Friday, April 14, 2006

Dream journal

I think I should maybe start a dream journal. Just so I can go back through it in a few month's and be like, whoa, I must have been on something. Only I would read it though, because the most boring thing to other people is to hear about dreams that aren't their own. Yah know?
I mean, I cant remember my dreams exactly, and besides they are mostly feelings. It just seems silly to write down things like warm, cold, cool, basic, stings or whatever...
I haven't had BAD dreams in a while, which is probably a good sign. I think that having dreams a lot means that you are unsettled or a lot of changed is happening because its (I think) your brain decompacting your day.
I wish my brain wouldn't do it in such a freakin weird way. I think that my dreams might have soundtracks too, because I always wake up with a song in my head. Sometimes it goes away, and sometimes it stays there for weeks at a time.
maybe everyone should have a dream journal, or maybe no one. Why do I need to remember 2 months from now that I woke up thinking I had to go on a 30 hour trip into space, because this lady wouldn't get better if I didn't take her there. Or that I got pushed (or I fell, I dunno which) off a really tall dock into some really green water where there was an alligator swimming around, and then I had to race a lady and her husband to the dock that's in the middle of the lake, and I was terrified this whole time, cause I don't deal well with water that's not clear and alligators that might be hungry or ornery... ick. also in that dream there was some like, HUGE water thing... i dunno, my sister and i were talking about how cool it would be to have an "END OF THE WORLD" movie night and watch Waterworld, Mad Max (cause its all desert), The day after tomorrow, the matrices... and there was another one that i cant think of right now. we had all the types of parcipitation covered. dangit!
but im sure that had some sort of influence on the that deal in my dream, there were all these platforms and caves and stuff... but it looked like a Younglife camp or something.
i do sometimes have dreams that happen (im not alone in this, lots of people have these). usually if i stop having those, im doing stuff im not supposed to be doing. its really sad. it is real weird to be doin something, minding your own business, and the BAM! deja vu! grrrr.
ok, so i did some research, not real research though. i looked on wikipedia, and it said that lots of people have tried to figure out what the deal is with this, and some of it is linked to memory problems... whatever, and heres a in interesting bit
"A clinical correlation has been found between the experience of déjà vu and disorders such as schizophrenia and anxiety, and the likelihood of the experience increases considerably with subjects having these conditions. However, the strongest pathological association of déjà vu is with temporal lobe epilepsy. This correlation has led some researchers to speculate that the experience of déjà vu is possibly a neurological anomaly related to improper electrical discharge in the brain."
awesome. Why does science have to spoil everything?
stupid logic and reasoning.
marie out.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


i want that trinity symbol tattooed on my arm...

additionally, i would like this cross on my calf
these are paintings by some dude... Paul Myhill. should i ask him if i can get his paintings tattooed on my body? i dunno. hopefully that doesnt count as plagiarism? i dunno...

Main Entry: con·fu·sion

Pronunciation: k&n-'fyü-zh&n
Function: noun
: disturbance of consciousness characterized by inability to engage in orderly thought or by lack of power to distinguish, choose, or act decisively —con·fu·sion·al /-zhn&l, -zh&n-&l/ adjective

Confusion is always the most honest response.
Marty Indik

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.
Larry Leissner

for real, im feelin pretty transparent today...

so its pretty fun how on you can pick the definition that you want... make words mean what you want them too. its super. i am confused though, and tired. i think most of the confusion is a direct result of the tired. whatever, i got some coffee, which burned my mouth a lot. i think all the good luck i was previously experiencing is fading out. maybe i gave it to some one who needs it more than me. maybe i just started sucking really bad all of a sudden. who knows?

since no one reads this, i feel like its going ot be ok to type out my thoughts and confusion on here a little. whatever, i can delete the post if it becomes a problem. i am a creature of habit, i think that everyone who knows me understands that. i settle into my routine when i get my schedule each month and get completely and utterly thrown off when my stinkin pattern of existance gets altered in some way. im not like OCD or anything, just not as spontaneous as i may have previously imagined.
*i deeply wish that people wouldnt talk while i am in a coffee shop trying to think... god im a jackass... i do that all the Fing time*
im really not feeling pitiful in any way right now, not down or anything silly like that, which is weird because i generally get a pretty good case of the springtime blues. all this stuff is up in the air and its driving me NUTS. i like to have a few balls in the air, you know, keep my options open or whatever, but theres too much. at least i got into school, so theres that. i am going to louisville, its just a question of when as far as that goes, i guess. woo hoo. i have to find a job up there, im not real sure if i shouldnt just move up there and look for one once i get there. but i am REALLY scared to do that by myself. im torn between staying here for the summer and going there now to work. I dont know what kind of financial aid im going to get, so i dont know what i need to raise. i have to do all these stupid essays for these grant applications and describe myself as a person... etc etc... so maybe im being thrown back down that existential black hole again. well at least part of me is. i know what i want to do, just not how to do it. i really do feel called to this vocation. so whatever, at least thats settled.
i hate my job at the YWCA. its just so over i think. ive got like senioritis or something. i LOVE the people i work with, its just such a dead end situation. i feel like i went through such a rough patch with them, and helped them out and nothing will come of it. nothing but more stupid stupid work. i am pretty tired i think i need a nap.
plus on top of all these ridiculous feelings swirling around in there, ive got more.

i just like to make my own life harder. grrr. so you really cant even discuss whats up because
who needs all this crap... lets sing that big country song

So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered"

or Citizen Cope

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

i need to get them outside my head, so i can feel what im gut is telling me to do without my stupid brain getting involved. ive been trying to put all this in the god box, and let it marinate there, just trust that everything will work out, but im really sucking at doing that right now.
i know i could just go by myself to louisville and work it all out, but it wouldnt be as fun or interesting or happy with out at least one person to share it with.
ugh. i feel better a little right now.
am i crazy? i feel pretty normal. ive always been a little neurotic. we all know thats the truth.

more citizen cope (im like addicted)

"My Way Home"

Sometimes I miss a step
I stumble here and there
I'm findin' my way home
If I'm lost then I'll admit
Sometimes i plain forget
I'm findin' my way home
You can try and stand in my way
You can say what you're gonna say
But I'm finding my way home

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

questions for reflection...

here is a really awesome quote:
These days an income is something you can't live without--or within.
- Tom Wilson

for some reason, i find it easier to reflect within the padded walls of this little blogger box, as opposed to the hard, cold and complicated boarders of a word document. I think it might be because i know that no one reads this (except maybe chris), therefore there are no expectations. With the other i guess i always think that i will have to turn it in, or something... i dunno.
i have to answer these questions in order to become an inquirer with the church, so that i can be approved by my congregation, and the the presbytery and then the national church so that i may be allowed to become a minister. its really a ridiculous process... i forsee lots of ridiculous red tape, essays and hard questions in my future. rar. some days i wish i was a dragon so i could burn it all up and start over.
ok. so, the questions thats got me spinning right now, keep in mind these people are expecting "insightful reflection" not "scarcastic satire" or any kind of whit... they are middle aged, protestant white people, so any kind of modern humor will be lost on them anyways... i dont get this phenomon at all, but whatever. older people dont even TRY to get younger people.
so i have got to "describe myself as a person" HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT?
what do they mean by that? more appropriately -> what do they want to hear?
i hate these things, people really should consult me before they make really stupid application questions. i mean at least ask an interesting question, to which the answer would have reflect the appropriate themes and general information. *GOSH*
i certianly couldnt tell them what im really like, or i would get revoked for sure. like totally. dude. says:
per·son (pûrsn)
1. A living human.
2. The composite of characteristics that make up an individual personality; the
3. The living body of a human.
4. Physique and general appearance.

it says some other stuff, but it wasnt applicable at this time.

the US attorneys website says this about a person:
1048 Definition -- "Person"

The term "person" is defined in 18 U.S.C. § 2510(6) to mean any individual person as well as natural and legal entities. It specifically includes United States and state agents. According to the legislative history, "(o)nly the governmental units themselves are excluded." S.Rep. No. 1097, 90th Cong., 2d Sess. 90 (1968).

the legal encyclopedia says:


In general usage, a human being; by statute, however, the term can include firms, labor organizations, partnerships, associations, corporations, legal representatives, trustees, trustees in bankruptcy, or receivers.

A corporation is a "person" for purposes of the constitutional guarantees of equal protection of laws and due process of law.

Foreign governments otherwise eligible to sue in United States courts are "persons" entitled to institute a suit for treble damages for alleged antitrust violations under the Clayton Act (15 U.S.C.A. § 12 et seq.).

Illegitimate children are "persons" within the meaning of the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

The phrase interested person refers to heirs, devisees, children, spouses, creditors, beneficiaries, and any others having a property right in, or a claim against, a trust estate or the estate of a decedent, ward, or protected person. It also refers to personal representatives and to fiduciaries.

it pisses me off because its just so vague... i could write like infinity pages about myself as a person, because lets face it, out of everything i know "me" is the thing i know the most about, and i would never be finished because the information is being constantly updated... its really a pretty stupid situation in which i currently find myself.

WIKIPEDIA has a long ass entry about what constitutes a person... im absolutely not cutting and pasting it though.

the philosophical dictionary says:

An individual capable of moral agency. Although the details of their theories of human nature differ widely, Descartes, Locke, Kant, and Strawson all accepted a functional description of the person that includes both mental and physical features: the attribution of responsibility to a moral agent requires both the ability to choose and an ability to act on that choice.

i couldnt find a religious definition, which is just silly.


i mean as a person, do they mean, describe yourself as a human? describe your personality? are you sane? describe your sense of your own humanity? describe your limits or your talents? describe your emotional aptitude? describe your attitude? do you understand your mortality?

describe me as a person? am i even a person? according to the sources ive found today, i might qualify. which is good i guess. cant be an inquirer if im not a person.

im just going to take a bunch of internet quizes and maybe they will tell me what i am like as a person. there. i solved it.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

so its been a while...

whatever. i got a job that decided it wanted to take up all of my time for a while, and i had to write like a billion and one grant applications so that i can afford grad school/seminary. some how or another ive ended up in washington DC this weekend hangin out at the planned parenthood annuel conference. the secular world is a weird place to be. i very much prefer the the world of religion where everything is a little more familiar, i at least recognize people and you dont have to protect your conference info with your life. it is interesting though, being a seminary representative (for a school that doesnt know you are there) to something that isnt really church related. i mean, the issues are church/religious business, they are everyones business. i just dont know. i dont want this issue to become my main focus. but its very important. i realize that when you say "abortion" it completely turns people off. its ridiculous. if you say miscarriage, its the same thing. but nobody cares about the people beyond the loss or gain of a kid... honestly, im not going to bring a child into this world just to put them in the american foster system. i just couldnt do that to a person. if it is a soul, a real human being given to us by god, then it deserves the best possible care and guidance in life, THROUGH THE ENTIRETY OF LIFE, not just to be alive or dead at the start. i just dont understand. people need education, compassion, and help... not to be made to feel guilty and ashamed for things that might not be their fault or in the best interests of ANYONE at the time. grrrr. im totally and utterly confused about the issues at that time, and would appreciate some outside opinions.
im in DC and im bored, i cant even believe this is happening. i wish i had come here with some other people that didnt have a family to entertain. or were at least fun. hpmph.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

pic for profile Posted by Picasa
EVERYONE should see this movie!!!
heres the site where you can watch the preview

and im posting the poster on the site too!!
i want to work with these guys someday that would rock my world.

the poster from mirror mask!!  Posted by Picasa

Thursday, January 19, 2006


so i love wikipedia, its pretty freaking awesome.
i learned that Hot could mean:
Hot can have several meanings:
Look up Hot in Wiktionary, the free dictionary

* Relatively high temperature. See also heat conduction.
* Can describe spicy food.
* Jargon used to describe radioactivity. "Be careful, the room is hot".
* Hot is also the name of a 1970s pop music group whose best-known song is "Angel In Your Arms".
* In some areas of the United States, it is another name for a hot dog.
* Slang adjective describing something that has been stolen.
* Slang adjective describing something or someone that is sexually attractive and/or provocative (ie. Josh is hot).
* Slang synonym for "impressive", "great", "cool", or "excellent". The usage of the word in this manner is notably used by Paris Hilton as a catch phrase: "That's hot!".
* Hot is an acronym for Heal over Time. (antonym: damage over time)
so think about that next time you call some one hot....

and that apparently no one can get together on what exactly a young adult is:

The term "Young adult", when used in different contexts, can refer to slightly different age groups:

* In psychology, people of the age 20 to 40 are considered Young adults.

* In the marketing of literature, books for Young adults are roughly targeted for ages 12 to 18.

* In health and human development, young adulthood is considered to be the stage between adolescence and adulthood, roughly ages 15 to 24.

* In popular usage, "young adult" is sometimes simply a euphemism for adolescent.

thats pretty dissappointing. apparently the generations before us managed to create a new section of development, but never bothered to figure out what it was... *gosh*

there is also what david brooks said in his article called "bondage and bonding online" its about myspace and facebook and other stuff... its not exactly a positive image he sets forward. apparently we are all socially inept so we turn to the internet for help. grrrr.

" Some sociologists worry that we're bowling alone, but these sites (MySpace has 20 million visitors a month) are all about community. They're commonly used by people in the new stage of life that's been created over the past few decades. They are in their early to mid-20's; they're out of school but have no expectation they should marry soon. They're highly mobile, half-teen/half-adult, looking for a life plan and in between the formal networks of school, career and family.

So they bond online with an almost desperate enthusiasm. The Web pages they create are part dorm-room wall, part bulletin board, part young person's society page. They post photos of favorite celebrities, dirty postcards and music videos. And there are tons of chug-and-grins: photos of the gang gripping beers at a bar, photos of the tribe chugging vodka on the beach, photos of the posse doing shots at an apartment. Scroll down the page and there are people falling over each other, beaming and mugging for the camera phone."

perhaps we should consider equipping young people with more skills that they will need for life, as opposed to force feeding them facts that they barf up on standardized tests without ever using their brains once... huh? huh? huh?


man, blog!! its soo good to see you again. i give up on myspace, frankly, i didnt want to be on it to begin with, you know... on principle. then my sister made me one and i got sucked into that whole world for a little while. thanks GOD i got out. myspace is nice and all, but its not really my space. its not ever really real. its virtual space, and not what i need to even be doing with my time.
man, i cant believe i stayed healthy through the fall though. it was all over in december and january damnit. ive not been this sick since i was a kid i think. its like i stored up all the little colds i could have had over time and the turned into one whammy of a disaster. my dad didnt even think i was really sick and told me not to go to the doctor, i was sick though. my parting gifts for this 3 week fiasco were a sinus infection and the worst ear infection ive ever had (seriously the doctor said it was the worst ear he'd seen this week, crazy). so now im on the ole antibiotics and drinkin lots of water. its just super. at least i dont feel like im going to die anymore, right?
so i did read a book while i was sick, so there is an upside i guess. ive been listening to a lot of lectures on tape because theres nothing else to do in the 30 - 45 min drive i have to work everyday. i have heard some talks by rikk watts and marva dawn on the pastor and the prophetic ministry of jesus, and of course the NT Wright ones on apocloypse. they are all really good, but have left me wanting more, which is good since i am really hoping and praying that i get into seminary for the fall. that would be REALLY REALLY SUPER. but i hear that the best way to make god laugh is to tell god your plans. which i believe is probably true, but probably not as theologically sound as we would like it to be.
man this blog is dated, i gotta change the colors and stuff soon. its far to pink. i like pink, but not this much.
oh! the book i read... i read anne lammotte's "Traveling Mercies" and it was pretty awesome. its just stories from her life and her thoughts on faith. its beautifully written and not cheesy at all. i mean its kind of a trend in christian books to tell stories about your life and tie them to jesus, but she does it in a different way and sticks to a lexicon that the average person would appreciate. the stories she tells are ones that a lot of people can empathize with. i just really enjoyed her approach to life. "god loves us too much to let us stay the way we are" i learned so much from that book. i cant wait to read the next one called "plan b"
first im reading a book by kathleen norris called "amazing grace:a vocabulary of faith" its pretty good so far. she takes the "scary" words of teh faith and explains them in an intelligent and thoughtful way. i want to write a book like this someday. mine will be different though.
apparently the PC(USA) is attempting to bring young adults into the loop. my dad gave me this pamphlet that the church got in the mail. its SO cheesy!!! its called WE BELIEVE (i think thats a childrens cirriculum too), its short small group studies designed to be for young adults, ugh, jesus and the hip hop generation, mix it up: faith and politics, healthy living: stewardship of the body, checklist of life, discerning gods call, seekers, saints and other hypocrits, islam and christianity, urgency born of hope, the matrix and the gospel, beyond the outer limits.... i mean WHAT? apparently young adults have absolutely NO interest in studying the actually bible or anything that isnt really fakey pop culture rip offs. we dont want to just get together and enjoy being in a community of like minded individuals, or just of people who share a faith. no wonder i dont like going to church.
i think im done for now, but ill be back after my meds kick in again and my brain clears up...

Thursday, January 05, 2006


In the last month have you...
1. Had sex: no
2. Bought something: yes
3. Gotten sick: a little...
4. Sang: yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
5. Been kissed: sure
6. Felt stupid: yeah
8. Missed someone: yea
9. Got drunk: of course
10. Gotten high: nope
11. Danced crazy: yep
12. Gotten your hair cut: yes
13. Watched cartoons: duh
14. Lied: i doubt it


1. Slept in your bed: matilda, the cat
2. Saw you cry: dunno... melissa mack in college...
3. Made you cry: probably a stupid boy or my parents
4. Went to the movies with: rachel, ben, essie and adam
5. You went to the mall with: margo
7. You went to dinner with: ben
8. You talked on the phone with: casey
9. Said 'I love you' to you and really meant it: ???
10. Broke your heart: i think we all know
11. Made you laugh: margo and her freezing feets
12. Bought you something: margo cause shes an awesome sugar mama


1. Pierce your nose or tongue? nose, duh
2. Be serious or be funny? funny, fo shizzle
3. Drink whole or skim milk? SOY!!
4. Die in a fire or drown? neither
5. Spend time with your parents or go down on someone? ...


1. Simple or complicated? probably more complicated than not...
2. Gay? straighter than you
3. Hardcore? whats that supposed to mean
4. Honest? yes


1. Flowers or angels?: flowers
2. Gray or black?: black
3. Color or Black and white photos?: black and white makes everything look serious
4. Lust or love?: love...but there are times when lust is so good
5. Sunrise or sunset?: i see more sunsets
6. M&Ms or Skittles? neither i hate candy
7. Rap or rock?: classic rock
8. Staying up late or waking up early?: up late = better


1. Do you like anyone?: always
2. Do they know it?: whatev...
3. Do you have a boyfriend?: no, and thats really ok.


1. Being hot or cold?: HOT HOT HOT
2. Sun or moon?: moon
3. Winter or Fall?: fall
4. Left or right?: far left
5. Having 10 acquaintances who will have sex with you or having two best friends?: two best friends
6. Sun or rain?: sun
7. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: pinaple
8. Boys or girls: i like boys!!!


What time is it? 11:30
Nickname(s): grams...


1. Nervous Habits?: biting my lip, hair twirling, obnoxious nail biting
2. Are you double jointed?: nope
3. Can you roll your tongue?: yes!
4. Can you raise one eyebrow?: sure
5. Can you cross your eyes?: sure thang
6. Do you make your bed daily?: not really, weekly

C L O T H E S, E T C

1. Which shoe goes on first?: one of them
2. Ever thrown one at someone?: yes
3. On the average: this is not a complete thought, therefore not a question
4. Do you have your ears peirced?: yes, and my nose


1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?: i am allergic to wheat
2. Have you ever eaten Spam? GROSS
3. Favorite ice cream flavor?: pinapple
4. How many kinds cereal are in your cabinet?: 3 or 4
5. What's your favorite beverage? COFFEE
6. What's your favorite restaurant?: EL JELISCO
7. Do you cook? when i can


1. How many times do you brush your teeth?: 1 or 2
2. Do you do your hair?: what does that mean exactly?
3. Have you ever dyed/highlighted your hair?: yea, otherwise its pretty much grey and im NOT OLD YET!!!


1. Do you swear?: when its necessary
2. Do you ever spit?: gross
3. You cook your own food: sometimes
4. You do your own chores?: i take care of myself
5. You got laid today?: no
6. You like beef jerky?: no
7. You like Pepsi or Coke?: orange juice
8. You plan on going to college? already been, going back soon.
9. You're happy with your hair?: not really, but who is?
10. You own a dog?: lucky and a cat
11. You spend your money wisely?:i am really stupid with money
12. You're always making new friends?: yes, YAY MYSPACE
13. You like to swim?: yeah im a FISHYYYY
14. Have you ever gotten so bored you called a friend?: all the time
15. You're patient?: im a patient
16. You like this survey?: NO TOO LONG


1. Wished you were the opposite sex: yes, but just so i could have a really awesome part in a musical.
2. Snuck out of your house: honestly whats the point.
3. Gave money to a homeless person: yes