New Art

Photos from the newest project for my senior seminar project!
i couldnt have done it without my dad, carriebell, rachel morris and my baby sister!!!
woot!
they arent edited yet... so not complete. but they will be soon!

sooo... uhhh... yeaaa...

so i need to blog aye?
i mean it needs to happen. i have no fans, buts fun, lets face it... and BETTER THAN FACEBOOK. WOO.
ok... i will write one in the next 3 days!

postsecret.

so i love postsecret, its become a spiritual practice for me to start obsessively checking every 20 minutes on Saturday night to see if the new ones have been posted yet. but in discussing this phenomenon with other people i have become a little concerned about the popularity of the postsecrets. Why is it so popular i ask? As i read them each week I wonder why these things are secret and i wonder what these secrets say about the things we actually value. I would say the root of most of them is an inability or the desire not to make yourself vulnerable. Things you couldnt tell your partner, things that would expose you as different from the impossibly odd standards society has laid upon us, expressions of thoughts that might condemn you or even change you by simply saying them out loud. Do i read these each week because i identify with the plight of these people, trapped inside my own sense of decency, unable to put myself out there enough to even stand next to someone at the grocery store.
Do we all live lives of secrets? If our society works because we keep things from each other what does that say about us? We might all be living a lie. How have we been made to feel so bad about ourselves that we cant even share our thoughts without worrying about being attacked for them, or for just being effected by feelings. Has capitalization bullied us into thinking that we actually dont have enough, dont look good enough, dont have someone, arent thin enough, arent muscled enough, arent happy enough, arent smart enough, dont matter enough unless we have all this stuff...etc... I think we may have been more effected by all of these things than we think. I mean just look at what has become of christmas over the last 50 years.
how does all this impact our faith. I have to dress a certian way to be a christian, be branded if you will. How can i be saved enough, happy enough, have enough christian art, the right bumper stickers and all that...? Just trying to be all that is exhausting. God made humans not clones. why all the secrets? what made some things ok to talk about and other things not.
secrets destroy communities. The one i am in here at school is still suffering from the aftermath of secrets. Its not fun because everyone is so suspicious of each other, the class above me particularly suffered i think. its horrible. its like everyone things the other guy has a gun in his pocket. why are we fascinated with these secrets. what are these secrets doing to America and how can we start truth telling again? Theres more power in truth than there is in cohesion or secrets. ask Martian Luther King, Thomas Merton or the womens rights activists. people respond to truth, but we have gotten so cynical that we might not even believe it. we need Jeremiah, Micah, Amos, Isaiah, Elijah, Elisha to come and get us to listen or at least work at it. now it feels like all the sides are sitting in a different rooms of a corporate high rise congratulating each other on the great job we are doing ignoring the fact that the building is on fire.
dunno what to do about that, or how i got here from postsecrets, but it is what it is. how can i start this honesty movement. transparency of communication. illumination of the people.

do it

http://www.dothetest.co.uk/

A cat poster

This is AWESOME!!!

some things...

I felt like I MUST share this comic with as many people as possible. I am not entirely sure its legal for me to post it, but i did - so whatever. this comic sometimes absolutely rules. Like many others, sometimes it doesnt. I am also going to put my favorite postsecret so far on here. it was perfect because it was on just as I started class on Sexuality and Pastoral care and was in a relationship that made me wish it was appropriate for me to print this out and hand it to those of the appropriate gender... Its just not that hard, and I have never understood why we are so afraid of our bodies, of each others bodies and why we cant be comfortable with sexuality. You would think that since American culture has sexualized absolutely everything that we would be a little more comfortable with it. Instead, we cant just have regular relationships because EVERYTHING is sexual. It stinks, makes life awkward and
boring because there is no mystery when you know whats coming every time. Its just weird how we do. We cant touch without wondering what was behind it, men cant sit directly next to each other, hugs can be considered overstepping your boundaries. In Brazil everyone gives a hug and two kisses every time they see you. It was great. If you need 10 touches a day to be human, then Americans are robots. I am getting off the soap box now, but one last thing. I just think its sad that you have to second guess why you would put your arm around someone to comfort them. ya know?
I mean, who ever made this one was a genius. It think its fantastic. I guess its gonna be picture sharing time. I have another one i really like. I stole it from the Rethinking Youth Ministry blog. Its just wonderful, I LOVE the image of the leaning rusty broken cross. I think it speaks to what has happened to Christianity when we domesticated it.
Its towering, still visible, but decaying and hollow and i question whether there is still life to it. When i look at this picture I wonder if it used to light up at night and if it still does - because that would give leave a glimmer of hope to me. I got one more, then i HAVE TO DO HOMEWORK - which lets face it is lame. well its not lame, i have to learn how to preach. HAVE TO. so i guess its good homework. here is a picture i took at the beach in Mississippi on the Highland Pres mission trip this summer. That was such a good trip for me. I love mission work, anywhere. This is what was left of the Pier after Katrina, 2 years later. I have no idea what that sheet on it is, but it sure looks like a ghost or something. so... i lied and there are a few more pictures that need on here. I took these on the snow day. I dont know what was up with my camera but it took these amazing pictures. The one to the right is the first one. IT IS CRAZY. thats a tree outside out library. the tree is dead. they have been having all these arguments on campus about what to do with it, because it might fall over or whatever. A tornado came through a few weeks ago and other HUGE LIVE trees fell on campus, and that one was completely fine. The next picture is also a little out there. I didn't edit these at all or anything. they just came out of camera land like this. What is going on here? Your guess is as good as mine. homework time!!

dinosaurs r us

umm. this is the most hysterical thing i have seen all day. well, in a long time anyways. JESUS WITH A T-REX!!!!
HOLY CRAP! made my day! I wonder if "all are welcome at the table" includes dinosaurs? maybe just the plant eaters? I mean, I wouldn't want to get eaten by a valosa raptor or a pterodactyl while gathered around the lords table. but who knows, Jesus could and should love dinosaurs. and honestly, i hope its a real advertisement, because that would make it more funny. we do have to have to let politicians to the table, and politics, but we don't have to let personal beliefs impact working for the people. aye? i dont know about that, because its my beliefs that make me want to work for the people. hmmm. i dont want the church to guide the state, in any way. doesnt work. I would prefer that those who are governing would keep in mind they dont work for themselves, they work for the people. ok im done. homework now!


holy crap! now check this out:
http://www.christiancentury.org/

its dinosaur week!! how fantastic!!!

i suck at this...

well, i suck at this. being sick, i haven't really left the house all that much and i still manage to over my spending limits. not on food, but on stuff. i had to buy books, glasses, medication and some other stuff that i apparently couldn't resist. ugh. I so badly need to be in a world of simple living, where having more stuff doesn't make life easier. I don't think i ever realized how much all of this effects all the parts of our lives. i want to be somewhere i just get up and put on clothes in the morning and go about my business. i don't want to worry what i look like, what other people are thinking about what i am wearing and how i look in it. i want to have to have a thousand pairs of shoes, ten hundred shirts and like eleventy billion other kinds of things so i can be trendy. i dont.
BUT then i go into the mall and all of a sudden im a fashion expert and im wanting to purchase everything i see. sure i like to look nice, i dont mind wearing clothes that make my body look nice, but i dont want it to run my life. i so frustrated with myself. ugh. things keep happening.

yep...

I am always astounded by the uncreativity involved in the titles of my blogs... Seeing as how they are few and far between, you would think I could come up with something a little better. I am still stuck on all this financial stuff. Obviously I am still appalled with my own spending practices. I have been chronicling every expenditure that I have made since January started, because the simple living dude made me understand that I am living the ridiculous, hypocritical life of a typical American Christian. I can talk until i am blue in the face about poverty, hunger, food deserts in the city, classism, oppression of the poor and the next moment spend 5 dollars on coffee and 50 dollars on nothing at target. The thing is that having more stuff isnt helping anyone. The desire for more things really is just perpetuating a system that depletes the world or resources so a bunch of things can pile up in my house then they can go sit in a dump somewhere polluting the world we attempt to live in. We are like locusts. I am completely disgusted that the government is now trying to jump-start the economy by giving everyone money and encouraging us to spend it on things we probably don't need. Well, I'm going to damn the man and pay off my credit card with it. woo! Why don't they find another way to make things work? Why are we cloning animals to eat? Why not instead encourage better eating habits so we don't need the excess? I guess I, because I am American, deserve everything i want at the moment, and in large quantities.
I am also astounded at how everything costs money. I forget because I guess I have been programed to get my credit card out and swipe it. Maybe I am even addicted to the habit! the doctor costs money, insurance costs, the phone costs, the internet, coffee to sit in the cafe and have internet costs money, groceries cost money, hanging out with friends inevitably leads to spending money, eating out is ridiculous these days, getting sick costs, staying healthy costs, school costs money, books, pens, pencils, paper, pictures, drawing, art, gas, car repairs... what is free? I went over my 50 dollars a week with a doctor's visit. Is that ok? Kt says its find because I have to get better for school, but if I really only had the 50 bucks, I would not have had the money for the doctor and would have been screwed. So now I just feel guilty. Luckily we have had snow days so I haven't even been tempted except for buying books, because I had to. Honestly, I haven't even been tempted to leave my apartment feeling this way, so whatever its all good. I start over tomorrow so, maybe it will go better.
I just get so frustrated with so many things in the world I live in. I hope i survive my simple living experiment. Well, more than survive, I hope I am changed by it. More later.

Just American I Guess

I have gotten like 4 Lenten devotionals in the mail so far and I find this a bit frustrating. Am I really going to read these? No, I dont even have time to do all my reading for school. Why did someone send me this? Were they that concerned that I would need help reflecting during this period? Lets face it, probably. I do need help focusing all the time, particularly during lent. It seems that when I have to think about giving up something, or doing something extra, then I just want to do it less.
This year for lent i am going to start doing more of these reflections (time permitting, I'm taking an ass-ton of hours this semester) on my Lenten practice. Last year i started riding my bike everywhere, which is fabulous. I start that again tomorrow. Cold or not, I need to keep that up. Just giving it up makes me feel crappy because I like riding the bike and I typically feel guilty for driving around town. This year, in an attempt to further my understanding and actually practice simple living, I am going to try and only spend 50 dollars a week on stuff and 50 dollars a week on food. Having this allergy to wheat makes 50 dollars a week for food a hazard because I cant compromise on the cheap stuff if it has a wheat protein in it anywhere.
So far it hasnt been bad because I just havent been anywhere or in a crunch. Grocery shopping is going to be a challenge because I am going to have to plan my meals out pretty well before I go, so that I wont be tempted to buy things i don't need. I feel a little weird needing to experience simple living though, because I am doing it by choice. Other people that I would like to be in solidarity with are not choosing, they are just existing. I guess I feel a little fake, but at least now I might have a more clear understanding of what it is like for some people everyday, not just 40 days of a year.
So I have always been obnoxious in stores, ask my mom. I have no idea how it got programed into me, well i guess i have some idea. But when I would, and now do, walk around places like walmart (sorry) and target I pretty much want everything I see. I don't know why, but I also like to point this out to the people i am with (normally my mother). I may not actually have any intention of purchasing an item, but I still want it. Today it bothered me in the store that i felt that way. I went there to get pens, so i could write things down in my apt, because i had no pens for some reason, and i ended up in the craft section, the video section, the curtains section, the underpants section and the clothes section. What is my deal?! Its like a rush, looking around at all those things, it was like an adrenalin rush, because I am always get so tired about an hour into shopping... must be the adrenalin wearing off. I could have justified buying any of that stuff if I didnt have this spending limit. it makes me mad that i think this way and i think part of it is because its the American way. individualism and materialism. It is so frustrating that I have been impacted so deeply by these two "ism's." I wonder how i will pull myself out of it? I think my lent thing will for sure help me break the cycle of senseless impulse purchases.
I think part of it also comes from the fact that I always have the cushion of support that is my parents, should i mess up too badly on any front. That is wonderful, but I guess knowing that i'm tight rope walking with a net causes me not to be as careful as i would be otherwise.
It must (well i know it is, ive been there a little i guess) be SO frustrating to walk around in stores and know that you cannot buy any of these things even if you wanted to. I mean giving gifts is impossible, tithing is impossible, even eating is sometime difficult. You cant eat organic, you cant have natural food products, you cant even avoid transfat, but when do you have time to do the research to find out what you should and shouldnt be eating if you are working all the time to pay rent, bills, for gas and then have 50 dollars left over to spend. ugh.
Ill keep thinking, we will see. Simple living seems to be the way to go, especially if after just a few days i am completely disgusted with whatever fever i seem to catch when i get into these huge box stores. I certainly dont want to be elitest about what ive decided to do, or to be all in peoples faces about it, but I feel almost called to this experience. i dont know how this will work out, but we will see.

incident at bellarmine

So its lame to post something i did for school, but whatever... deal with it!

Background: This is my second year as an intern at Bellarmine University. Last year I worked in the Student Affairs office with a different supervisor and this year I am with in the Campus Ministry Office. My duties generally include answering the phone at the desk in the office, hanging out with students, attending events, helping play and execute the protestant service on Wednesdays. I am in the office pretty regularly Tuesday – Thursday and for some retreats.

Description: I am going to give the website for the Courier Journal article on what happened in addition to my own description (http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2007711071070). At Bellarmine University in Anniversary Hall (a residence hall for sophomores and up) on the second floor a young woman gave birth to a baby in her suite bathroom and let the baby girl “slide into the toilet.” She then asked her room mate for a trash bag, put the baby into it and took the bag about 40 feet down the hall to the trash room. Her room mate followed her down the hall, found the newborn in the garbage and called the police. First responders, ambulances and police cars then arrived at the dorms at approximately 1:00 am and stayed until around 6 am in the morning. The student was taken immediately to the hospital and the baby was pronounced dead at 1:05 and taken to the coroner. I did not find out until Wednesday morning at about 9 am when I checked my email. I packed up and went immediately to the BU campus ministry office. I was in the office and at school all day. I worked about 30 hours wed to Friday. My coworkers and I worked all day putting together a liturgy for a worship service that night. After the service there was a school wide meeting that about 20 students attended with the Student Affairs Dept, the Campus Ministry staff and the Counseling Staff. The school has sent out a few campus emails about the event since it happened, but not much information has been provided to the students. There has been a lot of anger on campus since the event that surfaces in different ways in each person. What happened impacted everyone in the Bellarmine community, staff included. My own inability to name what happened is a solid example of its impact on me.

Analysis and Evaluation: The main thing to report here is that since I first read about what happened I have been completely resistant to blame the student for her actions. I have been defending her throughout because I can empathize with her situation. I am sure she was scared, confused and in denial at first. I cannot imagine what loathing something inside of you would do to a person after a time. Just look at super villains. I could not believe, and still can’t, believe how her reputation was dragged through the sewers both verbally and on facebook. It was odd to think that facebook was something we needed to worry about, but the first action we needed to get done was to delete her facebook.

There are 1,500,000 sperm and one egg, so someone else contributed to the situation. She didn’t give herself a reputation; no one said anything about the young men (there were 2 by the way) who had sex with the student. No one said anything about the people who were slandering her either. I found myself extremely defensive to males especially because they seemed insensitive to her situation. I absolutely could not believe the way the press covered the situation either. They were like vultures, lurking on the edges – waiting for a student to say more than they were supposed to. It really puts you out of sorts, kind of hyper-defensive I guess. Luckily, the press were not allowed on the private campus, but they swarmed around on the boarders of campus. The paper called the student a young mother and a murderer and I don’t think those are fair labels yet. She did kill her child, but shouldn’t she be innocent until proven guilty in the press. Most recently the courier journal reported her as a mother who murdered her child, and that is not unbiased reporting. I don’t think that having a baby makes you into a mother automatically, you have given birth to a baby, but you don’t automatically get the skill and aren’t ready for the mold you are expected to conform to as a “mother” in our society. I mean she was 19, she was a scared child herself, obviously.

Also, on the courier journal site there is a place for readers to respond to articles and the things people were writing just wounded my soul. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I feel like maybe Christians should have more compassionate opinions. I believe Jesus would have given this student a hug and had a conversation with her. We are not allowed to contact her either right now and as a part of the campus ministry office I think we should be. I agree that she needs to be held accountable for her actions; I also don’t think she deserves a chance to explain them, and to be forgiven. Redemption is a part of Christianity as well isn’t it? She also needs a chance to get some help and to figure out who she is in this instead of dodging stones for the rest of her life.

My supervisor agreed with me that a male perspective of a situation dealing with issues related to women, pregnancy and childbirth to be more black and white than the perspective of someone who could potentially host another being inside of them for about 9 months or so. That was a relief because I was starting to think I was the only one confused by their reactions. I cannot imagine being in her situation and having nowhere to turn. I would be terrified, but I am lucky to have a solid network of friends and family whom I know would help me through. I also have the great privilege of knowing my options, knowing where to go to get help. But not everyone knows that most clinics actual purpose is to inform people about their reproductive rights works on a sliding scale and is anonymous.

I finally came to the realization the affidavit came out that she might have planned this, though I wonder at what point she began to wonder what would happen when she went into labor. It also made me think differently about the movie Saved. What was that girl going to do if her friends hadn’t discovered her pregnancy?

The reactions at Bellarmine have been many and various since it happened. The captain of the golf team has been suicidal, a lot of this students friends have been suffering with guilt and from not knowing what’s happening because the school has not been exactly open. I believe the two suitemates came back and moved into a different room, I don’t know if the room mate came back. I can’t imagine being the parents having to move the students stuff out of the dorm, because she is suspended from Bellarmine because she is charged with a federal crime. The first part of the grief cycle is anger, confusion and denial and that has been apparent in the staff and students throughout the last few weeks. I have noticed it in me too. There were a few arguments and unfair actions by the Student Affairs office towards the Campus Minister that was just ridiculous and probably partially the result of residual anger. We did prayer services and offered counseling but those are ethereal/abstract and I feel strongly that we need to do something lasting and concrete as a reaction to and a way of healing from what happened. It would be something for the whole community, something that would last. People need to know that this isn’t going away and that we aren’t sweeping it under the carpet. I think a prayer wall, or a wall of lament would be a sweet gift, maybe when I get some time I will work on that.

Theological Reflection: This whole situation made me think a lot about how Jesus acted. I work for a Christian institution and I attend a Christian institution and I don’t understand why we haven’t done a better job reaching out to each other for help and for aid. We are connected through the Spirit and belief in Jesus Christ. Courier journal readers have condemned Katie already, as would a society that is obsessed with CSI, Law and Order and News programs that only report the bad news. If Jesus were here I believe he would stand up for Katie and remind everyone to examine the log in their own eye and rethink if they have the right to cast the first stone. I also think Jesus would be appalled at our inaction. Some things you just can’t plan for, but you can learn from and this is one of those things.

Reflection on a funeral

I work at Bellarmine University, through this internship i have been able to participate in some pretty amazing things. One these things are the St. Joseph of Arimathea Society. SJOAS is a program that was started by a group of high schoolers and their teacher because they realized that those who could not afford too, or that had no family were not getting funerals or even being buried with dignity. They started doing prayer services for each funeral and eventually ended up working with other local catholic high schools and eventually the colleges in the area to alternate doing funerals (because there are a LOT of them.

Last Tuesday, September 11th was a particularly interesting funeral experience for me. It was interesting because it was moving, a nerving and enraging at the same time. I never really know how to act at these things because I am the Presbyterian intern with a catholic group and because i just haven't been to a lot of funerals (thank god). First of all it was September 11, and even in a liberal like me that stirs up all sorts of feelings and the General Patrais shit had just hit the fan. It was seriously a gross² day outside - which means it was cool and windy enough to need a sweater, misting a little and ominously overcast. On the trip from the bell to the cemetery we chatted and prepared to do a prayer service. As we pulled into the long skinny drive of the cemetery the yellow bulldozer resting temporarily like a tired dinosaur up to its ass in the brown mud that someone would be laid to rest in later that day. The sky seemed to get grayer as the reality of our task sunk in, surrounded by sinister gray mounds of coal punctuated with menacing clusters of smoke stacks vomiting gray smoke into the sky and power lines slicing the horizon.

Normally when we arrive the only live people present are the deputy corner and his assistant, occasionally there is a pastor, family member, ministry or case worker, but generally not. On this bleary Tuesday there were nearly 20 people there. They were ministry workers, hospice workers, emergency workers and pastors who had been a part of Ralph’s later life. It was clear just from the gathering that this man had touched a lot of peoples lives. Those who had gathered to honor Ralph had prepared a service, so all we from Bellarmine were asked to serve as pallbearers. I have never seen a dead person at all much less carried one from a hearse to the little porch where he would be honored and then to the graveside for some more prayers and farewell. I was moved that we would be allowed to participate in this way. I always thought that choosing the people who would carry your casket would be sort of like picking your wedding party or your top 8 on spacebook… I have no idea why I rationalized like this, I would imagine that I merely had no perspective at all before this point. I guess more things in life than you can imagine are completely unpredictable. I carried the body of a man inside a casket (not by myself, I had help). It felt so weird, so final and so real all at once. Honestly, that might be the only real part of life left, you will die.

The memorial service for Ralph was deeply touching for those who knew him I could tell. The group, which was mostly women, had put together a wonderful service. The pastor read some prayers and spoke briefly about passing. We all sang a version of amazing grace I had never heard before, but sounded very nice on the CD player. One of the women from hospice had written a poem brought tears to the eyes of everyone present (even me…) with the final line "i will get you a ham sandwich because I know you are allergic to turkey..." He was beloved to some people. They said he had good days and bad days, but to me it seems the good outnumbered or were more potent than the bad for once. I swear God smiles at moments like that. I could feel the spirit moving among these women, I could almost see how the spirit had strung them all together over the last few years of Ralphs life.

Then they opened up the floor to anyone else who would like to share. There was a short pause and the man standing beside me signed and stepped forward. I hadn’t really noticed much about him besides that he was totally disinterested in sharing the song sheet I was holding. He was holding a purple flower (I am not good with flowers) and a sheet of paper. He took three brisk steps to the coffin and haplessly tossed the flower and paper he had been holding on the coffin (like it was a coffee table or something) and put his hands into his pockets and looked at us. He said that he was from lost sheep ministries. He had been friends with Ralph for the last 5 years. He told us how Ralph had cancer and how Ralph would never let him find him somewhere to stay or get help. He said that Ralph probably knew God because Ralph had asked this fellow to pray for him 5 days before he died. While this man could have gone on to tell stories about Ralph what he wanted to say was that he wasn’t sure he would see Ralph in heaven. It seems that Ralph did not live his life in the manner in which Jesus would have preferred and that meant he probably didn’t make it through the pearly gates. However, he says as he takes his hands out of his pockets and motions to the coffin, we should all take this opportunity to examine our own lives and make sure that we are living for Jesus.

So at this point he was pretty much done because I had totally quit listening. I MUST quit reacting this way to people, but I feel strongly that this man was totally out of line. So I was imagining myself turning into a WWF wrestler (probably Hulk Hogan) and breaking chairs on this mans head. He deserved it. I didn’t have to make any crazy wrestling moves though because the woman who had written the poem stepped forward and said that she did not believe that because Ralph was an angel to her. The Coroner then directed us all to the bulldozed area and the giant gaping hole in the ground. They drove the coffin the 40 yards away from the little carport and we took Ralph out of the car one last time and laid him next to the big yellow dinosaur that would plant him in the earth moments later. They are not legally allowed to bury the bodies while we are there, so we said some brief prayers and then went on our way. I just cant believe that is all there is. It is so anticlimactic.

Heyyy

i am the worst blogger in the history of bloggers. wow. because i have taught a spirituality class to middle schoolers, visited Brazil for three week, and been back at school for all this time and not reported anything. i have two reflections i can post, but i gotta study for a greek test today. greek is fun though, its so similar to latin its ridiculous. at any rate. i suck! weeeeeeeeeee!
also some people need to see these!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQJD1ura7G4

at the beach

so i have been here for less than 24 hours and im already worn out. i LOVE the beach. i want to live at the beach someday. its just warm people are happy when they are at the beach, i hate to wear clothes and it is just so beautiful here. there is so much fun stuff to do at the beach. im SO sad i didnt get to bring my bicycle here. i got it fixed specifically because i wanted to ride it here. oh well, there are crappy bikes that i have to buy a new tire for so i can ride them here. the road bike that needs fixed isnt actually that bad. it will be nice. i want to ride over the bridges and back, its an adventure i need to go on. WOO WOO!!!
So when i was running (I love having time to run and do whatever i want, its great, having a job is not going to be fun -which is why i need to be a writer or a painter or an artist or something...) i was thinking about the differences in when i run really really far and when i just stop running for no reason sometimes. when im running along staring at the road or sidewalk or whatever right in front of me, just keeping like 5 feet ahead of where i am then i run really really far. i just keep going and going. i dont like to vary my pace or to even to make adjustments for things crossing my path like potholes, other runners or bicyclers or even cars, i just get angry, grumble to my sweaty self and keep on running. when i realize this is what i am doing and that i am probably missing out on a lot, esp running at the beach. there are a TON or people here to look at, theres beautiful marshlands and ocean to see and there i am just plodding along staring at the ground, blind to everything around me. its kind of necessary when i run cause when i look up and see how far away i am from where i am going (with no one chasing me), or just everything around me i get distracted or start thinking more than just "right, left, right, left" i guess i get sensory overload and just stop running. i slow down to a walk without even thinking. i might not even realize i have slowed down. its crazy. its like my friggin life. when im just going along with what i am doing (school or whatever) and not paying attention to everything that is happening on the periphery (men, drinking, friends...). but when i look around and get distracted by all these things i tend to get totally off track. i have GOT to find some middle ground, like a treadmill. that works for me cause it just keeps going and i can look around provided i dont fall off... i dunno. holla!

So Its summer and im bored...

wow. im back, again. get excited. WOO WOO. I have a feeling that no one actually reads this blog, but i figured that i would record some of my thought from this horribly unproductive summer. Thus far i have completed my exams (late of course), moved out of the two bedroom and into a studio apt on campus, drank for like 3 weeks straight, worked for like 14 hours at the library and drank every night for about 3 weeks. its been real i guess. i also managed to have a bit of a fling which is probably cause for whole-nother post. it will be an interesting one for sure. im not even entirely sure that i am capable of relating the absolute ridiculousness of the last three weeks. in the next few weeks ill be at the beach with my sister and mom, then joined by my brother and friends. then i will be here, hopefully working somewhere, for a bit, then volunteering at Montreat, then leading a workshop at massenetta and then off to Brazil for three weeks. seriously, in the next several weeks who knows what i will end up in. all i know is that i will be leaving for Brazil July 17th. im stoked.
the inbetween time has been crazy though. it started the weekend of exams and just kept on going. karaoke, foosball, pool and burritos as big as your head. also a little punk rock, mohawks and pirates. i mean, im not sure how exactly it could have been a more exciting three weeks. also i got a new bike, its PINK!!! i thought it was fixed cause i took it in for a tune up but apparently one of the sprokets is broken or something. blegh. now i cant take it to GA and im pissed about that. super pissed. ill take mom's bike instead. i was really looking foward to riding around on the island, i guess you cant always get what you want. also im going with my anorexic sister so thats going to be interesting. i like to eat, i've recently been told (and love to hear) that i have the perfect body, so i could give a shit and i dont need disordered thinking anymore. none. i realize this is insensitive but you gotta preserve yourself ya know? its all good. im chillin here at 2 in the morning, watchin law and order and some scary move on TV. i miss my friends and sadly, my fling. it was nice to have somebody to make out with (and etc...) whose fingers werent broken (actually called me back) and who seemed to enjoy spending time with me. watcha gonna do? cant win em all i guess.
and i just killed the largest roach EVER. with a mop. because i am AWESOME. i HATE bugs.
im gonna hang with matil now! peace!

so im back...

I CANNOT believe its been nearly a year since i typed in this little white box. CANT believe it. i nearly let my blog die. i have SO many thoughts but none of them seem to have been able to matriculate into the internet... sad i know. grad school and summer camp jobs are busy. junk and stuff piles up to do. i cant help it. but i shouldnt have waited nearly a whole year... seriously, in the time i have been absecent from the fabulous life of little white box typing i could very well have had major surgery, traveled to africa, invented a cure for the common cold or had a baby. none of those things have happened... im in seminary here in louisville. so i should have more insight than ever one would think, and i do... another day i will have to share all that with the internet via this little white box, but until then. im not dead. just in school. peace out!

you HAVE to check this out

See a Secret... Share a Secret...

Dream journal

I think I should maybe start a dream journal. Just so I can go back through it in a few month's and be like, whoa, I must have been on something. Only I would read it though, because the most boring thing to other people is to hear about dreams that aren't their own. Yah know?
I mean, I cant remember my dreams exactly, and besides they are mostly feelings. It just seems silly to write down things like warm, cold, cool, basic, stings or whatever...
I haven't had BAD dreams in a while, which is probably a good sign. I think that having dreams a lot means that you are unsettled or a lot of changed is happening because its (I think) your brain decompacting your day.
I wish my brain wouldn't do it in such a freakin weird way. I think that my dreams might have soundtracks too, because I always wake up with a song in my head. Sometimes it goes away, and sometimes it stays there for weeks at a time.
maybe everyone should have a dream journal, or maybe no one. Why do I need to remember 2 months from now that I woke up thinking I had to go on a 30 hour trip into space, because this lady wouldn't get better if I didn't take her there. Or that I got pushed (or I fell, I dunno which) off a really tall dock into some really green water where there was an alligator swimming around, and then I had to race a lady and her husband to the dock that's in the middle of the lake, and I was terrified this whole time, cause I don't deal well with water that's not clear and alligators that might be hungry or ornery... ick. also in that dream there was some like, HUGE water thing... i dunno, my sister and i were talking about how cool it would be to have an "END OF THE WORLD" movie night and watch Waterworld, Mad Max (cause its all desert), The day after tomorrow, the matrices... and there was another one that i cant think of right now. we had all the types of parcipitation covered. dangit!
but im sure that had some sort of influence on the that deal in my dream, there were all these platforms and caves and stuff... but it looked like a Younglife camp or something.
i do sometimes have dreams that happen (im not alone in this, lots of people have these). usually if i stop having those, im doing stuff im not supposed to be doing. its really sad. it is real weird to be doin something, minding your own business, and the BAM! deja vu! grrrr.
ok, so i did some research, not real research though. i looked on wikipedia, and it said that lots of people have tried to figure out what the deal is with this, and some of it is linked to memory problems... whatever, and heres a in interesting bit
"A clinical correlation has been found between the experience of déjà vu and disorders such as schizophrenia and anxiety, and the likelihood of the experience increases considerably with subjects having these conditions. However, the strongest pathological association of déjà vu is with temporal lobe epilepsy. This correlation has led some researchers to speculate that the experience of déjà vu is possibly a neurological anomaly related to improper electrical discharge in the brain."
awesome. Why does science have to spoil everything?
stupid logic and reasoning.
marie out.

confusion

i want that trinity symbol tattooed on my arm...



additionally, i would like this cross on my calf
these are paintings by some dude... Paul Myhill. should i ask him if i can get his paintings tattooed on my body? i dunno. hopefully that doesnt count as plagiarism? i dunno...

Main Entry: con·fu·sion
Pronunciation: k&n-'fyü-zh&n
Function: noun
: disturbance of consciousness characterized by inability to engage in orderly thought or by lack of power to distinguish, choose, or act decisively —con·fu·sion·al /-zhn&l, -zh&n-&l/ adjective

Confusion is always the most honest response.
Marty Indik

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.
Larry Leissner

for real, im feelin pretty transparent today...


so its pretty fun how on dictionary.com you can pick the definition that you want... make words mean what you want them too. its super. i am confused though, and tired. i think most of the confusion is a direct result of the tired. whatever, i got some coffee, which burned my mouth a lot. i think all the good luck i was previously experiencing is fading out. maybe i gave it to some one who needs it more than me. maybe i just started sucking really bad all of a sudden. who knows?

since no one reads this, i feel like its going ot be ok to type out my thoughts and confusion on here a little. whatever, i can delete the post if it becomes a problem. i am a creature of habit, i think that everyone who knows me understands that. i settle into my routine when i get my schedule each month and get completely and utterly thrown off when my stinkin pattern of existance gets altered in some way. im not like OCD or anything, just not as spontaneous as i may have previously imagined.
*i deeply wish that people wouldnt talk while i am in a coffee shop trying to think... god im a jackass... i do that all the Fing time*
im really not feeling pitiful in any way right now, not down or anything silly like that, which is weird because i generally get a pretty good case of the springtime blues. all this stuff is up in the air and its driving me NUTS. i like to have a few balls in the air, you know, keep my options open or whatever, but theres too much. at least i got into school, so theres that. i am going to louisville, its just a question of when as far as that goes, i guess. woo hoo. i have to find a job up there, im not real sure if i shouldnt just move up there and look for one once i get there. but i am REALLY scared to do that by myself. im torn between staying here for the summer and going there now to work. I dont know what kind of financial aid im going to get, so i dont know what i need to raise. i have to do all these stupid essays for these grant applications and describe myself as a person... etc etc... so maybe im being thrown back down that existential black hole again. well at least part of me is. i know what i want to do, just not how to do it. i really do feel called to this vocation. so whatever, at least thats settled.
i hate my job at the YWCA. its just so over i think. ive got like senioritis or something. i LOVE the people i work with, its just such a dead end situation. i feel like i went through such a rough patch with them, and helped them out and nothing will come of it. nothing but more stupid stupid work. i am pretty tired i think i need a nap.
plus on top of all these ridiculous feelings swirling around in there, ive got more.

i just like to make my own life harder. grrr. so you really cant even discuss whats up because
who needs all this crap... lets sing that big country song

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered"

or Citizen Cope
"Sideways"

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away



i need to get them outside my head, so i can feel what im gut is telling me to do without my stupid brain getting involved. ive been trying to put all this in the god box, and let it marinate there, just trust that everything will work out, but im really sucking at doing that right now.
i know i could just go by myself to louisville and work it all out, but it wouldnt be as fun or interesting or happy with out at least one person to share it with.
ugh. i feel better a little right now.
am i crazy? i feel pretty normal. ive always been a little neurotic. we all know thats the truth.

more citizen cope (im like addicted)

"My Way Home"

Sometimes I miss a step
I stumble here and there
I'm findin' my way home
If I'm lost then I'll admit
Sometimes i plain forget
I'm findin' my way home
You can try and stand in my way
You can say what you're gonna say
But I'm finding my way home

questions for reflection...

here is a really awesome quote:
These days an income is something you can't live without--or within.
- Tom Wilson


for some reason, i find it easier to reflect within the padded walls of this little blogger box, as opposed to the hard, cold and complicated boarders of a word document. I think it might be because i know that no one reads this (except maybe chris), therefore there are no expectations. With the other i guess i always think that i will have to turn it in, or something... i dunno.
i have to answer these questions in order to become an inquirer with the church, so that i can be approved by my congregation, and the the presbytery and then the national church so that i may be allowed to become a minister. its really a ridiculous process... i forsee lots of ridiculous red tape, essays and hard questions in my future. rar. some days i wish i was a dragon so i could burn it all up and start over.
ok. so, the questions thats got me spinning right now, keep in mind these people are expecting "insightful reflection" not "scarcastic satire" or any kind of whit... they are middle aged, protestant white people, so any kind of modern humor will be lost on them anyways... i dont get this phenomon at all, but whatever. older people dont even TRY to get younger people.
so i have got to "describe myself as a person" HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT?
what do they mean by that? more appropriately -> what do they want to hear?
WTF!!!
i hate these things, people really should consult me before they make really stupid application questions. i mean at least ask an interesting question, to which the answer would have reflect the appropriate themes and general information. *GOSH*
i certianly couldnt tell them what im really like, or i would get revoked for sure. like totally. dude.

dictionary.com says:
per·son (pûrsn)
n.
1. A living human.
2. The composite of characteristics that make up an individual personality; the
self.
3. The living body of a human.
4. Physique and general appearance.

it says some other stuff, but it wasnt applicable at this time.

the US attorneys website says this about a person:
1048 Definition -- "Person"

The term "person" is defined in 18 U.S.C. § 2510(6) to mean any individual person as well as natural and legal entities. It specifically includes United States and state agents. According to the legislative history, "(o)nly the governmental units themselves are excluded." S.Rep. No. 1097, 90th Cong., 2d Sess. 90 (1968).

the legal encyclopedia says:

Person

In general usage, a human being; by statute, however, the term can include firms, labor organizations, partnerships, associations, corporations, legal representatives, trustees, trustees in bankruptcy, or receivers.

A corporation is a "person" for purposes of the constitutional guarantees of equal protection of laws and due process of law.

Foreign governments otherwise eligible to sue in United States courts are "persons" entitled to institute a suit for treble damages for alleged antitrust violations under the Clayton Act (15 U.S.C.A. § 12 et seq.).

Illegitimate children are "persons" within the meaning of the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

The phrase interested person refers to heirs, devisees, children, spouses, creditors, beneficiaries, and any others having a property right in, or a claim against, a trust estate or the estate of a decedent, ward, or protected person. It also refers to personal representatives and to fiduciaries.


it pisses me off because its just so vague... i could write like infinity pages about myself as a person, because lets face it, out of everything i know "me" is the thing i know the most about, and i would never be finished because the information is being constantly updated... its really a pretty stupid situation in which i currently find myself.

WIKIPEDIA has a long ass entry about what constitutes a person... im absolutely not cutting and pasting it though.

the philosophical dictionary says:
person

An individual capable of moral agency. Although the details of their theories of human nature differ widely, Descartes, Locke, Kant, and Strawson all accepted a functional description of the person that includes both mental and physical features: the attribution of responsibility to a moral agent requires both the ability to choose and an ability to act on that choice.

i couldnt find a religious definition, which is just silly.

grrrrr...

i mean as a person, do they mean, describe yourself as a human? describe your personality? are you sane? describe your sense of your own humanity? describe your limits or your talents? describe your emotional aptitude? describe your attitude? do you understand your mortality?

describe me as a person? am i even a person? according to the sources ive found today, i might qualify. which is good i guess. cant be an inquirer if im not a person.

im just going to take a bunch of internet quizes and maybe they will tell me what i am like as a person. there. i solved it.