Friday, April 14, 2006

Dream journal

I think I should maybe start a dream journal. Just so I can go back through it in a few month's and be like, whoa, I must have been on something. Only I would read it though, because the most boring thing to other people is to hear about dreams that aren't their own. Yah know?
I mean, I cant remember my dreams exactly, and besides they are mostly feelings. It just seems silly to write down things like warm, cold, cool, basic, stings or whatever...
I haven't had BAD dreams in a while, which is probably a good sign. I think that having dreams a lot means that you are unsettled or a lot of changed is happening because its (I think) your brain decompacting your day.
I wish my brain wouldn't do it in such a freakin weird way. I think that my dreams might have soundtracks too, because I always wake up with a song in my head. Sometimes it goes away, and sometimes it stays there for weeks at a time.
maybe everyone should have a dream journal, or maybe no one. Why do I need to remember 2 months from now that I woke up thinking I had to go on a 30 hour trip into space, because this lady wouldn't get better if I didn't take her there. Or that I got pushed (or I fell, I dunno which) off a really tall dock into some really green water where there was an alligator swimming around, and then I had to race a lady and her husband to the dock that's in the middle of the lake, and I was terrified this whole time, cause I don't deal well with water that's not clear and alligators that might be hungry or ornery... ick. also in that dream there was some like, HUGE water thing... i dunno, my sister and i were talking about how cool it would be to have an "END OF THE WORLD" movie night and watch Waterworld, Mad Max (cause its all desert), The day after tomorrow, the matrices... and there was another one that i cant think of right now. we had all the types of parcipitation covered. dangit!
but im sure that had some sort of influence on the that deal in my dream, there were all these platforms and caves and stuff... but it looked like a Younglife camp or something.
i do sometimes have dreams that happen (im not alone in this, lots of people have these). usually if i stop having those, im doing stuff im not supposed to be doing. its really sad. it is real weird to be doin something, minding your own business, and the BAM! deja vu! grrrr.
ok, so i did some research, not real research though. i looked on wikipedia, and it said that lots of people have tried to figure out what the deal is with this, and some of it is linked to memory problems... whatever, and heres a in interesting bit
"A clinical correlation has been found between the experience of déjà vu and disorders such as schizophrenia and anxiety, and the likelihood of the experience increases considerably with subjects having these conditions. However, the strongest pathological association of déjà vu is with temporal lobe epilepsy. This correlation has led some researchers to speculate that the experience of déjà vu is possibly a neurological anomaly related to improper electrical discharge in the brain."
awesome. Why does science have to spoil everything?
stupid logic and reasoning.
marie out.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006


i want that trinity symbol tattooed on my arm...

additionally, i would like this cross on my calf
these are paintings by some dude... Paul Myhill. should i ask him if i can get his paintings tattooed on my body? i dunno. hopefully that doesnt count as plagiarism? i dunno...

Main Entry: con·fu·sion

Pronunciation: k&n-'fyü-zh&n
Function: noun
: disturbance of consciousness characterized by inability to engage in orderly thought or by lack of power to distinguish, choose, or act decisively —con·fu·sion·al /-zhn&l, -zh&n-&l/ adjective

Confusion is always the most honest response.
Marty Indik

If confusion is the first step to knowledge, I must be a genius.
Larry Leissner

for real, im feelin pretty transparent today...

so its pretty fun how on you can pick the definition that you want... make words mean what you want them too. its super. i am confused though, and tired. i think most of the confusion is a direct result of the tired. whatever, i got some coffee, which burned my mouth a lot. i think all the good luck i was previously experiencing is fading out. maybe i gave it to some one who needs it more than me. maybe i just started sucking really bad all of a sudden. who knows?

since no one reads this, i feel like its going ot be ok to type out my thoughts and confusion on here a little. whatever, i can delete the post if it becomes a problem. i am a creature of habit, i think that everyone who knows me understands that. i settle into my routine when i get my schedule each month and get completely and utterly thrown off when my stinkin pattern of existance gets altered in some way. im not like OCD or anything, just not as spontaneous as i may have previously imagined.
*i deeply wish that people wouldnt talk while i am in a coffee shop trying to think... god im a jackass... i do that all the Fing time*
im really not feeling pitiful in any way right now, not down or anything silly like that, which is weird because i generally get a pretty good case of the springtime blues. all this stuff is up in the air and its driving me NUTS. i like to have a few balls in the air, you know, keep my options open or whatever, but theres too much. at least i got into school, so theres that. i am going to louisville, its just a question of when as far as that goes, i guess. woo hoo. i have to find a job up there, im not real sure if i shouldnt just move up there and look for one once i get there. but i am REALLY scared to do that by myself. im torn between staying here for the summer and going there now to work. I dont know what kind of financial aid im going to get, so i dont know what i need to raise. i have to do all these stupid essays for these grant applications and describe myself as a person... etc etc... so maybe im being thrown back down that existential black hole again. well at least part of me is. i know what i want to do, just not how to do it. i really do feel called to this vocation. so whatever, at least thats settled.
i hate my job at the YWCA. its just so over i think. ive got like senioritis or something. i LOVE the people i work with, its just such a dead end situation. i feel like i went through such a rough patch with them, and helped them out and nothing will come of it. nothing but more stupid stupid work. i am pretty tired i think i need a nap.
plus on top of all these ridiculous feelings swirling around in there, ive got more.

i just like to make my own life harder. grrr. so you really cant even discuss whats up because
who needs all this crap... lets sing that big country song

So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you
Because it's happened doesn't mean you've been discarded
Pull up your head off the floor, come up screaming
Cry out for everything you ever might have wanted
I thought that pain and truth were things that really mattered
But you can't stay here with every single hope you had shattered"

or Citizen Cope

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

i need to get them outside my head, so i can feel what im gut is telling me to do without my stupid brain getting involved. ive been trying to put all this in the god box, and let it marinate there, just trust that everything will work out, but im really sucking at doing that right now.
i know i could just go by myself to louisville and work it all out, but it wouldnt be as fun or interesting or happy with out at least one person to share it with.
ugh. i feel better a little right now.
am i crazy? i feel pretty normal. ive always been a little neurotic. we all know thats the truth.

more citizen cope (im like addicted)

"My Way Home"

Sometimes I miss a step
I stumble here and there
I'm findin' my way home
If I'm lost then I'll admit
Sometimes i plain forget
I'm findin' my way home
You can try and stand in my way
You can say what you're gonna say
But I'm finding my way home

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

questions for reflection...

here is a really awesome quote:
These days an income is something you can't live without--or within.
- Tom Wilson

for some reason, i find it easier to reflect within the padded walls of this little blogger box, as opposed to the hard, cold and complicated boarders of a word document. I think it might be because i know that no one reads this (except maybe chris), therefore there are no expectations. With the other i guess i always think that i will have to turn it in, or something... i dunno.
i have to answer these questions in order to become an inquirer with the church, so that i can be approved by my congregation, and the the presbytery and then the national church so that i may be allowed to become a minister. its really a ridiculous process... i forsee lots of ridiculous red tape, essays and hard questions in my future. rar. some days i wish i was a dragon so i could burn it all up and start over.
ok. so, the questions thats got me spinning right now, keep in mind these people are expecting "insightful reflection" not "scarcastic satire" or any kind of whit... they are middle aged, protestant white people, so any kind of modern humor will be lost on them anyways... i dont get this phenomon at all, but whatever. older people dont even TRY to get younger people.
so i have got to "describe myself as a person" HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU DO THAT?
what do they mean by that? more appropriately -> what do they want to hear?
i hate these things, people really should consult me before they make really stupid application questions. i mean at least ask an interesting question, to which the answer would have reflect the appropriate themes and general information. *GOSH*
i certianly couldnt tell them what im really like, or i would get revoked for sure. like totally. dude. says:
per·son (pûrsn)
1. A living human.
2. The composite of characteristics that make up an individual personality; the
3. The living body of a human.
4. Physique and general appearance.

it says some other stuff, but it wasnt applicable at this time.

the US attorneys website says this about a person:
1048 Definition -- "Person"

The term "person" is defined in 18 U.S.C. § 2510(6) to mean any individual person as well as natural and legal entities. It specifically includes United States and state agents. According to the legislative history, "(o)nly the governmental units themselves are excluded." S.Rep. No. 1097, 90th Cong., 2d Sess. 90 (1968).

the legal encyclopedia says:


In general usage, a human being; by statute, however, the term can include firms, labor organizations, partnerships, associations, corporations, legal representatives, trustees, trustees in bankruptcy, or receivers.

A corporation is a "person" for purposes of the constitutional guarantees of equal protection of laws and due process of law.

Foreign governments otherwise eligible to sue in United States courts are "persons" entitled to institute a suit for treble damages for alleged antitrust violations under the Clayton Act (15 U.S.C.A. § 12 et seq.).

Illegitimate children are "persons" within the meaning of the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

The phrase interested person refers to heirs, devisees, children, spouses, creditors, beneficiaries, and any others having a property right in, or a claim against, a trust estate or the estate of a decedent, ward, or protected person. It also refers to personal representatives and to fiduciaries.

it pisses me off because its just so vague... i could write like infinity pages about myself as a person, because lets face it, out of everything i know "me" is the thing i know the most about, and i would never be finished because the information is being constantly updated... its really a pretty stupid situation in which i currently find myself.

WIKIPEDIA has a long ass entry about what constitutes a person... im absolutely not cutting and pasting it though.

the philosophical dictionary says:

An individual capable of moral agency. Although the details of their theories of human nature differ widely, Descartes, Locke, Kant, and Strawson all accepted a functional description of the person that includes both mental and physical features: the attribution of responsibility to a moral agent requires both the ability to choose and an ability to act on that choice.

i couldnt find a religious definition, which is just silly.


i mean as a person, do they mean, describe yourself as a human? describe your personality? are you sane? describe your sense of your own humanity? describe your limits or your talents? describe your emotional aptitude? describe your attitude? do you understand your mortality?

describe me as a person? am i even a person? according to the sources ive found today, i might qualify. which is good i guess. cant be an inquirer if im not a person.

im just going to take a bunch of internet quizes and maybe they will tell me what i am like as a person. there. i solved it.