confusion

i want that trinity symbol tattooed on my arm...



additionally, i would like this cross on my calf
these are paintings by some dude... Paul Myhill. should i ask him if i can get his paintings tattooed on my body? i dunno. hopefully that doesnt count as plagiarism? i dunno...

Main Entry: con·fu·sion
Pronunciation: k&n-'fyü-zh&n
Function: noun
: disturbance of consciousness characterized by inability to engage in orderly thought or by lack of power to distinguish, choose, or act decisively —con·fu·sion·al /-zhn&l, -zh&n-&l/ adjective

Confusion is always the most honest response.
Marty Indik

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.
Larry Leissner

for real, im feelin pretty transparent today...


so its pretty fun how on dictionary.com you can pick the definition that you want... make words mean what you want them too. its super. i am confused though, and tired. i think most of the confusion is a direct result of the tired. whatever, i got some coffee, which burned my mouth a lot. i think all the good luck i was previously experiencing is fading out. maybe i gave it to some one who needs it more than me. maybe i just started sucking really bad all of a sudden. who knows?

since no one reads this, i feel like its going ot be ok to type out my thoughts and confusion on here a little. whatever, i can delete the post if it becomes a problem. i am a creature of habit, i think that everyone who knows me understands that. i settle into my routine when i get my schedule each month and get completely and utterly thrown off when my stinkin pattern of existance gets altered in some way. im not like OCD or anything, just not as spontaneous as i may have previously imagined.
*i deeply wish that people wouldnt talk while i am in a coffee shop trying to think... god im a jackass... i do that all the Fing time*
im really not feeling pitiful in any way right now, not down or anything silly like that, which is weird because i generally get a pretty good case of the springtime blues. all this stuff is up in the air and its driving me NUTS. i like to have a few balls in the air, you know, keep my options open or whatever, but theres too much. at least i got into school, so theres that. i am going to louisville, its just a question of when as far as that goes, i guess. woo hoo. i have to find a job up there, im not real sure if i shouldnt just move up there and look for one once i get there. but i am REALLY scared to do that by myself. im torn between staying here for the summer and going there now to work. I dont know what kind of financial aid im going to get, so i dont know what i need to raise. i have to do all these stupid essays for these grant applications and describe myself as a person... etc etc... so maybe im being thrown back down that existential black hole again. well at least part of me is. i know what i want to do, just not how to do it. i really do feel called to this vocation. so whatever, at least thats settled.
i hate my job at the YWCA. its just so over i think. ive got like senioritis or something. i LOVE the people i work with, its just such a dead end situation. i feel like i went through such a rough patch with them, and helped them out and nothing will come of it. nothing but more stupid stupid work. i am pretty tired i think i need a nap.
plus on top of all these ridiculous feelings swirling around in there, ive got more.

i just like to make my own life harder. grrr. so you really cant even discuss whats up because
who needs all this crap... lets sing that big country song

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered"

or Citizen Cope
"Sideways"

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away



i need to get them outside my head, so i can feel what im gut is telling me to do without my stupid brain getting involved. ive been trying to put all this in the god box, and let it marinate there, just trust that everything will work out, but im really sucking at doing that right now.
i know i could just go by myself to louisville and work it all out, but it wouldnt be as fun or interesting or happy with out at least one person to share it with.
ugh. i feel better a little right now.
am i crazy? i feel pretty normal. ive always been a little neurotic. we all know thats the truth.

more citizen cope (im like addicted)

"My Way Home"

Sometimes I miss a step
I stumble here and there
I'm findin' my way home
If I'm lost then I'll admit
Sometimes i plain forget
I'm findin' my way home
You can try and stand in my way
You can say what you're gonna say
But I'm finding my way home