Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I'm not poor...

Old post from August that I found looking for old pics of art...

I have graduated from Seminary and got blindsided by the real world. I am having a hard time this summer because I am kind of stuck in no woman's land. I am supposed to do CPE in the fall. Maybe... I want to get a job. I need to get a job. I really NEED to get a job.
I have applied everywhere. I have tried calling, personally showing up, mailing in my resume and a cover letter, emailing, using the online sites for finding jobs... How does one get a job? It was suggested that I quit putting that I have a masters degree on my resume so I will cease to be overqualified.

I just have to wait. Why organizations feel it is fair for them to leave weeks between initial contact and asking you to interview, then more weeks before they decide not to hire you is beyond me. Churches are just as bad. I need a job like yesterday. I have been in a job finding frenzy since I realized I would not be at UrbanSpirit this summer. It is incredible how stressful this is.

I was discussing the things I really cannot afford but are things I take for granted with one of my friends and she said to me, "Marie you have never had to live without money have you."
She is right. I never really have. I lived and worked last summer at a poverty immersion program, but I still had an apartment to go home to and a bank account (full of student loans) to support my needs when I ran out of options... Now, when it runs out its all gone and there is nothing I can do but go home with my tail between my legs... I don't want to do that. But why would that be so bad? What is the worst thing that could happen?  I would be ashamed? I would live with my parents? I would turn thirty having accomplished nothing but a masters degree and an ever increasing pile of debt... Really I don't want to know, but at least I wouldn't be dead.

What I keep thinking about is that I can at least go home, what about the people who feel this everyday that have no other options. Who if they cannot make their car payment will have their car taken away or who if they get sick might not be able to pay for a cure (if there is one)... The anxiety that I feel about potentially not being able to pay bills is just eating away at me. Its hard to get things done when you are worrying all the time. Also because I am busy constantly trying to do every odd job that comes along because I have to be able to have money.  It runs my life and I hate it.  I loathe money, the need for it and the lack of it.  I would rejoice if I won Publishers ClearingHouse or the lottery though.  It would be nice not to worry, but then I would have a whole set of new worries. 

Ani Defranco says in one of her songs 'Back when I had a little, I thought that I needed a lot.  A little was over rated, but a lot was a little too complicated. You see-Zero didn't satisfy me, A million didn't make me happy. That's when I learned a lesson. That it's all about your perception'  - I listen to this, to lots of music like this and I wonder what is my deal?  Great, I have a little, I shouldn't have any worries, but having a little doesn't provide peace of mind.  The poor aren't nice pets to be admired and put back into their cages when we are ready to retreat back to the middle class bubble.  I am so angry with myself for not being capable of being satisfied with what I (can) have.  I am also frustrated with the system that allows obscene stratification of wealth and that doesn't even care that people suffer because of it. 

I guess I also feel invisible.  My friends have jobs and significant others, I don't really see them because I have to work every insane odd job that I can take.  Who cares that I am scared? There are so many people out there, living in houses, apartments, cars and street corners that are scared that have no one.  I guess I should count my blessings, but tonight I wish I could count dollars... :(