Reflection on a funeral

I work at Bellarmine University, through this internship i have been able to participate in some pretty amazing things. One these things are the St. Joseph of Arimathea Society. SJOAS is a program that was started by a group of high schoolers and their teacher because they realized that those who could not afford too, or that had no family were not getting funerals or even being buried with dignity. They started doing prayer services for each funeral and eventually ended up working with other local catholic high schools and eventually the colleges in the area to alternate doing funerals (because there are a LOT of them.

Last Tuesday, September 11th was a particularly interesting funeral experience for me. It was interesting because it was moving, a nerving and enraging at the same time. I never really know how to act at these things because I am the Presbyterian intern with a catholic group and because i just haven't been to a lot of funerals (thank god). First of all it was September 11, and even in a liberal like me that stirs up all sorts of feelings and the General Patrais shit had just hit the fan. It was seriously a gross² day outside - which means it was cool and windy enough to need a sweater, misting a little and ominously overcast. On the trip from the bell to the cemetery we chatted and prepared to do a prayer service. As we pulled into the long skinny drive of the cemetery the yellow bulldozer resting temporarily like a tired dinosaur up to its ass in the brown mud that someone would be laid to rest in later that day. The sky seemed to get grayer as the reality of our task sunk in, surrounded by sinister gray mounds of coal punctuated with menacing clusters of smoke stacks vomiting gray smoke into the sky and power lines slicing the horizon.

Normally when we arrive the only live people present are the deputy corner and his assistant, occasionally there is a pastor, family member, ministry or case worker, but generally not. On this bleary Tuesday there were nearly 20 people there. They were ministry workers, hospice workers, emergency workers and pastors who had been a part of Ralph’s later life. It was clear just from the gathering that this man had touched a lot of peoples lives. Those who had gathered to honor Ralph had prepared a service, so all we from Bellarmine were asked to serve as pallbearers. I have never seen a dead person at all much less carried one from a hearse to the little porch where he would be honored and then to the graveside for some more prayers and farewell. I was moved that we would be allowed to participate in this way. I always thought that choosing the people who would carry your casket would be sort of like picking your wedding party or your top 8 on spacebook… I have no idea why I rationalized like this, I would imagine that I merely had no perspective at all before this point. I guess more things in life than you can imagine are completely unpredictable. I carried the body of a man inside a casket (not by myself, I had help). It felt so weird, so final and so real all at once. Honestly, that might be the only real part of life left, you will die.

The memorial service for Ralph was deeply touching for those who knew him I could tell. The group, which was mostly women, had put together a wonderful service. The pastor read some prayers and spoke briefly about passing. We all sang a version of amazing grace I had never heard before, but sounded very nice on the CD player. One of the women from hospice had written a poem brought tears to the eyes of everyone present (even me…) with the final line "i will get you a ham sandwich because I know you are allergic to turkey..." He was beloved to some people. They said he had good days and bad days, but to me it seems the good outnumbered or were more potent than the bad for once. I swear God smiles at moments like that. I could feel the spirit moving among these women, I could almost see how the spirit had strung them all together over the last few years of Ralphs life.

Then they opened up the floor to anyone else who would like to share. There was a short pause and the man standing beside me signed and stepped forward. I hadn’t really noticed much about him besides that he was totally disinterested in sharing the song sheet I was holding. He was holding a purple flower (I am not good with flowers) and a sheet of paper. He took three brisk steps to the coffin and haplessly tossed the flower and paper he had been holding on the coffin (like it was a coffee table or something) and put his hands into his pockets and looked at us. He said that he was from lost sheep ministries. He had been friends with Ralph for the last 5 years. He told us how Ralph had cancer and how Ralph would never let him find him somewhere to stay or get help. He said that Ralph probably knew God because Ralph had asked this fellow to pray for him 5 days before he died. While this man could have gone on to tell stories about Ralph what he wanted to say was that he wasn’t sure he would see Ralph in heaven. It seems that Ralph did not live his life in the manner in which Jesus would have preferred and that meant he probably didn’t make it through the pearly gates. However, he says as he takes his hands out of his pockets and motions to the coffin, we should all take this opportunity to examine our own lives and make sure that we are living for Jesus.

So at this point he was pretty much done because I had totally quit listening. I MUST quit reacting this way to people, but I feel strongly that this man was totally out of line. So I was imagining myself turning into a WWF wrestler (probably Hulk Hogan) and breaking chairs on this mans head. He deserved it. I didn’t have to make any crazy wrestling moves though because the woman who had written the poem stepped forward and said that she did not believe that because Ralph was an angel to her. The Coroner then directed us all to the bulldozed area and the giant gaping hole in the ground. They drove the coffin the 40 yards away from the little carport and we took Ralph out of the car one last time and laid him next to the big yellow dinosaur that would plant him in the earth moments later. They are not legally allowed to bury the bodies while we are there, so we said some brief prayers and then went on our way. I just cant believe that is all there is. It is so anticlimactic.