help...

so ive read "on the road" by jack Kerouac, tom Wolfe's "kool-aid acid test" and seen i heart huckabees (like 10 times, once with commentary) for that matter... i keep getting in deeper and deeper with this beatnik stuff... its nuts, like wading around in the manure of human drama or something... i think i started in on it because i was wondering if there was anyone out there that wondered "what is going on?" too.. ya know? so now i cant stop thinking about stuff... like what does it mean to be? just be? "to be" or "i am" is where God comes from... the great i am... is it possible to just be... why would you want to merely exist... how do you do it? why would you want to... isn't there more to life than just existing... why is love the first thing people think of as being more to life, what about hope, faith, fellowship, comfort, safety... but also fear, loathing, anger, contempt, hurt, frustration... and the mixing of them all... why would you want to break it all down, or stop feeling... does there need to be a point to it all or can we just keep trying... like janis says "try just a little bit harder" do we need a sign...?
and also... all these books i have been reading are by men.. im sick of that shit... the movies are produced, directed and written by men... and the women aren't exactly portrayed as intellectual...
what am i supposed to think of all this. i listened to the commentary on i heart huckabees and they are talking about narcissism, what?! i mean the is the entire pursuit of "meaning" or a "higher level of understanding" completely ego-fueled and a uniquely individual experience...
I need to know there is something out there... more to life... that there is something more or better to come... like nirvana or something... but the seven steps don't work for everyone and you cant really share it with anyone, nor can you have the exact experience of someone else. but i cant do it the way everyone else has done it, im not reassured the same way... i dont want my emotions manipulated, my money stolen or my brain tapped...
YOU experience it, from YOUR worldview which will give you YOUR OWN understanding of the universe as it is... YOU break down YOUR identity to figure out whats going on with events in YOUR life... YOU have to decide what has meaning to you and waht doesnt... what is your purpose, who are you....
regardless of how this will effect other people...
is everything connected and we should only see the good or is nothing connected and everything meaningless?
either way its gonna keep going, the world... whether you participate in it or not... you exist... you are...
it goes on without you..
at the same pace as when you left it.
i think that women have more complex worldviews than men. we have to be flexible thorugh out life and we live inside constant dualities. so many simultaneous pressures...
OUR worldviews are more communally based i think. no, i believe.
women are always depicted as superficial or caring more about everyday drudgery than philosophy, marthas if you will (pardon my biblical reference, ive been doing that a lot lately) because that WAS our place, a long time ago. right?
wrong, its still the same, but with tighter pants and implants.
im not saying that women are above the narcissic flight from reality that a lot of men take via philosophy... thats a buz word... thinking about stuff in a deeper way is nice, contemplating why we are here is great, but we ARE here, do something... decide your call and do it right? not that easy... philosophy... pffff.
wouldnt just "being" be close to god the great "i am" ?
im also saying that we are here in this life, with lots of other people... why not treat them like other us's? people arent as different as we want them to be. we all need a sign, and a reason for they way things have to be, from time to time, we also need intimacy... an open honest relationship... not necessarily involving with another human... thats the other thing those damned men in those books and movies were lookign for, a completely open and honest relationship.. really they wanted into some one elses head. but you cant, (unless your on acid apparently,) we are existentially lonely... alone... thats it, you cant understand someone else completely because only YOU have had the series of experiences blah blah... maybe they were trying the wrong ways... they were too proactive, didnt dismantle to calm down and avoid emotions... or are we all connected through the pain and the cracks... i mean you cant really haveone without the other... i think emotions are the meat of life. i think that women experience these same things as men, same ideas, they just deal with them in a different manner. we are wired differently... not necessarily better, just different. we are all neurotic, definitely different... different is not bad, just not the same... there is no weird... dont limit yourself, normal doesnt exist... different is not scary, just sometimes hard to understand.. i found this in the dictionary, prolly doesnt apply, but whatever... its livejournal...
Source: THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993)
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white,
together drew And having each a pleasant sense
Of t'other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed Their feelings.
Then they effervesced!
So Nature executes her feats
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who don't apply,
That you are you and I am I.

the men in these movies and books just use most of the people around them as if they are toys places in their path for them to play with, not real people that could possible have the same thought and feelings or sense of being as they do. ultimtely we are all like brad from i heart huckabees... just playing different parts in different situations to watch out for number one... really this is an american sentiment, other countries have a better sense of corporate identity. america, army of one (which also means everyone is disposable) people are madly searching, but not finding what they need and falling into everything else that cant fill them up... you cant be above everything... we all fall back into human drama no matter what right? isnt understanding/connecting with another being is the ultimate experience?
intimacy?.
the need for this is often confused with sex, religion, sports, drugs, love... its all the same. whatever...
there comes a point when we realize there is something missing, or we get lonely... we all need somthing to fill that hole inside us, if there is a hole inside you, sorry i made an assumption there. but its an existential thing... needing purpose. and dying.
but what is the answer?
why doesnt anyone care enough about womens struggle with the infinite to deal with it? eating brownies and wearing a bonnet are not it. NOT. i resent beign considered neurotic just for thinking.
the beatniks dug on life right? they were in the here and now for the most part? i dunno.
other related things im pissed off about... in regards to the selection of an interview outfit why do i have to play a game to succeed? i dont want to sell my body to make a living, if i did id be a prostitute. i shouldnt have to play this game, im too smart to waste time worrying if my outfit will turn on some guy at work making it hard for him to get his job done... sounds like his problem to me. they are body parts, just because my collar bones are exposed doesnt mean i want to you. i should be able to look and dress like a woman, be intelligent and emotional and sensual and have people not be scared of me or think i am dumb. i should be able to be pretty and smart and taken seriously with out having to proove something to all the assholes that look down my shirt and dont listen to the words that are comming out of my mouth because i couldnt possibly have anything to say that would make sense about the world. who cares anyways?!!!! i know there have been female philosophers but they have played the game to get there and i dont want too... but if i speak out they will roll their eyes and try to put me in a jar so they can poke at me and laugh... dont placate me!!
youll be hearing from me again.
can i trust my habitual mind... no!
what matters everything? nothing?
why am i here? who am i to me, who am i to otherS?
is this reality real or is the next? is there a next? is this hell?
do i have all the answers? can i understand the answers?
is my mind limited too human manure?
ha! dismantle... what?! faith? hope? pish. not the same thing, but cant hvae one with out the other... weird
i dont know.... :)