Just American I Guess

I have gotten like 4 Lenten devotionals in the mail so far and I find this a bit frustrating. Am I really going to read these? No, I dont even have time to do all my reading for school. Why did someone send me this? Were they that concerned that I would need help reflecting during this period? Lets face it, probably. I do need help focusing all the time, particularly during lent. It seems that when I have to think about giving up something, or doing something extra, then I just want to do it less.
This year for lent i am going to start doing more of these reflections (time permitting, I'm taking an ass-ton of hours this semester) on my Lenten practice. Last year i started riding my bike everywhere, which is fabulous. I start that again tomorrow. Cold or not, I need to keep that up. Just giving it up makes me feel crappy because I like riding the bike and I typically feel guilty for driving around town. This year, in an attempt to further my understanding and actually practice simple living, I am going to try and only spend 50 dollars a week on stuff and 50 dollars a week on food. Having this allergy to wheat makes 50 dollars a week for food a hazard because I cant compromise on the cheap stuff if it has a wheat protein in it anywhere.
So far it hasnt been bad because I just havent been anywhere or in a crunch. Grocery shopping is going to be a challenge because I am going to have to plan my meals out pretty well before I go, so that I wont be tempted to buy things i don't need. I feel a little weird needing to experience simple living though, because I am doing it by choice. Other people that I would like to be in solidarity with are not choosing, they are just existing. I guess I feel a little fake, but at least now I might have a more clear understanding of what it is like for some people everyday, not just 40 days of a year.
So I have always been obnoxious in stores, ask my mom. I have no idea how it got programed into me, well i guess i have some idea. But when I would, and now do, walk around places like walmart (sorry) and target I pretty much want everything I see. I don't know why, but I also like to point this out to the people i am with (normally my mother). I may not actually have any intention of purchasing an item, but I still want it. Today it bothered me in the store that i felt that way. I went there to get pens, so i could write things down in my apt, because i had no pens for some reason, and i ended up in the craft section, the video section, the curtains section, the underpants section and the clothes section. What is my deal?! Its like a rush, looking around at all those things, it was like an adrenalin rush, because I am always get so tired about an hour into shopping... must be the adrenalin wearing off. I could have justified buying any of that stuff if I didnt have this spending limit. it makes me mad that i think this way and i think part of it is because its the American way. individualism and materialism. It is so frustrating that I have been impacted so deeply by these two "ism's." I wonder how i will pull myself out of it? I think my lent thing will for sure help me break the cycle of senseless impulse purchases.
I think part of it also comes from the fact that I always have the cushion of support that is my parents, should i mess up too badly on any front. That is wonderful, but I guess knowing that i'm tight rope walking with a net causes me not to be as careful as i would be otherwise.
It must (well i know it is, ive been there a little i guess) be SO frustrating to walk around in stores and know that you cannot buy any of these things even if you wanted to. I mean giving gifts is impossible, tithing is impossible, even eating is sometime difficult. You cant eat organic, you cant have natural food products, you cant even avoid transfat, but when do you have time to do the research to find out what you should and shouldnt be eating if you are working all the time to pay rent, bills, for gas and then have 50 dollars left over to spend. ugh.
Ill keep thinking, we will see. Simple living seems to be the way to go, especially if after just a few days i am completely disgusted with whatever fever i seem to catch when i get into these huge box stores. I certainly dont want to be elitest about what ive decided to do, or to be all in peoples faces about it, but I feel almost called to this experience. i dont know how this will work out, but we will see.