies and why we cant be comfortable with sexuality. You would think that since American culture has sexualized absolutely everything that we would be a little more comfortable with it. Instead, we cant just have regular relationships because EVERYTHING is sexual. It stinks, makes life awkward and
boring because there is no mystery when you know whats coming every time. Its just weird how we do. We cant touch without wondering what was behind it, men cant sit directly next to each other, hugs can be considered overstepping your boundaries. In Brazil everyone gives a hug and two kisses every time they see you. It was great. If you need 10 touches a day to be human, then Americans are robots. I am getting off the soap box now, but one last thing. I just think its sad that you have to second guess why you would put your arm around someon
e to comfort them. ya know?
I mean, who ever made this one was a genius. It think its fantastic. I guess its gonna be picture sharing time. I have another one i really like. I stole it from the Rethinking Youth Ministry blog. Its just wonderful, I LOVE the image of the leaning rusty broken cross. I think it speaks to what has happened to Christian
ity when we domesticated it.
Its towering, still visible, but decaying and hollow and i question whether there is still life to it. When i look at this picture I wonder if it used to light up at night and if it still does - because that would give leave a glimmer of hope to me. I got one more, then i HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK - which lets face it is lame. well its not lame, i have to learn how to preach. HAVE TO. so i guess its good homework. here is a picture i took at the beach in Mississippi on the Highland Pres mission trip this summer. That was such a good
trip for me. I love mission work, anywhere. This is what was left of the Pier after Katrina, 2 years later. I have no idea what that sheet on it is, but it sure looks like a ghost or something. so... i lied and there are a few more pictures that need on here. I took these on the snow day. I dont know what was up with my camera but it took these amazing pictures. The one to the right is the first one. IT IS CRAZY. thats a tree outside out library. the tree is dead. they have been having all these arguments on campus about what to do with it, because it might fall over or whatever. A tornado came through a few weeks ago and other HUGE LIVE trees fell on campus, and that 
one was completely fine. The next picture is also a little out there. I didn't edit these at all or anything. they just came out of camera land like this. What is going on here? Your guess is as good as mine. homework time!!
any people as possible. I am not entirely sure its legal for me to post it, but i did - so whatever. this comic sometimes absolutely rules. Like many others, sometimes it doesnt. I am also going to put my favorite postsecret so far on here. it was perfect because it was on just as I started class on Sexuality and Pastoral care and was in a relationship that made me wish it was appropriate for me to print this out and hand it to those of the appropriate gender... Its just not that hard, and I have never understood why we are so afraid of our bodies, of each others bodies and why we cant be comfortable with sexuality. You would think that since American culture has sexualized absolutely everything that we would be a little more comfortable with it. Instead, we cant just have regular relationships because EVERYTHING is sexual. It stinks, makes life awkward and
boring because there is no mystery when you know whats coming every time. Its just weird how we do. We cant touch without wondering what was behind it, men cant sit directly next to each other, hugs can be considered overstepping your boundaries. In Brazil everyone gives a hug and two kisses every time they see you. It was great. If you need 10 touches a day to be human, then Americans are robots. I am getting off the soap box now, but one last thing. I just think its sad that you have to second guess why you would put your arm around someon
e to comfort them. ya know?I mean, who ever made this one was a genius. It think its fantastic. I guess its gonna be picture sharing time. I have another one i really like. I stole it from the Rethinking Youth Ministry blog. Its just wonderful, I LOVE the image of the leaning rusty broken cross. I think it speaks to what has happened to Christian
ity when we domesticated it.Its towering, still visible, but decaying and hollow and i question whether there is still life to it. When i look at this picture I wonder if it used to light up at night and if it still does - because that would give leave a glimmer of hope to me. I got one more, then i HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK - which lets face it is lame. well its not lame, i have to learn how to preach. HAVE TO. so i guess its good homework. here is a picture i took at the beach in Mississippi on the Highland Pres mission trip this summer. That was such a good
trip for me. I love mission work, anywhere. This is what was left of the Pier after Katrina, 2 years later. I have no idea what that sheet on it is, but it sure looks like a ghost or something. so... i lied and there are a few more pictures that need on here. I took these on the snow day. I dont know what was up with my camera but it took these amazing pictures. The one to the right is the first one. IT IS CRAZY. thats a tree outside out library. the tree is dead. they have been having all these arguments on campus about what to do with it, because it might fall over or whatever. A tornado came through a few weeks ago and other HUGE LIVE trees fell on campus, and that 
one was completely fine. The next picture is also a little out there. I didn't edit these at all or anything. they just came out of camera land like this. What is going on here? Your guess is as good as mine. homework time!!
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
dinosaurs r us
umm. this is the most hysterical thing i have seen all day. well, in a long time anyways. JESUS WITH A T-REX!!!!
HOLY CRAP! made my day! I wonder if "all are welcome at the table" includes dinosaurs? maybe just the plant eaters? I mean, I wouldn't want to get eaten by a valosa raptor or a pterodactyl while gathered around the lords table. but who knows, Jesus could and should love dinosaurs. and honestly, i hope its a real advertisement, because that would make it more funny. we do have to have to let politicians to the table, and politics, but we don't have to let personal beliefs impact working for the people. aye? i dont know about that, because its my beliefs that make me want to work for the people. hmmm. i dont want the church to guide the state, in any way. doesnt work. I would prefer that those who are governing would keep in mind they dont work for themselves, they work for the people. ok im done. homework now!
holy crap! now check this out:
http://www.christiancentury.org/
its dinosaur week!! how fantastic!!!
Monday, February 18, 2008
i suck at this...
well, i suck at this. being sick, i haven't really left the house all that much and i still manage to over my spending limits. not on food, but on stuff. i had to buy books, glasses, medication and some other stuff that i apparently couldn't resist. ugh. I so badly need to be in a world of simple living, where having more stuff doesn't make life easier. I don't think i ever realized how much all of this effects all the parts of our lives. i want to be somewhere i just get up and put on clothes in the morning and go about my business. i don't want to worry what i look like, what other people are thinking about what i am wearing and how i look in it. i want to have to have a thousand pairs of shoes, ten hundred shirts and like eleventy billion other kinds of things so i can be trendy. i dont.
BUT then i go into the mall and all of a sudden im a fashion expert and im wanting to purchase everything i see. sure i like to look nice, i dont mind wearing clothes that make my body look nice, but i dont want it to run my life. i so frustrated with myself. ugh. things keep happening.
BUT then i go into the mall and all of a sudden im a fashion expert and im wanting to purchase everything i see. sure i like to look nice, i dont mind wearing clothes that make my body look nice, but i dont want it to run my life. i so frustrated with myself. ugh. things keep happening.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
yep...
I am always astounded by the uncreativity involved in the titles of my blogs... Seeing as how they are few and far between, you would think I could come up with something a little better. I am still stuck on all this financial stuff. Obviously I am still appalled with my own spending practices. I have been chronicling every expenditure that I have made since January started, because the simple living dude made me understand that I am living the ridiculous, hypocritical life of a typical American Christian. I can talk until i am blue in the face about poverty, hunger, food deserts in the city, classism, oppression of the poor and the next moment spend 5 dollars on coffee and 50 dollars on nothing at target. The thing is that having more stuff isnt helping anyone. The desire for more things really is just perpetuating a system that depletes the world or resources so a bunch of things can pile up in my house then they can go sit in a dump somewhere polluting the world we attempt to live in. We are like locusts. I am completely disgusted that the government is now trying to jump-start the economy by giving everyone money and encouraging us to spend it on things we probably don't need. Well, I'm going to damn the man and pay off my credit card with it. woo! Why don't they find another way to make things work? Why are we cloning animals to eat? Why not instead encourage better eating habits so we don't need the excess? I guess I, because I am American, deserve everything i want at the moment, and in large quantities.
I am also astounded at how everything costs money. I forget because I guess I have been programed to get my credit card out and swipe it. Maybe I am even addicted to the habit! the doctor costs money, insurance costs, the phone costs, the internet, coffee to sit in the cafe and have internet costs money, groceries cost money, hanging out with friends inevitably leads to spending money, eating out is ridiculous these days, getting sick costs, staying healthy costs, school costs money, books, pens, pencils, paper, pictures, drawing, art, gas, car repairs... what is free? I went over my 50 dollars a week with a doctor's visit. Is that ok? Kt says its find because I have to get better for school, but if I really only had the 50 bucks, I would not have had the money for the doctor and would have been screwed. So now I just feel guilty. Luckily we have had snow days so I haven't even been tempted except for buying books, because I had to. Honestly, I haven't even been tempted to leave my apartment feeling this way, so whatever its all good. I start over tomorrow so, maybe it will go better.
I just get so frustrated with so many things in the world I live in. I hope i survive my simple living experiment. Well, more than survive, I hope I am changed by it. More later.
I am also astounded at how everything costs money. I forget because I guess I have been programed to get my credit card out and swipe it. Maybe I am even addicted to the habit! the doctor costs money, insurance costs, the phone costs, the internet, coffee to sit in the cafe and have internet costs money, groceries cost money, hanging out with friends inevitably leads to spending money, eating out is ridiculous these days, getting sick costs, staying healthy costs, school costs money, books, pens, pencils, paper, pictures, drawing, art, gas, car repairs... what is free? I went over my 50 dollars a week with a doctor's visit. Is that ok? Kt says its find because I have to get better for school, but if I really only had the 50 bucks, I would not have had the money for the doctor and would have been screwed. So now I just feel guilty. Luckily we have had snow days so I haven't even been tempted except for buying books, because I had to. Honestly, I haven't even been tempted to leave my apartment feeling this way, so whatever its all good. I start over tomorrow so, maybe it will go better.
I just get so frustrated with so many things in the world I live in. I hope i survive my simple living experiment. Well, more than survive, I hope I am changed by it. More later.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Just American I Guess
I have gotten like 4 Lenten devotionals in the mail so far and I find this a bit frustrating. Am I really going to read these? No, I dont even have time to do all my reading for school. Why did someone send me this? Were they that concerned that I would need help reflecting during this period? Lets face it, probably. I do need help focusing all the time, particularly during lent. It seems that when I have to think about giving up something, or doing something extra, then I just want to do it less.
This year for lent i am going to start doing more of these reflections (time permitting, I'm taking an ass-ton of hours this semester) on my Lenten practice. Last year i started riding my bike everywhere, which is fabulous. I start that again tomorrow. Cold or not, I need to keep that up. Just giving it up makes me feel crappy because I like riding the bike and I typically feel guilty for driving around town. This year, in an attempt to further my understanding and actually practice simple living, I am going to try and only spend 50 dollars a week on stuff and 50 dollars a week on food. Having this allergy to wheat makes 50 dollars a week for food a hazard because I cant compromise on the cheap stuff if it has a wheat protein in it anywhere.
So far it hasnt been bad because I just havent been anywhere or in a crunch. Grocery shopping is going to be a challenge because I am going to have to plan my meals out pretty well before I go, so that I wont be tempted to buy things i don't need. I feel a little weird needing to experience simple living though, because I am doing it by choice. Other people that I would like to be in solidarity with are not choosing, they are just existing. I guess I feel a little fake, but at least now I might have a more clear understanding of what it is like for some people everyday, not just 40 days of a year.
So I have always been obnoxious in stores, ask my mom. I have no idea how it got programed into me, well i guess i have some idea. But when I would, and now do, walk around places like walmart (sorry) and target I pretty much want everything I see. I don't know why, but I also like to point this out to the people i am with (normally my mother). I may not actually have any intention of purchasing an item, but I still want it. Today it bothered me in the store that i felt that way. I went there to get pens, so i could write things down in my apt, because i had no pens for some reason, and i ended up in the craft section, the video section, the curtains section, the underpants section and the clothes section. What is my deal?! Its like a rush, looking around at all those things, it was like an adrenalin rush, because I am always get so tired about an hour into shopping... must be the adrenalin wearing off. I could have justified buying any of that stuff if I didnt have this spending limit. it makes me mad that i think this way and i think part of it is because its the American way. individualism and materialism. It is so frustrating that I have been impacted so deeply by these two "ism's." I wonder how i will pull myself out of it? I think my lent thing will for sure help me break the cycle of senseless impulse purchases.
I think part of it also comes from the fact that I always have the cushion of support that is my parents, should i mess up too badly on any front. That is wonderful, but I guess knowing that i'm tight rope walking with a net causes me not to be as careful as i would be otherwise.
It must (well i know it is, ive been there a little i guess) be SO frustrating to walk around in stores and know that you cannot buy any of these things even if you wanted to. I mean giving gifts is impossible, tithing is impossible, even eating is sometime difficult. You cant eat organic, you cant have natural food products, you cant even avoid transfat, but when do you have time to do the research to find out what you should and shouldnt be eating if you are working all the time to pay rent, bills, for gas and then have 50 dollars left over to spend. ugh.
Ill keep thinking, we will see. Simple living seems to be the way to go, especially if after just a few days i am completely disgusted with whatever fever i seem to catch when i get into these huge box stores. I certainly dont want to be elitest about what ive decided to do, or to be all in peoples faces about it, but I feel almost called to this experience. i dont know how this will work out, but we will see.
This year for lent i am going to start doing more of these reflections (time permitting, I'm taking an ass-ton of hours this semester) on my Lenten practice. Last year i started riding my bike everywhere, which is fabulous. I start that again tomorrow. Cold or not, I need to keep that up. Just giving it up makes me feel crappy because I like riding the bike and I typically feel guilty for driving around town. This year, in an attempt to further my understanding and actually practice simple living, I am going to try and only spend 50 dollars a week on stuff and 50 dollars a week on food. Having this allergy to wheat makes 50 dollars a week for food a hazard because I cant compromise on the cheap stuff if it has a wheat protein in it anywhere.
So far it hasnt been bad because I just havent been anywhere or in a crunch. Grocery shopping is going to be a challenge because I am going to have to plan my meals out pretty well before I go, so that I wont be tempted to buy things i don't need. I feel a little weird needing to experience simple living though, because I am doing it by choice. Other people that I would like to be in solidarity with are not choosing, they are just existing. I guess I feel a little fake, but at least now I might have a more clear understanding of what it is like for some people everyday, not just 40 days of a year.
So I have always been obnoxious in stores, ask my mom. I have no idea how it got programed into me, well i guess i have some idea. But when I would, and now do, walk around places like walmart (sorry) and target I pretty much want everything I see. I don't know why, but I also like to point this out to the people i am with (normally my mother). I may not actually have any intention of purchasing an item, but I still want it. Today it bothered me in the store that i felt that way. I went there to get pens, so i could write things down in my apt, because i had no pens for some reason, and i ended up in the craft section, the video section, the curtains section, the underpants section and the clothes section. What is my deal?! Its like a rush, looking around at all those things, it was like an adrenalin rush, because I am always get so tired about an hour into shopping... must be the adrenalin wearing off. I could have justified buying any of that stuff if I didnt have this spending limit. it makes me mad that i think this way and i think part of it is because its the American way. individualism and materialism. It is so frustrating that I have been impacted so deeply by these two "ism's." I wonder how i will pull myself out of it? I think my lent thing will for sure help me break the cycle of senseless impulse purchases.
I think part of it also comes from the fact that I always have the cushion of support that is my parents, should i mess up too badly on any front. That is wonderful, but I guess knowing that i'm tight rope walking with a net causes me not to be as careful as i would be otherwise.
It must (well i know it is, ive been there a little i guess) be SO frustrating to walk around in stores and know that you cannot buy any of these things even if you wanted to. I mean giving gifts is impossible, tithing is impossible, even eating is sometime difficult. You cant eat organic, you cant have natural food products, you cant even avoid transfat, but when do you have time to do the research to find out what you should and shouldnt be eating if you are working all the time to pay rent, bills, for gas and then have 50 dollars left over to spend. ugh.
Ill keep thinking, we will see. Simple living seems to be the way to go, especially if after just a few days i am completely disgusted with whatever fever i seem to catch when i get into these huge box stores. I certainly dont want to be elitest about what ive decided to do, or to be all in peoples faces about it, but I feel almost called to this experience. i dont know how this will work out, but we will see.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
incident at bellarmine
So its lame to post something i did for school, but whatever... deal with it!
Background: This is my second year as an intern at
Description: I am going to give the website for the Courier Journal article on what happened in addition to my own description (http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2007711071070). At
Analysis and Evaluation: The main thing to report here is that since I first read about what happened I have been completely resistant to blame the student for her actions. I have been defending her throughout because I can empathize with her situation. I am sure she was scared, confused and in denial at first. I cannot imagine what loathing something inside of you would do to a person after a time. Just look at super villains. I could not believe, and still can’t, believe how her reputation was dragged through the sewers both verbally and on facebook. It was odd to think that facebook was something we needed to worry about, but the first action we needed to get done was to delete her facebook.
There are 1,500,000 sperm and one egg, so someone else contributed to the situation. She didn’t give herself a reputation; no one said anything about the young men (there were 2 by the way) who had sex with the student. No one said anything about the people who were slandering her either. I found myself extremely defensive to males especially because they seemed insensitive to her situation. I absolutely could not believe the way the press covered the situation either. They were like vultures, lurking on the edges – waiting for a student to say more than they were supposed to. It really puts you out of sorts, kind of hyper-defensive I guess. Luckily, the press were not allowed on the private campus, but they swarmed around on the boarders of campus. The paper called the student a young mother and a murderer and I don’t think those are fair labels yet. She did kill her child, but shouldn’t she be innocent until proven guilty in the press. Most recently the courier journal reported her as a mother who murdered her child, and that is not unbiased reporting. I don’t think that having a baby makes you into a mother automatically, you have given birth to a baby, but you don’t automatically get the skill and aren’t ready for the mold you are expected to conform to as a “mother” in our society. I mean she was 19, she was a scared child herself, obviously.
Also, on the courier journal site there is a place for readers to respond to articles and the things people were writing just wounded my soul. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I feel like maybe Christians should have more compassionate opinions. I believe Jesus would have given this student a hug and had a conversation with her. We are not allowed to contact her either right now and as a part of the campus ministry office I think we should be. I agree that she needs to be held accountable for her actions; I also don’t think she deserves a chance to explain them, and to be forgiven. Redemption is a part of Christianity as well isn’t it? She also needs a chance to get some help and to figure out who she is in this instead of dodging stones for the rest of her life.
My supervisor agreed with me that a male perspective of a situation dealing with issues related to women, pregnancy and childbirth to be more black and white than the perspective of someone who could potentially host another being inside of them for about 9 months or so. That was a relief because I was starting to think I was the only one confused by their reactions. I cannot imagine being in her situation and having nowhere to turn. I would be terrified, but I am lucky to have a solid network of friends and family whom I know would help me through. I also have the great privilege of knowing my options, knowing where to go to get help. But not everyone knows that most clinics actual purpose is to inform people about their reproductive rights works on a sliding scale and is anonymous.
I finally came to the realization the affidavit came out that she might have planned this, though I wonder at what point she began to wonder what would happen when she went into labor. It also made me think differently about the movie Saved. What was that girl going to do if her friends hadn’t discovered her pregnancy?
The reactions at Bellarmine have been many and various since it happened. The captain of the golf team has been suicidal, a lot of this students friends have been suffering with guilt and from not knowing what’s happening because the school has not been exactly open. I believe the two suitemates came back and moved into a different room, I don’t know if the room mate came back. I can’t imagine being the parents having to move the students stuff out of the dorm, because she is suspended from Bellarmine because she is charged with a federal crime. The first part of the grief cycle is anger, confusion and denial and that has been apparent in the staff and students throughout the last few weeks. I have noticed it in me too. There were a few arguments and unfair actions by the Student Affairs office towards the Campus Minister that was just ridiculous and probably partially the result of residual anger. We did prayer services and offered counseling but those are ethereal/abstract and I feel strongly that we need to do something lasting and concrete as a reaction to and a way of healing from what happened. It would be something for the whole community, something that would last. People need to know that this isn’t going away and that we aren’t sweeping it under the carpet. I think a prayer wall, or a wall of lament would be a sweet gift, maybe when I get some time I will work on that.
Theological Reflection: This whole situation made me think a lot about how Jesus acted. I work for a Christian institution and I attend a Christian institution and I don’t understand why we haven’t done a better job reaching out to each other for help and for aid. We are connected through the Spirit and belief in Jesus Christ. Courier journal readers have condemned Katie already, as would a society that is obsessed with CSI, Law and Order and News programs that only report the bad news. If Jesus were here I believe he would stand up for Katie and remind everyone to examine the log in their own eye and rethink if they have the right to cast the first stone. I also think Jesus would be appalled at our inaction. Some things you just can’t plan for, but you can learn from and this is one of those things.
Reflection on a funeral
I work at
Last Tuesday, September 11th was a particularly interesting funeral experience for me. It was interesting because it was moving, a nerving and enraging at the same time. I never really know how to act at these things because I am the Presbyterian intern with a catholic group and because i just haven't been to a lot of funerals (thank god). First of all it was September 11, and even in a liberal like me that stirs up all sorts of feelings and the General Patrais shit had just hit the fan. It was seriously a gross2 day outside - which means it was cool and windy enough to need a sweater, misting a little and ominously overcast. On the trip from the bell to the cemetery we chatted and prepared to do a prayer service. As we pulled into the long skinny drive of the cemetery the yellow bulldozer resting temporarily like a tired dinosaur up to its ass in the brown mud that someone would be laid to rest in later that day. The sky seemed to get grayer as the reality of our task sunk in, surrounded by sinister gray mounds of coal punctuated with menacing clusters of smoke stacks vomiting gray smoke into the sky and power lines slicing the horizon.
Normally when we arrive the only live people present are the deputy corner and his assistant, occasionally there is a pastor, family member, ministry or case worker, but generally not. On this bleary Tuesday there were nearly 20 people there. They were ministry workers, hospice workers, emergency workers and pastors who had been a part of Ralph’s later life. It was clear just from the gathering that this man had touched a lot of peoples lives. Those who had gathered to honor Ralph had prepared a service, so all we from Bellarmine were asked to serve as pallbearers. I have never seen a dead person at all much less carried one from a hearse to the little porch where he would be honored and then to the graveside for some more prayers and farewell. I was moved that we would be allowed to participate in this way. I always thought that choosing the people who would carry your casket would be sort of like picking your wedding party or your top 8 on spacebook… I have no idea why I rationalized like this, I would imagine that I merely had no perspective at all before this point. I guess more things in life than you can imagine are completely unpredictable. I carried the body of a man inside a casket (not by myself, I had help). It felt so weird, so final and so real all at once. Honestly, that might be the only real part of life left, you will die.
The memorial service for Ralph was deeply touching for those who knew him I could tell. The group, which was mostly women, had put together a wonderful service. The pastor read some prayers and spoke briefly about passing. We all sang a version of amazing grace I had never heard before, but sounded very nice on the CD player. One of the women from hospice had written a poem brought tears to the eyes of everyone present (even me…) with the final line "i will get you a ham sandwich because I know you are allergic to turkey..." He was beloved to some people. They said he had good days and bad days, but to me it seems the good outnumbered or were more potent than the bad for once. I swear God smiles at moments like that. I could feel the spirit moving among these women, I could almost see how the spirit had strung them all together over the last few years of Ralphs life.
Then they opened up the floor to anyone else who would like to share. There was a short pause and the man standing beside me signed and stepped forward. I hadn’t really noticed much about him besides that he was totally disinterested in sharing the song sheet I was holding. He was holding a purple flower (I am not good with flowers) and a sheet of paper. He took three brisk steps to the coffin and haplessly tossed the flower and paper he had been holding on the coffin (like it was a coffee table or something) and put his hands into his pockets and looked at us. He said that he was from lost sheep ministries. He had been friends with Ralph for the last 5 years. He told us how Ralph had cancer and how Ralph would never let him find him somewhere to stay or get help. He said that Ralph probably knew God because Ralph had asked this fellow to pray for him 5 days before he died. While this man could have gone on to tell stories about Ralph what he wanted to say was that he wasn’t sure he would see Ralph in heaven. It seems that Ralph did not live his life in the manner in which Jesus would have preferred and that meant he probably didn’t make it through the pearly gates. However, he says as he takes his hands out of his pockets and motions to the coffin, we should all take this opportunity to examine our own lives and make sure that we are living for Jesus.
So at this point he was pretty much done because I had totally quit listening. I MUST quit reacting this way to people, but I feel strongly that this man was totally out of line. So I was imagining myself turning into a WWF wrestler (probably Hulk Hogan) and breaking chairs on this mans head. He deserved it. I didn’t have to make any crazy wrestling moves though because the woman who had written the poem stepped forward and said that she did not believe that because Ralph was an angel to her. The Coroner then directed us all to the bulldozed area and the giant gaping hole in the ground. They drove the coffin the 40 yards away from the little carport and we took Ralph out of the car one last time and laid him next to the big yellow dinosaur that would plant him in the earth moments later. They are not legally allowed to bury the bodies while we are there, so we said some brief prayers and then went on our way. I just cant believe that is all there is. It is so anticlimactic.
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