Monday, October 31, 2005
Friday, October 28, 2005
| You are a |
You are best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test
so thanks courtney, this site is really cool! who doesnt love online quizs after all. i mean i already knew this about myself, but neato. i dont really know what those percentages mean... 8% permissive? 70% permissive? what?!
k im done now...
the reason im taking these quizzes is because i had an interesting evening last night to say the least. i was just minding my own business up at the front desk... i wasnt feeling amazing to begin with yesterday, but then i blacked out. ugh. it was not fun. i had to stumble as best i could, stopping for short breaks back to the lifeguard area and lay down on a matt while i waited for my mom to come and get me. suck.
i still dont know whats wrong with me. i thought it was food poisening. im starting to think maybe i was dehydtated or something. cause im still not all here today.
it will be ok. im going to sit right here adn keep taking online quizes... woot. and checking other peoples blogs...
Thursday, October 27, 2005
so i figured id give an update on a day in my life, just in case anyone was wondering, not that anyone is actually reading this.
so i work at the YWCA at night... teaching swimming lessons, lifeguarding, and mostly working at the front desk- none of these are my favorite activities but whatev, the people are nice and its not bad to have something to do.
usually after work i have shit ass nothing to do so i drive the 30 min home and sit around pretending to do one art project or another, but mostly helping my father finish off a bottle of wine or something like that. i watch MASH and the stupid shows on cartoon network and often go to sleep shortly after that.
in the morning i get up.. usually around 11 (i work at night remember so i am allowed to sleep late now... well late-er). i tried getting up earlier but it just didnt work out. i think the invention of the snooze button is the downfall of society. i mea honestly, who do you trust to make decisions seconds af i do the morningtime stagger down the stairs... nearly tripping over things ive left there the night before. since it decided to get cold outside there are now boots and coats and scarves laying everywhere. which i think adds a nice spash of color to the foyer... tee hee.
i very nearly drink a pot of coffee by myself (not really but it sounds cool, i try to limit it to 3-4 cups)...
i spend most of my day very nearly doing things... i very nearly clean up my room. then i very nearly read a book... im reading the "idiot girls' action-adventure club" right now and it is probably the funniest book i have ever read. i can only read 3 chapters at a time cause im drowning in my tears of joy by the end of them. its now too cold to fart around outside... at least by my standards. i used to work out a lot, but ive been really slack about that lately. i mean I WORK AT A GYM.... its not as tough its not convient for me to just pop over to work like 30 min early... whatev. its not like im turning flaberific or anything.
i spend a lot of my time very nearly hanging out with friends, very nearly getting into relationships, i do actually frequent caribou coffee houses in the area where i work.
i am now scared to go alone because there is apparently a serial rapist on the loose, and due to a minor law and order addiction (im seeking help... dont worry) i am now too scared to persue my favorite activity. its sad. you would think that i would be under the delillusion (sp?) that i could solve the case, not become a case.
and then i go to work and fart around for a few hours every day.
it will be nice in november, i will actually have some days off, so i might be able to get into some trouble! woo hoo!
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
pile of faces...
pile of faces...
so i wanted to post pictures, so now i figured out a way and we are all in trouble!
i like this site, its pretty easy to figure out when i have, ya know, an hour to do it cause im slow.
so im updating. i need to read through (i always need to do something...) that last entry to see if ive improved any from that time, which was like a month ago. there have been things i wanted to post, but i needed to switch to different ... blog jungle.
so now im in the blogger jungle, cause i like google. k? good. now that we have that cleared up lets talk about identity.
thats the topic i have been dealing with this past month. not my own identity, i think ive got a pretty firm hold on who i am and what im about these days. ive also got a firm grasp on the idea that we are constantly "reforming." so nothing is really a constant, or is it? i dont know.
lord... there is too much of all this to sort out, and my philosophy class in which i discussed these things was a long time ago.
so i wikipedia-ed it.
and it really didnt turn up too much at first. identity turned up mostly math related results. NOT what im looking for. rar. so i clicked on some other stuff and ended up with self, self-concept, etc... thats a little more like it.
so i guess we will be talking about the self, which is the idea of a unified being which is the source of an idiosyncratic consciousness. Moreover, this self is the agent responsible for the thoughts and actions of an individual to which they are ascribed. It is something which endures through time; thus, the thoughts and actions at different moments of time may pertain to the same self.
in psychology the self refers to the conscious, reflective personality of an individual.
i apologize in advance for the following bit of add.
i just learned that word... that was probably the most helpful word i have ever clicked on though. aww man, wouldnt it be amazing if everywhere you went if you got confused a little blue box would would appear that said "DISAMBIGUATION" in large block letters. when you hit the box everything would suddenly be clarified! how novel. you could only see it if you needed it though... kind of like idea of SEP (somebody elses problem) in the hitchhikers series. we will have to work on our bistromathmatics first...
and we are back on track! so we are going to be discussing HUMAN IDENTITY (please read this in a big announcer voice, thank you)
so after spending a few work days surfing the information superhighway, gleaning all that i can about "SELF" which is not near as fun to say as HUMAN IDENTITY, but includes just as many big and scary topics.
people are weird. there. glad we got that out of the way.
people are dumb. whew!
people are complicated...
i mean its that whole thing who am? what makes me... me?
is it self?
i mean it all boils down to just asking "who am i?" over and over and over until you finally give yourself an honest answer. but will you ever get around to it? maybe, maybe not.
this is pretty sweet though, i seem to be following a natural progression from what is it all about? and why are we here? to who am i and what does it mean to me?
its nuts. guess thats ok.
identity is a some kinda intense subject. i mean, according to erikson i should have my personality pretty well in order by now... but is my personality all i am? Lord, im in trouble if thats the case. though my wiki friend says "In the healthy personality there is constant assimilation of new ideas and expulsion of old ideas throughout life." so thats good, there is hope.
luckily, i am also biologically a human, a female human... woah! stop. now some have tried to tell me that the soul is sexless (teehee... go ahead giggle at that word, it will make you feel younger)... well thats nice, but currently this soul or whatever you wanna call it is currently lodged in this feeble female body and that effects the way i see the world. other things like that, blondish red hair, blue eyes, not really thin or fat... short... those sorts things. you can change they way you look a little easier these days... for example if you go from fat to skinny, it really does impact they way people treat you oddly enough. also temperment and all those other things mother nature bestows on us whether we want it or not.
theres your worldview... *some people dont like this term, so if your one of them please ignore it, think of perception or maybe your perhaps a giant microscope where the lenses are your experiences, culture, ideas, and general temperment, dunno if that helps or not but at least i tried* ... also has a pretty big impact on who you are. i dont know about memories and all that. theres a lot of arguing to be done about memories apparently. we will discuss that at another time. for now lets assume that everything that happens to you, from the time you are aware of it, and maybe a little before, effects the way you see things. for example, if your parents are often of the absence of mind enough to forget to pick you up from swim practice, you are likely to assume you need to call them as soon as practice is over or be left out in the cold, right?
but that is an experience that has effected you... i dont mean to be leading into behaviorism or anything, i just couldnt help it. i mean we get programed in all sorts of ways.
we are american, unfortunately (or not...), and this impacts they way you will be raised, what you will want out of life, how you interact with other people. most of us were raised witn early 80s parenting styles, which is ok i guess. it has given us a value system, a social code, language, group identity... this book even sites mythes as answers to big questions (religion??), legends and heros to provide group identity...
but how much of that is actually you, and how much of that is just sort of a lense through which you look at the world. cause your perception is def a part of it. how you react to things i guess.
how much a part of you is what you do? im a lifeguard, a recptionist, a swimming instructor and a fitness lady... i mean i am not that. i certianly dont want to do it forever. some dude told me to get a real job the other day... i was like you can take that real job, sit on it and spin. assface.
not really, but i did think about it.
in america its VERY important to have a job, or a purpose that makes you money and my generation of people are doing the thing were we live at home and work crappy jobs to save money... its tuff and hard to get straight in your head.
i guess family has something to do with it, im the oldest of four.
i try to be an artist.
i try to be nice...
i try to be productive...
I. I! I? how did this suddenly become about me!? guess it was inevitable, we are essentially egocentric when it comes down to it arent we? i mean we can sympathize and sometimes empathize with other people, but eventually it comes down to being all alone inside your head.
but thats not the end of it either, cause we want to be a part of something so we keep trying. or do we? because we still will see ourselves in a different way than others see us...
i live in this time and space, so this is all thats real to me. suck. thats no good. but true.
but then apparently weve come back around to this question...
"HOW MUCH OF ME IS ME???" precisely where we started. isnt it. i dunno im too lazy to scroll up and check for real.
i really dont know..
so there are some more things about your self concept... its apparently organized... and stable... so it tends to resist change.
this quote explains the existance of assholes "Individuals strive to behave in ways that are in keeping with their self-concepts, no matter how helpful or hurtful to oneself or others."
I guess because we are ego-based creatures... the self-concept usually takes precedence over the physical body. Individuals will often sacrifice physical comfort and safety for emotional satisfaction. maslow would have a fit!
ok im done with this for now! peace.
who even knew there were this many quotes out there about reality? i didnt. and clearly ive been reading a little too much douglas adams... which is aweome! eventually ill figure out how to put some pictures on this bad boy!
have fun with these!
Humankind cannot stand very much reality.
- TS Eliot
Everything is a dangerous drug except reality, which is unendurable.
- Cyril Connolly
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it.
- Jane Wagner
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Jules de Gaultier
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
Lily Tomlin (1939 - )
we have the power marie.
the president is just there to make sure we don't get pissed enough to use it
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
- Douglas Adams
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
- Douglas Adams
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.... one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whome you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.
to summarixe: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. to summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made president should on no account be allowed to do the job. to summarize the summary of teh summary: people are a problem.
- Douglas Adams
Reality is frequently inaccurate.
- Douglas Adams
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss
- Douglas Adams
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do
- Douglas Adams
It is a rare mind indeed that can render the hitherto non-existent blindingly obvious. The cry 'I could have thought of that' is a very popular and misleading one, for the fact is that they didn't, and a very significant and revealing fact it is too.
- Douglas Adams
Monday, October 17, 2005
and also... all these books i have been reading are by men.. im sick of that shit... the movies are produced, directed and written by men... and the women aren't exactly portrayed as intellectual...
what am i supposed to think of all this. i listened to the commentary on i heart huckabees and they are talking about narcissism, what?! i mean the is the entire pursuit of "meaning" or a "higher level of understanding" completely ego-fueled and a uniquely individual experience...
I need to know there is something out there... more to life... that there is something more or better to come... like nirvana or something... but the seven steps don't work for everyone and you cant really share it with anyone, nor can you have the exact experience of someone else. but i cant do it the way everyone else has done it, im not reassured the same way... i dont want my emotions manipulated, my money stolen or my brain tapped...
YOU experience it, from YOUR worldview which will give you YOUR OWN understanding of the universe as it is... YOU break down YOUR identity to figure out whats going on with events in YOUR life... YOU have to decide what has meaning to you and waht doesnt... what is your purpose, who are you....
regardless of how this will effect other people...
is everything connected and we should only see the good or is nothing connected and everything meaningless?
either way its gonna keep going, the world... whether you participate in it or not... you exist... you are...
it goes on without you..
at the same pace as when you left it.
i think that women have more complex worldviews than men. we have to be flexible thorugh out life and we live inside constant dualities. so many simultaneous pressures...
OUR worldviews are more communally based i think. no, i believe.
women are always depicted as superficial or caring more about everyday drudgery than philosophy, marthas if you will (pardon my biblical reference, ive been doing that a lot lately) because that WAS our place, a long time ago. right?
wrong, its still the same, but with tighter pants and implants.
im not saying that women are above the narcissic flight from reality that a lot of men take via philosophy... thats a buz word... thinking about stuff in a deeper way is nice, contemplating why we are here is great, but we ARE here, do something... decide your call and do it right? not that easy... philosophy... pffff.
wouldnt just "being" be close to god the great "i am" ?
im also saying that we are here in this life, with lots of other people... why not treat them like other us's? people arent as different as we want them to be. we all need a sign, and a reason for they way things have to be, from time to time, we also need intimacy... an open honest relationship... not necessarily involving with another human... thats the other thing those damned men in those books and movies were lookign for, a completely open and honest relationship.. really they wanted into some one elses head. but you cant, (unless your on acid apparently,) we are existentially lonely... alone... thats it, you cant understand someone else completely because only YOU have had the series of experiences blah blah... maybe they were trying the wrong ways... they were too proactive, didnt dismantle to calm down and avoid emotions... or are we all connected through the pain and the cracks... i mean you cant really haveone without the other... i think emotions are the meat of life. i think that women experience these same things as men, same ideas, they just deal with them in a different manner. we are wired differently... not necessarily better, just different. we are all neurotic, definitely different... different is not bad, just not the same... there is no weird... dont limit yourself, normal doesnt exist... different is not scary, just sometimes hard to understand.. i found this in the dictionary, prolly doesnt apply, but whatever... its livejournal...
Source: THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993)
INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction.
Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white,
together drew And having each a pleasant sense
Of t'other powder's excellence,
Forsook their jackets for the snug
Enjoyment of a common mug.
So close their intimacy grew
One paper would have held the two.
To confidences straight they fell,
Less anxious each to hear than tell;
Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed,
Acknowledging he had them in
So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt
Their spirits with emotion melt,
Till tears of sentiment expressed Their feelings.
Then they effervesced!
So Nature executes her feats
Of wrath on friends and sympathetes
The good old rule who don't apply,
That you are you and I am I.
the men in these movies and books just use most of the people around them as if they are toys places in their path for them to play with, not real people that could possible have the same thought and feelings or sense of being as they do. ultimtely we are all like brad from i heart huckabees... just playing different parts in different situations to watch out for number one... really this is an american sentiment, other countries have a better sense of corporate identity. america, army of one (which also means everyone is disposable) people are madly searching, but not finding what they need and falling into everything else that cant fill them up... you cant be above everything... we all fall back into human drama no matter what right? isnt understanding/connecting with another being is the ultimate experience?
the need for this is often confused with sex, religion, sports, drugs, love... its all the same. whatever...
there comes a point when we realize there is something missing, or we get lonely... we all need somthing to fill that hole inside us, if there is a hole inside you, sorry i made an assumption there. but its an existential thing... needing purpose. and dying.
but what is the answer?
why doesnt anyone care enough about womens struggle with the infinite to deal with it? eating brownies and wearing a bonnet are not it. NOT. i resent beign considered neurotic just for thinking.
the beatniks dug on life right? they were in the here and now for the most part? i dunno.
other related things im pissed off about... in regards to the selection of an interview outfit why do i have to play a game to succeed? i dont want to sell my body to make a living, if i did id be a prostitute. i shouldnt have to play this game, im too smart to waste time worrying if my outfit will turn on some guy at work making it hard for him to get his job done... sounds like his problem to me. they are body parts, just because my collar bones are exposed doesnt mean i want to you. i should be able to look and dress like a woman, be intelligent and emotional and sensual and have people not be scared of me or think i am dumb. i should be able to be pretty and smart and taken seriously with out having to proove something to all the assholes that look down my shirt and dont listen to the words that are comming out of my mouth because i couldnt possibly have anything to say that would make sense about the world. who cares anyways?!!!! i know there have been female philosophers but they have played the game to get there and i dont want too... but if i speak out they will roll their eyes and try to put me in a jar so they can poke at me and laugh... dont placate me!!
youll be hearing from me again.
can i trust my habitual mind... no!
what matters everything? nothing?
why am i here? who am i to me, who am i to otherS?
is this reality real or is the next? is there a next? is this hell?
do i have all the answers? can i understand the answers?
is my mind limited too human manure?
ha! dismantle... what?! faith? hope? pish. not the same thing, but cant hvae one with out the other... weird
i dont know.... :)